Title: Uncertain Allies V - Contemplations
Author: Lycanthrophile (lycanthrophile@imadethis.org)
Fandom: The X-Files
Spoilers: Season 5
Disclaimer: All the characters in this story belong to
Chris Carter and Ten Thirteen Productions.
Rating: NC17 for male/male sex.
Summary: Set after the fade to black in 'The End,' Mulder,
Scully, and Krycek reflect on their relationship.
Word Count: 4,664
Notes: ThanX to KMS, who put up with my whining and pointed
me in the right direction, to Drovar, who pointed out how
often I like to start sentences with conjunctions,
Russianrat who blamed me for keeping him awake, and Phyre,
who kept nagging me until I finished. Feedback is highly
relished, and even ketchuped when I'm in the mood. Flames
will be used to heat the ice cube of an office I work in.
Archive: Please inform me
I don't know exactly why I had to be here at this moment.
It's a stupid idea, and dangerous. Old Smokey's boss has
taken me on as a 'protegee,' which really means glorified
errand boy and bodyguard, the expendable one. I might as
well start wearing a red shirt like the ensigns who die in
the first five minutes of a Star Trek episode. Doing
anything that could even remotely be construed as
treacherous would be signing my death warrant.
But the moment I heard what had happened in that basement,
I had to go to him. Cancerman literally and figuratively
destroyed the last six years of Mulder's life with the
flick of a cigarette. It would be an easy matter of finding
Mulder. There were only three places he could be found on a
regular basis, his office, his apartment, or Dana's. Number
one was out of the question, and if she were with him,
number two would be unlikely. She would take care of him,
see that he didn't go into a self-destructive cycle. And to
do that, she would have to go to a place untainted by
Mulder's less than pleasant memories, her apartment.
This is a place of healing for him. Mulder came here on
instinct when I was (reluctantly) putting hallucinogens in
the drinking water of his building. He came here the night
that he found out the sole reason the apartment above his
was rented was to spy on him. He's come here seeking
shelter from less traumatic events, but always for the same
reason. Dana's home is his safe harbor, a fact that makes
me more than a bit jealous. I don't have one for myself,
let alone him. But that doesn't mean that that I don't long
to provide one.
And now the ship has come in. I hear the rattle of keys,
and the doorknob begins to turn. My world is narrowing down
to two possibilities, both equally as likely. Either Mulder
will turn to me for comfort, or he will turn to me in
accusation. He has no reason, except for my denial, to
believe that I didn't start the fire. I've burned him
before. I face the door and stand my ground, waiting for
the moment of truth.
I open the door to my apartment and nudge Mulder inside
ahead of me. He's almost in a sleepwalking state, except
sleep is the last thing on his mind. He still smells the
smoke, feels the ashes, and see the wreckage of the last
five years of our lives. He takes two steps into the
apartment and stops, stock-still. I go to walk around him
and I see the reason why. There is a man in my apartment,
and not just any man.
Alex Krycek has reappeared, and at a most inopportune time,
as is his wont. The man is enigma incarnate. He became
Mulder's partner (and lover) when the X-Files was shut down
for the first time. He was part of the reason that I was
abducted. Despite this, I call this man my ally, if only
because, despite his choices and actions, he loves Mulder
the same as I do.
I look at Mulder, afraid of what will happen now that he
knows Alex is here. I'm afraid for Mulder that Alex will
hurt him, afraid for Alex that Mulder will hurt him, and
for me, because I will be hurt, no matter what happens.
Mulder just stands there, his face blank. He makes no move
towards Alex, no move away from him. As far as I know, the
last time Mulder saw Alex was on the back of a truck,
fleeing from the gulag by the river Tungus. And Alex just
stands there, looking sadly at Mulder. It is a fragile
moment of spun glass and brittle hopes.
The moment shatters. Mulder's face darkens, blood suffusing
it in his rage. "You son of a bitch! You did it!" He
crosses the room in two quick strides, raising his hand. I
know what's coming, and turn away, unwilling to watch.
Krycek makes no move to block the teeth jarring punch.
Mulder steps back, waiting for Krycek's reaction.
He makes no retaliatory moves. He staggers back a few
steps, his head rotating from the force of the blow. I know
that Krycek will have a large bruise on his right cheek by
morning. His head turns back so he can look at Mulder. The
silence is broken by four roughly whispered tender words.
"Mulder, I'm so sorry."
And that is all it takes. Barriers that would take me
hours, days, and even years to merely chip crumble into
dust at Alex's whisper. Mulder, with a shudder and a
sobbing breath, steps towards Alex. Alex meets him; arms
open, pulling him into a gentle embrace. Muttering nonsense
sounds, Alex rocks him, slowly leading him back to my couch
and sitting him down. He kneels between Mulder's legs,
looking up into the hazel eyes. Alex takes Mulder's hands
between his, then looks down at the palms and fingertips,
angry red and blistered from when Mulder tried to claw the
still smoldering cabinets open. He kisses each wound,
trying to take the pain away.
I feel like a stranger in my own home. Mulder and Alex have
forgotten where they are and whom they are with. Alex
reaches up to caress Mulder's cheek. Now Mulder makes the
first proactive move I've seen from him in the last few
hours. He grabs Alex by the collar of his leather jacket
and pulls him in for a kiss. My God, what a kiss! Both men
give themselves fully over to expressing their emotions
through it. They are so beautiful; it is hard to find the
words to describe it. Alex's ivory skin is quickly flushing
with arousal, and Mulder starts to become more aggressive
and demanding.
I can't bear to watch, no matter how beautiful they are.
"Mulder, why don't you and Alex go back to your place," I
suggest when they come up gasping for air. The last thing I
wanted to deal with tonight is trying to sleep while
listening to Alex and Mulder have sex. And that is exactly
what would happen.
Mulder seems to remember where he is. "You shouldn't be
alone either, Scully," he says.
Damn. Now he is going to try to protect me by hovering over
me when what I need is time for me. "I can deal with it," I
say, willing him to understand. I don't want to admit out
loud that it would break my heart, knowing that the man I
love is seeking sexual comfort from someone else I am
attracted to. I can be his partner, I can be his friend,
and I have resigned myself to the fact that Mulder has
someone else and, in all probability, we will never become
lovers.
The truth is out there, and it hurts when it is found.
And through some miracle, Alex understands. I can see the
comprehension bloom in his eyes. He nods knowingly.
"Mulder, we have things that need to be discussed, but now
isn't the time."
I can see that Mulder reluctantly agrees. He reaches out
and brushes his lips chastely across my forehead. The
contact is almost more than I can bear. Alex reaches out
and squeezes my hand understandingly. He looks at me and
his thought is clear. 'Mulder has no clue that you love
him.'
I squeeze Alex's hand in return, grateful even for the
sympathy of an uncertain ally. Without any further spoken
words, Mulder and Alex cross the room and go out the front
door. I follow to close and lock the door behind them.
The ride to my place as well as the elevator trip and walk
down the hall is done without any talking. When we reach
the door to my apartment, I look at Alex, half expecting
him to produce a key. So I am not overly surprised when he
does. We never got to the stage in our relationship where I
was going to ask him if he wanted to pick out curtains. But
I knew the men who he reported to would have given him
access.
I stumble inside, not caring if the whole fucking
Consortium and the Supreme Ambassador from Rigel 7 were
gathered in my living room. All I want to do is get drunk
so I can forget. I weave my way over to the cabinet where I
keep my liquor and pull out the bottle of vodka I've been
saving. Only a shot or two of it is left. I kept on telling
myself that I should throw it away, because I don't even
like vodka. But it was Alex's and it was the last tangible
thing of his I have.
I lift the bottle to him in a mock salute and take a swig.
The alcohol burns, bringing tears to my eyes. Or at least I
tell myself that's why I'm about to cry. Krycek just
stares, his brows drawing together. "I don't think that's a
good idea," he says as I take another long swallow. "You
know how strong that stuff is?"
"Yes. That's exactly why I'm drinking it." I take a third
gulp and Alex holds out his hand for the bottle. Since
there's no more liquor in it, I give it up willingly. I
flop down on my couch. "So what piece of misinformation are
you here to deliver this time?" I ask as I stretch out. "A
CD-ROM with a sanitized version of the files that were
destroyed?"
"No." Alex puts down the empty bottle down on my coffee
table and steps towards me. "When I heard what happened, I
had to see you."
I think about what he said and I start to laugh, not a nice
laugh. "When the fuck did you grow a conscience Alex?"
"I've always had one, Mulder. I just haven't always
listened to it." Krycek sits on the other end of the couch,
giving me a wide berth. "I know looking at your office was
difficult..."
"Difficult?" I mock his tone with disdain. The alcohol has
loosened my tongue, as well as bringing my bitterness to
the surface. It's beginning to sink in; my life's work has
been destroyed. No, I have been destroyed. My identity is
so wrapped up in the X-Files that I have no idea who I am
without them, without my quest for the truth. Of course,
only the physical files in my office went up in flames.
There are backup copies, but this will be the excuse needed
to shut me out of working on the X-Files. "Do you have any
idea what it is like to lose something that has been a part
of you for a long time?"
Sparks flare in those forest green eyes. "Yes I do," he
says coldly, thumping his plastic left fist into his fleshy
right palm. "Before you start playing the martyr, remember
that some of us have had it a hell of a lot tougher than
you."
I open my mouth to reply, and then shut it. Damn, the
pain-in-the-ass was right. I hadn't cornered the market on
suffering. Alex lost his arm and any semblance of a normal
life, Skinner his marriage and probably any advancement in
his career, and Scully her sister and almost her life too
many times to count. And with that realization, the anger
drains away from my psyche. "So what the hell do I do now?"
I asked softly.
" Simple." Krycek leans forward and stares me in the eye, a
gleam in it that should have warned me what was coming. "As
difficult as it will be, do whatever worthless job they
give you without making any waves. Let them think they have
won. And when they least expect it... attack!" With that
last word, Alex scrambles forward, pressing me against the
back of the couch. His hands are as frantic as his lips,
hot and demanding as they all but ravage me. Before I'm
fully aware of what's going on, my shirt is shoved up to my
armpits, my sweats and boxers pulled down to my ankles. I
feel Krycek slowly begin to work his way down my body,
exposing skin and leaving a trail of honey sweet kisses.
I manage to toe off my shoes, kick off the fabric trapping
my feet, and yank my shirt over my head. The rational part
of my mind is screaming that I am a bloody idiot for being
butt naked in front of this wanted felon who has fucked
both my mind and body. But when it comes to this man, I
don't listen to my rational mind.
Krycek, meanwhile, has kept himself busy by removing his
clothing faster than I thought possible for someone who had
both arms. Never breaking contact with my eyes, he kneels
down in front of me, a look of worship bright on his face.
The sweat glistening on his skin gives it a heavenly sheen.
He looks angelic, my beautiful fallen one. Isn't it said
that Satan can appear as an angel of light?
And with a devilish look of gleeful anticipation, his eyes
refocus to a spot mere inches from his lips. He leans
forward and drags the tip of his nose along the vein
protruding from the underside of my hard cock. Milliseconds
later, it is followed by his open mouth and tongue, whisper
soft kisses moving towards the weeping crown.
Then I am engulfed in a wet flame. Alex's hot mouth is
working my cock as if he were playing a finely tuned
Stradivarius. He makes my voice hit notes in registers I
didn't think possible for men with their testicles intact.
Soft flicks of his tongue where the head joins the shaft,
light scrapes of teeth against the underside near the base,
and a heavy suction is making me rapidly lose control. And
in this situation, I am perfectly willing to let Krycek
take control.
Until he stops. With a smirk, Alex pulls away seconds
before I cum. He squats back on his heels, eyes glowing in
pleasure as I, in a growl of half frustration, half
affection, question the legitimacy of both himself and his
family for several past generations. Krycek's only reaction
is what my father called a shit eating grin and to back
away on hands and knees from me. Head held high, Alex turns
slightly and poses on all fours. He reminds me of a horse,
proud and arrogant, like the ones Sam and I learned to ride
one summer during my all-too-brief childhood. That summer I
first discovered what made a stallion a stud.
Well, Alex would make Nimblefoot jealous.
And in the blink of an eye, the pride and arrogance
transmutes into longing and desire. Alex's head dips, his
ass lifts, and he stares from between his arms back at me.
The message in that emerald gaze is clear, 'Come and get
me.'
How could I resist such an offer? I reach out and stroke
the firm flesh of his back, which earns me a barely
suppressed shudder. And yet I make no move to get off the
couch. Despite my raging erection, I don't have the energy
to fuck Alex tonight. Events in the last forty-eight hours
have been too rapid fire for me to keep dodging emotional
bullets. "Alex, I can't..."
Krycek turns to look at me when I fall silent, the
questioning look rapidly transforming to understanding.
Standing, he straddles my body and slides up to whisper in
my ear. "Let me do the work, baby."
All I can do is swallow roughly and nod. Of all our
couplings, only once has Alex fucked me - the night we
seduced each other. The other times, Alex had submitted,
seemingly content as a bottom. I don't know for certain if
it had to do with the fact that he was figuratively
screwing me by spying, but I suspect that had a big part of
it.
But that was then and this is now. I start to shift my
weight to roll over. But Alex stops me with a touch of both
hands, flesh and synthetic, on my chest. "Stay right here,"
he whispers before a soft brush of his lips against mine,
and then the absence of his warmth. I shut my eyes and take
several deep breaths, willing my racing heart to resume a
normal pace. But before I can accomplish it, Alex is back,
condoms and lube in his hands. He straddles my waist, this
time his back to my face. Not that it's a complaint. The
view of his ass is quite lovely close up. It really is a
fine ass - tight, muscular, and just the right size to
comfortably cup in both hands. Alex's legs have pinned my
arms to my sides, so I can't. But that won't stop me from
touching him.
As he fumbles with the foil wrapped condom, I lean forward
slightly and firmly plant my lips on one of those perfect
globes. Alex stops, obviously not expecting my caress. A
small, breathy moan escapes him as I start to nibble. And a
full one escapes when I start to suck. I keep up the
suction for several minutes and then break off with a wet
smacking noise. And I smile at the sight of the bruise now
gracing Krycek's ass. "I made this," I think with childish
delight. "I've marked you and made you mine and no one will
take you away from me."
Alex has finally managed to get the package open. I jump in
surprise as he awkwardly rolls the condom onto me, using
his prosthetic hand to hold the tip in place. Now I am
confused. Alex said he would do the work, so why was he
preparing me this way? It's not to keep my couch clean.
I've jerked off on it many times before. Then his fingers,
slick with the lube, slide around to trace the crack of his
ass before slipping past the ring of muscle. They glide in
and out, preparing himself. A light goes on in my head. I
know what he's planning now. So I watch Alex finger fuck
himself with an anticipatory smile. He is arching back into
his strokes, head tilting upwards like a wolf baying at the
moon. Alex then withdraws his fingers, and undoes the
straps that hold his artificial arm in place. It drops to
the floor with a loud thud. He rises in one fluid motion
and turns to face me, locking me in his gaze.
I take hold of my erection, lifting it so my cockhead rests
just behind his balls. Alex readjusts his position and
slowly impales himself. The spincter tightens fractionally
before releasing and embracing me. He descends only far
enough to cover my glans before stopping.
I cannot wait any longer. I place a hand on either of his
hips and pull him downward until his balls are nestled in
my pubic hair. I hold him down as I start a side to side
rocking motion. Alex sucks in his breath and moves with me
for the moment. Then he moves counter to me. I hold still
as he begins a second series of circular motions, down and
away, up and forward, like he's riding on a merry-go-round.
His hand strokes from his neck, between his dusky nipples,
around the well of his navel, teasing the line of dark hair
that leads to his nest of curls. The sound of our breathing
goes ragged when his hand reaches his rampant cock. My hand
closes over his, increasing the pressure. Alex swallows
once and speeds up, forgoing the fancy movements. Digging
my heels into the leather cushions, I thrust up, meeting
his downstrokes. My hand tightens on Alex's, once, twice,
thrice…
Alex tosses his head back, his jaw dropping as he cums. I
watch the tiny shivers rattle his shoulders before the
contractions begin squeezing my cock. The sight of him
alone is enough to push me over the edge, let alone the
feel of my cock in his ass. I push upward one more time as
Alex collapses against my chest.
He lies against me for a few minutes before getting up.
Without a word, he removes the used condom and heads off to
the bathroom. When Alex returns with a damp washcloth, I
still haven't moved. He tenderly cleans me, wiping up his
seed with gentle, loving strokes. And once he's done he
curls up beside me, one ear pressed over my heart.
Alex's hand gently strokes down my cheek, wiping away my
tears. Shit! When did I start crying? Alex presses his lips
to the corner of my left eye and settles over me, warming
me, protecting me, loving me. How long has it been since
anyone has held me close? Even Scully keeps her distance,
reverting to her infamous ice queen mode after particularly
stressful cases. Something about that nags at the back of
my mind, but I've never bothered to tease it out.
But now I'm too tired to think, to fight, to do anything
but cry. Alex hooks his arm around my shoulder so he can
both hold me and stroke my hair. I want to reciprocate, but
I'm too damn tired. He nuzzles my cheek and repeats what he
said earlier as I drift off to sleep. "Don't let them win,
Mulder. Don't let them win."
I stand in front of the door to apartment 42, steeling
myself for what I'll find in there. After Mulder and Alex
left, I had taken a long, cold shower. They don't work as
well for women as they do for men, but it did allow me to
calm myself down enough to get some sleep.
But not nearly enough. I woke up at about 3:00 AM, after
only two hours of sleep. I spent the next several hours
thinking over what would happen next. The X-Files were shut
down. Mulder and I were still partners, but it would only
be a matter of time before we were split apart again. We
have weathered storms before, but this one could destroy
us.
But what has me most concerned at this moment is Alex
Krycek. Mulder's love for Alex is one of his greatest
weaknesses. I believe that yes, Alex does love Mulder, but
Alex is not the kind of man who will sacrifice his survival
for noble ideals. I think Mulder knows this on some level,
but it does not, or cannot, affect his actions towards his
ex-partner. No more than I cannot stop acting on my
feelings for Mulder.
I close my eyes. I know that I am Mulder's other weakness.
My mother told me how Mulder had not given up faith that I
would come home, even when my mother was ready to. He never
gave up searching for a cure, even when it looked hopeless.
He doesn't give up easily on anything or anyone he cares
about. And he cares about Alex as much as he cares about
me.
Standing outside the door is only stalling. I need to go in
there and find out what has happened. I have a good idea
what I will find - Mulder and Alex together. Sharing
something I will never have - either of them.
One of the things I forced myself to admit last night is
that I also have feelings for the man who was involved in
killing my sister. If anyone had told me a year ago that I
would be emotionally attracted to Alex Krycek, I would have
laughed in their face. But when I found him in Mulder's
apartment, mourning his 'suicide,' we bonded in a way I
can't explain. And when Alex appeared in my hospital room,
apologizing for not having found a cure, I had no doubt
that he was being honest. I can't explain how I knew, I
just knew.
Pulling out my keys, I unlock the door and step in. Mulder
is asleep on his couch, and appears to be naked beneath the
rumpled afghan tossed over his frame. From the sounds of
water running coming from the direction of the bedroom, I
assume Alex is using the shower. I resist the temptation to
peek at either of them. Instead, I take a seat in the beat
up chair opposite Mulder's couch and stare idly at the fish
tank.
The water shuts off, and I hear fabric rustling and soft
grunts coming from Mulder's bedroom. Mulder sleeps on. I
don't know if I should go in and offer Alex assistance.
Eventually the sounds die away, and I turn towards the
door. Alex doesn't appear in the door like I expect.
Instead, a gun muzzle pokes out cautiously. "It's me,
Alex."
Alex steps into the living room, tucking the gun into his
waistband. He looks how I feel - tired. We both have fought
the good fight for so long, and we have kept the faith in
our own way. But will we ever finish the race?
He looks at Mulder for a long time. I know what he's going
to say - given who
and what he is, it is inevitable. "I have to go." I
understand why. If the
Consortium found Alex with us, his life would be forfeit.
"As soon as I have any information, I'll contact you."
"I know." I take Alex's hand and squeeze. He looks
surprised that I reached
out to him. He squeezes back. Without a word he picks up
his jacket and walks to the door. "Alex." He turns back at
the sound of his name. There is so much I want to say to
him. Don't leave Mulder. Don't leave me. Stay with us both.
But only one thing crosses my lips. "Be careful."
Alex nods and steps outside. I sit down to resume the
vigil. With Alex's help, Mulder and I will fight our future
with the courage that has fueled our search for the truth
for the last five years. I can only pray that it will be
enough.
I walk down the hallway to the elevator. There is so much
to do, and so little time to do it.
They won't be able to keep Mulder away from the X-Files. As
long as he's in the FBI, he will be drawn to them. Or maybe
I should say they will be drawn to him. It's just like our
relationship. No matter what happens, we find each other.
As I push the button to call the elevator, I think about
how mad Mulder will be when he wakes up and finds out that
I've slipped out without saying goodbye. But I have to
return to the Brit and await my orders. Soon I hope that I
will have enough power and prestige among the Consortium
that this skulking won't be necessary. For now I'll have to
be content that Dana will be there for him.
Dana. When did I start thinking of Mulder's partner by her
first name? And why do I feel so strongly towards her? I
love Mulder. Mulder loves me. Dana knows that, and in spite
of her feelings for Mulder, respects that boundary. Mulder,
oblivious as he is, hasn't figured it out. We should leave
status quo alone. My relationship with Mulder is screwed up
enough as it is without trying to turn it into a threesome.
I pull my jacket tighter around me. It was nice to actually
act human for one night, not have to have to watch over my
shoulder as much. But duty calls, and it's time for me to
revert back into the 'cold hearted bastard' role that I'm
finding harder and harder to remove.
The End
