Chapter One Hundred Two She'd been quiet most of the evening. Staring at herself in the mirror, she didn't know what to think. The outfit fit her, but she wasn't that wild about it. She wasn't excited about any of the clothes she'd tried on. All she could think was that once again she was spending Anton's money. Straightening the jacket, Bryn opened the dressing room door and stepped out so Jess could see what she was wearing. The red suit, complete with pencil-thin skirt, made her look pale...but it did emphasize her naturally red lips. She had to wonder if she looked like Snow White standing there. "What about this one?" Jess tilted her head, casting a critical eye over it. "It looks good, Bryn. If you're wearing a bright lipstick, you shouldn't wash out too much." She had noticed that Bryn was less than eager about shopping tonight. At first she had put it down to nerves for her first day, but she was starting to think it was something more. "Is something wrong, Bryn?" Silent for a while, Bryn finally said, "I'm not sure what I'm doing." She took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "Have you ever been so afraid of disappointing someone that you'd do just about anything for them? Even if it means changing who you are?" "What are you talking about, Bryn? Who are you afraid of disappointing?" Leaning back against the wall, Bryn chewed on her lip. "I trust Anton with everything I am. I believe him when he says he'll always love me. But I still get afraid sometimes that I'm not what he wants me to be. I know he'd tell you that he just wants me to be myself, and he probably does. Still, he's so...powerful. So important business-wise, and socially. He's a bit like a politician with the vampires. And I feel silly being his naive little housewife. I'm terrified that deep down, on a totally subconscious level, he's embarrassed by me. I know I'm not the most emotionally stable person in the world, or the smartest, or pretty, but the least I could do is try to improve myself. So I got a job, and I'm learning about the art business, as well as the antique business. I'm always trying to learn more about vampires. And I hope to get to know his employees and business contacts in the future, but..." "But?" "I feel inferior to him. It's not anything he's done. He's even said he wants us to be equals, but the fact is we aren't and I'm not sure we ever will be. I worry a lot that his employees think I'm an idiot. I worry about how going to work will effect Max, and me--if I'll like it or hate it. I like staying home with my son, but I realize that I do need to get out more and be normal." She sniffed, although her eyes remained dry. "Am I crazy? I mean I love art and everything, but I'm scared to death about this job. And I don't want it to sound like Anton's some heartless bastard, because that's the furthest from the truth. He loves me so much. I just want to do something to make him proud of me." "You're not crazy, Bryn. Not at all." Jess put the blouses she had been carrying down on a chair for a moment so she could talk to the young woman. "I heard you saying 'I' a lot there, Bryn. 'I'm scared. I need to be normal. I'm not good enough. I feel inferior.' Not 'he makes me feel inferior, he thinks I'm not good enough.' Are you sure you want to do something that makes him proud, Bryn? Or do you want to do something that makes you proud of yourself?" "Both," she said, quietly. "I guess--I guess mostly me. I tend to think that if I'm not good enough, he'll find somebody better. I know that's mostly my parents' fault." She swallowed. "Sometimes Anton tells me that he thinks I should get out of the house more. And that I'm too dependent on him. I guess I read more into it. But he's around business women all of the time. Coming home to a messy-haired, spit-up stained wife can't be all that appealing. At least not in my estimation. Sometimes I feel like all of you look at me and see nothing but Anton's wife. Which I am...but that's not all I am." "No, that's not quite right, Bryn. Yes, I see Anton's wife and Max's mother, but I also see a beautiful young woman, a talented artist. But it's hard to see that sometimes." "It's good that you want to change, Bryn. But make sure you're doing it for the right person. You have to want to do it for yourself. Not because you want to do it to make your husband proud of you, but because you want to be proud of you. Otherwise, you never feel it's good enough." Sabryn's shoulders drooped, and she couldn't think up a response. Of course Jess was right. And subconsciously she thought she knew that all along. "But sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have to change. I may be a bit immature, but I'm still learning. And I'm not as sophisticated or smart or as important as Anton, but I haven't been around for a millennium, either. What I really want is for people to see me differently. For them--you--to stop thinking that I'm just hanging on my husband's coattails, sucking up his attention and his money..." She swallowed, unable to meet Jess's gaze. "Just because I like staying home with my son, and I don't need to go out and socialize, that doesn't mean I'm dependent on him. I mean, yes I am, to some extent, because I don't have income of my own, but he said he was fine with that...he said..." Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath. "I feel so guilty spending his money, even though he says it's ours. I guess that's part of the real reason I took the job. But...I know it's really selfish, but sometimes I like it when he spoils me. I'm so *not* used to it. Does that make sense? If he spends the money on me, himself, I don't mind...but I don't like spending without asking first. And every time I do, I hear my mother's voice telling me how wrong it is, that we need that money 'to pay the bills and survive', and how dare I take something I didn't earn. How dare I think I'm that important, that I have that right. How dare I think I'm worth that much?" A surge of pity went through Jess. No, pity wasn't the right word. Empathy was the closest she guessed. "Bryn, you are worth that much. You are that important. You have that right. You are a wonderful, warm, caring person, someone I am glad to have as my friend." "Let's take this suit you're wearing as an example. The color looks good on you, it fits wonderfully, and if Anton were here, you'd buy it without any hesitation. But because you're the one pulling out the credit card, even though he'd approve of you buying it, you're going to not get it? Because you're afraid he's going to suddenly change his mind and disapprove? That, to me, sounds silly." "I know all about that little voice in your head, Bryn. It sounds exactly like the way I hear my mother's voice in my head sometimes. So how about this. Let's get the suit. If you can't buy it without feeling guilty, consider it an early Mother's Day/birthday/Christmas gift from me. Then lets go to Starbucks and get us some of those chocolate brownie frappuccinos that make my blood sugar rise 10 points just by looking at them and sit down and talk about this more, and tell our critical parents to take a hike." After looking at her watch, Bryn nodded. "I can't stay too long, though," she said, as she walked back into the dressing room to grab the clothes she'd worn earlier. "I wanted to get to the gallery a little early to set up some personal stuff in my office. So I'm not so uncomfortable there." Walking back out into the open, she looked down at her feet. Her plain black flats suddenly looked schoolmarmish. "I could probably use some new shoes, too, but those can wait, I guess. One step at a time, right?" Jess nodded. "One step at a time, Bryn." She gave in to the impulse and reached over to give Bryn a hug around the shoulders. "You're going to be fine, Bryn. And if you need someone to talk to, you know you can always come to me, right?" Bryn stared at her, secretly thinking, [No, I didn't know that.] Instead of saying it, she nodded gratefully. "Thank you, Jess." Anton was waiting in the kitchen, the bouquet of flowers he had bought for Bryn to celebrate her first day on the job resting on the table. He was starting to get slightly worried that she hadn't shown up, but figured that she had to stay later than anticipated. He had debated letting Max stay up later than usual, but put the baby down at his normal time. If Max kept to his normal schedule, he'd be demanding dinner about half an hour. He checked the pasta in the boiling pot on the stove. The garlic bread was warming in the oven, and the sauce reheating next to the pasta. He guessed that Bryn would be hungry and tired when she got home, and she shouldn't have to make dinner as well. Pouring the noodles into the colander, he listened for any sounds that she might be home. Bryn drove under the garage door, watching Petunia to make sure the dog didn't jump up and scratch her paint job. After parking, she shut off the engine and opened the door simultaneously, smiling as she greeted her pet. It felt so good to be back in familiar territory, where she could relax and stop pretending she knew what she was doing. Grabbing her purse, she let Petunia lead her to the house. "Sugar? I'm home. Something smells good...is that you or dinner?" "In the kitchen, my dear," Anton called out. He had just finished plating her pasta and poured on the tomato sauce. He placed plate down on the table and lit the candles. He was getting the bread out of the oven when she stepped into the kitchen. "Welcome home, Bryn." Smiling, Bryn walked up behind him and squeezed her arms around his waist. He looked even more delicious than the food, after such a long day. "Thank you, sugar. Everything looks so good. Especially you." She smiled again as he set down the tray, took off the oven mitts, and turned to embrace her. "This is incredibly sweet of you. I'm very appreciative. But where's Max?" He hugged her tight, snuggling his body close to hers. He inhaled deeply, smiling at the scent of her hair. "Max is asleep in his room," he said nodding towards the child monitor on the counter. "He should be awake in about half an hour." He kissed her forehead, and then her lips. "So how was your first day, Bryn?" "Okay," she said, eyes slipping to the side. Turning her head, she nodded towards the stairs. "I think I'm going to go see him for a minute. Feels like I've been gone a week. Would you mind if I change my clothes while I'm up there? It shouldn't take too long. I'll hurry." "No, go ahead. Take your time." He pressed another kiss to her forehead and then released her. Anton was a bit puzzled as she stated towards the living room. [Something's happened,] he thought. [It was a mistake. She hates it. It bores her silly. Someone said something.] Bryn took her time, like he told her, first by going to Max's room and quietly watching him sleep. With only the light from the hallway streaming through the door, she could barely see his face. But she contented herself with softly stroking his hair and back, holding her breath when he stirred in his sleep. She began to feel calmer and felt her heartbeat slow. Finally she carefully left the room and went to the bedroom to change out of her suit. When she came back downstairs several minutes later, she was wearing a long nightshirt in lieu of a robe. Socks kept her feet warm, and she'd pulled her hair away from her face. She saw the roses on the table and smiled. "Are those for me?" "Yes, my dear." He had poured some sparkling grape juice into two flutes. He pulled a chair back, holding it for her as he sat down. He then took a seat near her. There was something not right. He could tell it by her body language, see it in her eyes. He had told himself he would wait until after dinner to ask, but he couldn't wait. "Bryn, is there something wrong?" Hands in her lap, she looked up at him. "I'm sorry, I'm just tired...and relieved to be home. It was stressful there, not knowing what I was doing. I want to make a good impression, but I found myself being homesick when I should've been paying attention. It's just going to take a little while to get used to." Reaching over, she covered his hand with hers and squeezed. "But I was so glad to come home and see you standing there. And with dinner made and the flowers. I'm very, very touched, and vividly reminded of why I couldn't wait to come home and be with you. Thank you, Anton. I love you so much." "You're welcome, my dear. I love you too." Anton placed his free hand over hers and squeezed. "Now why don't you eat before the pasta gets cold?" As Bryn grabbed her fork, Anton took a sip of the grape juice. He had fed earlier, but was still hungry. "I know that I will have to get used to it too. I kept waiting to hear from you at the office. And Amanda said that Max was fussy for most of the time she was watching him." She frowned at that, feeling sad and regretful. "Hopefully I won't have to stay late too often. At least I'll be able to spend half of the night with him. I think things will settle down once the gallery opens and everyone gets used to the routine." She took a bite and chewed slowly. Although everything looked so delicious, and he'd gone to so much trouble, she wasn't very hungry. Still, she kept eating knowing that she'd only get hungry later. "Of course, I'll have to stay late on exhibition nights. And I'll be late when I need to get groceries. But hopefully he'll be okay." Anton nodded. "There's no reason I can't go into work late and do some of the grocery shopping, Bryn." He noticed that she wasn't really eating, but merely picking at and pushing around her food. He put down his fork and turned in the chair to face her. "Bryn, what's wrong? Did something happen at work?" "No." Realizing that he was watching her, she stopped playing with her food. "I'm sorry, sugar, I'm just not very hungry. I know you went to a lot of trouble, and...I just feel bad that I'm not eating." Swallowing heavily, she then took a deep breath and turned slightly to face him. "I had a talk with Jess this morning, about how things are changing for me. And I realized I felt--still feel--a lot of guilt about the way I was perceived by other people, and the way I present myself to others. I realize that I need to change, and it's just scary for me. I'm standing on unstable ground, and...it's just going to take me a while to center myself." "What do you mean, my dear? Why would you feel guilty?" Anton reached over to take her hand again and lightly stroked it. He was confused, not certain where this was coming from. "I'm not sure I understand. What do you mean that you need to change?" Although she wasn't crying, she picked up her napkin and dabbed at her runny nose. "I don't...I don't know. Part of me wants really badly to stay who I am, and get rid of that job, and be the best mom ever. But when I married you, I made a promise to myself that I would do my share and never take anything I didn't earn. I know that if I have my own income, I won't be taking what's yours. I know you say that what's yours is mine, but I don't feel that way." This time when she met his gaze, there were tears in her eyes. "The thing I'm most ashamed about is that I've never felt like your equal. If anything, I feel inferior. And that's not because of anything you did, so please don't think I'm blaming you. The point is that you're smarter than me, and more sophisticated, more important, and I hate being--feeling like--the burden you're carrying." "Bryn," he said softly, stroking his thumb over her hand. "I *never* have seen you as a burden. Never as being below me. You are my equal. You do not have to feel that you have to earn anything, my dear. I will always freely give it to you." Anton shook his head in confusion. "If you're not happy with the job, Bryn, quit." "I can't," she said, almost breathlessly. "I don't know who I am without you. Your employees, friends, and family...they all see me as your wife. Which I'm not complaining about, I love being your wife and Max's mother. But I'm more than that, and no one knows it. They--you think I'm too dependent on you. And it's true. I used to think that was okay, because I only wanted to be with you. I wanted to make you happy. But I'm not happy, not with what they think of me. If it weren't for you, most people wouldn't even know I exist. I want to be important, too, Anton. I don't want to disappear when you walk into the room." "And you shouldn't, Bryn. You are every bit as important as I am." He squeezed her hand. "Bryn, what would it take to make you happy? Because you have made me happy, but I don't want it at the expense of your pleasure." "You are so much more than just my wife and Max's mother. The talented and gifted artist. And I want you to show that side of you to the world." She sniffed, wrinkling her nose. "I don't know." After biting her lip for a minute, she said, "I want to feel like people are listening when I speak. I want to feel like I deserve things, and that I didn't just take them selfishly. I want to know for sure that you don't resent me for not being as powerful as you are. I don't to be weak or dependent. And I don't want people to think I'm weird because I like staying home with my son. I'm so used to being quiet and staying indoors, because I grew up that way. I didn't have a lot of friends. So I don't need a lot of them now. I just need the ones I have, and the people I love, to like me for who I am and not what I lack." His free hand joined the one already clasping her. "Bryn, you do deserve things. You are the most unselfish person I know. And you are not weak, or you would not be talking to me about this right now. And as for what other people think, ignore them if staying home is what makes you happy. Tell them to go to hell and don't worry about them any more." "And I am included on that list, Bryn. I'm sorry if I've made you feel weak or that you need to change. That was never my intention at all. I was raised surrounded by Ivan's court, and forget that not everyone needs to be constantly surrounded." He sighed, looking contritely into her eyes. "I am sorry Bryn. I never meant for you to think that you had to change." When she stood up, he tightened his grip on her as if fearing she might run away. Instead, she lifted her leg and straddled his lap, scooting very close to his body, wrapping her arms around his shoulders as she laid her head on his shoulder. "I think the worst feeling in the world is wondering whether or not I've disappointed you." She shuddered as she released a sob. "I'm sorry. I know you try so hard to make me happy. I--I know you only do what's best for me. And I'm not trying to make you feel like you did anything wrong. But I'm scared, and I don't know if I'm ready for this job." "Shhhh, Bryn." He wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight as he rocked her gently. "You have never disappointed me, Sabryn." He gently kissed her temple, nuzzling her cheek. "I want you to be happy. If that means taking this job now, that's fine. If it means waiting for Max to be a little older, that's fine. And if it means you never go to work, that's fine too." "We don't need the money, Bryn. You know that. I work because I want to. Without the distraction, I would quickly become bored. And maybe you're not like that. Maybe you don't need the outside stimulation. But I don't want you to think that you need to repay me, or you don't deserve our money. It's there for both of us to use. And I don't want you feeling guilty about it. You deserve so many things, Bryn. More than I could give you." Squeezing herself tighter against him, she cried out the rest of her anxiety until she was limp against him. Wiping her eyes and nose on her sleeve, she settled heavily on his lap, legs dangling and sock-clad feet brushing the floor, feeling strangely like a child seeking comfort. She didn't want to move, ever, and pressed her nose against his neck. His words were like a soothing balm, easing the ache of an angry wound. Although he couldn't make her life perfect, his acceptance made it easier for her to feel good about herself. Maybe with his support, she would feel important some day. More than just important to him. Anton continued to hold and stroke her, wanting to comfort her as much as she would let him. "You are not weak in my eyes, my dear. Or you wouldn't have survived your family." He pulled back a little to look at her. "What would make you happy, my dear? Don't worry about what you think I would want you to do. Just concentrate on what you want." She shivered lightly, snuggling closer again. "I can't just quit without giving notice. But...what if I give notice, and two weeks later I decide I don't want to quit? I don't know what to do. I--" She swallowed, then looked up at him. "Do you think that maybe he'd let me stay as a volunteer, without pay, until I know if I like it or not? Then he wouldn't be out of anything if I left, and I could help train my replacement." "You could ask him, my dear. The worst he could say is no and fire you then and there. Or insist you stay on paid staff." He resumed stroking her hair, trying to comfort her any way he could. "Whichever way you decide to go, I will support your decision. I want you to be happy first and foremost." "You always have." She lightly pressed her lips to his throat. "I think I could eat a little bit more now. But I want to get a blanket from the couch first." Climbing off his lap, she stood up next to him. She didn't walk away as quickly as she could have. Instead, stroking his face, she leaned closer and kissed his mouth. "Thank you, Anton. You've always loved me best." Anton gently returned the kiss, caressing her face as well. "And I will do so until the end of time." He stood up and pulled her closer. "Why don't I get you that blanket, and then wrap you up in it. Then I can feed the rest of your dinner. And then..." he kissed the corner of her jaw. "Dessert. She tried to look serious, but couldn't help giggling. Especially at the way her nipples suddenly stood at attention, almost begging for his touch. Biting her lip, she nodded, then turned her head and met his mouth, kissing him tentatively at first, and growing more hungry as the seconds passed. Before she let him go, they were both breathing a bit heavily. "Hurry back." "Yes, my dear." He quickly walked to the living room and grabbed the oversized woven blanket from the couch. Unfolding it, he returned to the dining room, and spread it over the chair they were sitting on. Anton took a seat and then pulled Bryn onto his lap and tucked the blanket around them both. "Comfortable, my dear?" he asked? She nodded, scooting around a bit to make sure. She could feel his response and bit her lip to keep from grinning. "But who's going to feed you? And poor Petunia," she added, glancing down at the dog laying, looking pitiful, at his feet. "I could, if you'd let me." "Well, if you really really want to feed Petunia..." He grinned as she lightly smacked his chest. "I'll feed you and you'll feed me, and Petunia can have what whatever we drop." He tilted his head and lightly kissed her mouth. Bryn made a soft humming sound, fingers curling up in the fabric of his shirt. "I like this. Just us sitting here, me in your lap, being...normal. I've been craving this all day. I do like the suit I bought, but it felt really foreign wearing it. Now I know why you don't wear your ties that often." Twisting slightly, she reached for the fork and began loading it with pasta. "Do you ever wish things were different in your life? Not the living forever thing, but other times?" Anton thought about it a few minutes. "I can't really say there is anything, my dear. The two major things have changed, much to my amazement. The fact that Nathaniel and I are no longer fighting, and the fact that I have a son. No, I take that back. There is one thing that would make my life perfect. If Natasha was out of it, permanently." She grinned at that, before holding the fork up to his mouth. As she watched him chew, she grabbed a piece of garlic bread and took a bite. Everything smelled wonderful, tasted even better. After washing down the bread with the grape juice, she handed him the fork. "Your turn. Do you have any question for me?" Anton swallowed, grinning as he watched Bryn's eyes follow the motion of his Adam's Apple. "Okay, my dear. And be honest about this. If you could, what would you change about me?" Her eyes blinked, and her whole head seemed to follow the movement. Oddly, she looked a little like Jeanie from the old television show. Like she was hoping he, or his question, would disappear. "Change about you?" "Yes." Swallowing, she looked down at her hands. Wracking her mind for whatever that might be. Despite how much she hated the bitch, she wouldn't wish he'd never met Natasha. If he hadn't, she knew he wouldn't have met her either. And she couldn't and wouldn't change his vampirism. It was who he was. She wouldn't change the way he loved her and Max. Wouldn't take away his job or his devastating good looks. His sense of humor charmed her, and she'd learned to appreciate his friendship with Lindy. He was moody once in a while, but very rarely lost his temper. The more she thought about it, the less certain she was that she would change anything. Of course he had his faults, but every man did no matter long he'd lived. "I guess...I think I'd make it so that my dad's comments didn't hurt you so much. It breaks my heart to see you hurt the way I did. If I can't change what he says, at least I'd want to change the way it affects you." Anton gently stroked her hair. "And I wish I could do that for you, Bryn. I wish I could make it that you didn't worry about what other people think about you. Because it's just thoughts and words that should have no power over you. All that should matter is that you are happy with who you are, that your opinion is the only one that really counts." "And yours," she said, softly, between nibbling on her lip. "I care what you think of me. You're the one who has to spend eternity with me. So...is there anything you'd change?" "There are three things I wish I could change, Bryn. I would want you to see how beautiful, how wonderful, how intelligent and talented you are. I wish I could silence that critical voice that tells you that you're not worthy of being loved. And I would Transform you so you would be with me always." He kissed her lips lightly. "At least I'll be able to do one of those things soon." She took a deep breath, before tilting her head and leaning it against him. "I wish I could see myself the way you see me. I hear you say those things...and sometimes I feel like you're talking to someone else. I don't know what else to say." "I wish you could see yourself the way I do." He looked down at her, tilting her head upwards. "I think you are perfect the way you are, my dear. Don't feel that you have to change who you are for me. If you wanted that job because you thought I wanted it for you, quit. You won't be disappointing me. I want you to be happy. That's all." She shook her head. "I'm just frustrating you. And myself. I'm so angry that I'm doing this, again. I'm always giving up, and I hate myself for it...but I'll hate myself if I stay, too." Turning away from him, so he couldn't see her face, she blinked away tears. "I feel so messed up inside. Like I'm diseased or something, and I...I don't want to be sitting here with you, because I'm so embarrassed that you have this wreck of a woman to be your wife. That's the way I feel when you introduce me to people. Embarrassed to be who I am." Anton stroked her hair, not letting her withdraw from his touch. "If that is how you feel, that is why you should want to change. Not because you think you embarrass me, but because you embarrass yourself." He kissed her head softly. "You don't embarrass me, Bryn. I want you to love yourself as much as I do." Pushing herself off his lap, away from his touch, she turned abruptly to face him. "I don't think I ever could. Because the person you see when you look at me doesn't exist. I'm not some gorgeous, talented woman who's going charm everyone you meet and look good on your arm at parties. I'm scarred and ugly on the inside, twisted and broken. I don't paint masterpieces. I create doodles and sometimes I get lucky and they don't look like crap. I'm a mean little bitch who wishes my parents were dead, and despises Lindy for being so pretty. I'm jealous and spiteful, immature...because I stopped living when I was seven. My body has grown, but I'm trapped inside it. I'm addicted to sex and love, and I can't get enough of it, but I'm so bitter and scared that I can't give it back. I don't see Sabryn when I look in the mirror. I see Amanda, a monster, and she's so awful I can't stand to look at her. Is that what you want, Anton? Is that the person you're not embarrassed by?" They were finally getting somewhere. Anton stood up and stepped back into her space, not letting her retreat any further. "No, it's not what I want Sabryn. I want to help you see beyond the scars, beyond that frightened seven year old. I want to help you grow into Sabryn, the beautiful woman, who is who you are." He sighed. "Sometimes I wonder if I stand in the way of that." She shook her head, eyelids closing. "You don't understand. That's never been who I am. It was a lie. When I left home, I thought I could become someone else. I thought that I could just change my name and wish it all away. But it never happened. I never broke free." Her voice slowly grew quieter, until it was finally a whisper. "I know you think you've seen glimpses of her, and maybe you have. But it was just a dream, beating its wings frantically to get away. I wanted so much for you to be the one that could make that happen. And maybe in some small way it did. Max...he's the best of me. He's everything good that I had left." Anton put his arms around her shoulders, pulling her close. "You're wrong, Bryn. There's more good in you than you realize. If not, you wouldn't be so upset right now." He gently rocked her back and forth, trying to soothe her. "I've seen more than glimpses of her, Bryn. Of the person you really are. Not Amanda, but Sabryn. She's not a lie. She's just waiting to come out, to bloom like a flower." He tilted her head up so he could look at her eyes. "Please, don't be afraid. Let me help her emerge." Her lower lip quivering, she stared up at him until her eyes washed over. With a jerky nod of her head, she sank against his grip, clenching her fingers in his shirt, holding on for dear life. Although her knees were weak, she managed to stay upright with his help. Leaning heavily against him, and sobbing quietly. Tears not of a grown woman, but of a small girl who wasn't held and comforted when she needed it most. "Shhh..." Anton continued to hold and rock her, trying to offer comfort over two decades too late. "It's okay, cry all you want." He lightly stroked her hair and let her purge the tears from her. His own eyes were misty from the pain she was expressing. But he held her and kissed her, doing all he could to comfort the frightened seven year old in her. She was starting to sag as she became weak with fatigue. She let out a soft moan as he bent and scooped her up, carrying her over to the couch. Settling into the corner of the couch, he propped his legs up and let her rest partially beside and partly on top of him. Cheek pressed to his shoulder, she sniffled every now and then as she released the rest of her silent tears. Fingers still clenching his shirt, she tangled her legs with his and shivered. Anton wished he managed to bring the blanket with him. But he didn't want to leave her to go get it. Instead he held her close, trying to offer her his body's warmth. He gently stroked her back, massaging her skin and planting small kisses on her head. Then he grabbed her hand clutching his shirt, gently squeezing it. It seemed like hours later when she was finally quiet and pliant against him, but it was probably minutes. Eyelids drooping, she sniffed one last time before giving up and breathing through her mouth. [I could fall asleep here, just like this.] After a few minutes, she looked up at him and gave him a weak smile. "I've only ever, in my entire life, felt safe in your arms. Felt loved." "I want you to feel like that for all time, my dear." He smiled gently, stroking her hair out of her eyes. "You deserve to be loved, to feel safe. Both Amanda and Sabryn. And I am always going to be here to love you." He squeezed her hand again. "You will always be safe in my arms, Bryn. I promise you that." Sitting up a bit, she stopped him when he started to reach for her. "I'll be right back." Crawling off the couch, she returned to the dining room and grabbed the plate they'd been eating from. Piling some extra pasta and garlic bread on it, she placed the fork on the dish and reached for their wine goblets. Instead of bringing both, she dumped the contents of one into the other to make it almost full. Before picking everything up, she wrapped the blanket around her shoulders. Bryn carefully carried the plate and goblet back to the couch, avoiding her reflection in the sliding glass door. She knew her eyes were likely swollen and red, and she didn't need proof. "I thought we could finish dinner. It is really good, you know. You should cook more often." "I'll make a note of that." Anton sat up and snagged one leg of the coffee table with his foot, pulling it closer to the couch. He took the plate from Bryn and set it on the table. Once she settled down beside him, he draped the blanket over the both of them. She was avoiding discussing what just happened, and for the moment he was willing to let her. Filling the fork with noodles and sauce, he held it to her mouth, his other hand cupped underneath to catch any drips. She took the bite gratefully, suddenly famished. The sauce melted like butter on her tongue, and she couldn't suppress her moan of appreciation. Sticking close to his side, absorbing his warmth, she allowed him to feed her for several minutes before taking her turn. It was fun to help him eat, knowing that she could lean forward and kiss the sauce off his chin if she should spill. Keeping her hand on his thigh when she wasn't using it, she tried to let him know just how much she appreciated this time with him. "I love you," she said, her voice scratchy, as he took another bite. "I'm sorry if it seems like I'm pushing you away. Because I really don't want to. Not one bit." "I know, Bryn," he reassured. "I know that you're scared, and that when you're scared, you withdraw so you won't be hurt again. But I'm not going to let you do that. I'm going to stick with you." He then took a bite of the garlic bread she held to his lips. He chewed and swallowed, his eyes never leaving her face. "I love you so much, Bryn." Her lips twitched a bit, but she stilled them by leaning closer and kissing his mouth. What it lacked in passion, she made up for in sentiment. It really wasn't fair, the way she treated him sometimes. She tried to love him as much as she could, but she feared her idea of love was entirely different from the norm. And although she wanted to blame her parents for that, she'd never tried to reach out to others when she had the chance. Not until he came along. And when she couldn't get enough of what he gave her, she feared she might smother him. It was so terribly hard to find a balance. "One day, I'm going to love you perfectly. And I'll finally understand what you see in me." "I know you will." He kissed her back lightly, keeping things easy for the moment. If she wanted more intense physical comfort, he would follow her lead. When the kiss broke, he still pressed his lips to her cheek, her temple, her hair, whatever he could reach. She laughed softly, squirming under the gentle assault. Still, she leaned even closer as she fed him his next bite. She was getting warm, aroused, but she wasn't sure if she should pursue the feelings. Just minutes ago, she'd told him she was addicted to love and sex. Now she wasn't sure what he would think of her if she came on to him. Allowing her hand to tighten slightly on his thigh, she reached for the goblet and offered him a drink. "I like watching you eat. I like watching you, period. You're so very handsome." "And you're very beautiful. No, don't look away." He lightly kissed her cheek. "Some day, I'm going to be able to compliment you without you feeling unworthy, without you trying to come up with a counter-argument. Your are going to believe me when I tell you how special you are, even before I say it." He pressed his lips to her forehead. "I want to make love to you, Bryn, to worship you with my body. But only if you're up to it tonight." She licked her lips, swallowing to remedy the sudden dryness of her mouth. His eyes were merciless, paralyzing her gaze, and she continued to stare at him even as she nodded her head. "Yes. I want you to." Bryn managed to keep from adding, [I need you to.] It crossed his mind that sex may not be not be the best thing at the moment. But he offered, she wanted it, and he wasn't going to say no. He leaned forward and kissed her softly, his hand stroking her back soothingly. He curled his fingers through her hair, relishing its silkiness. Sucking lightly on his upper lip, she let her hand slide a bit higher on his thigh. Teasing the inside seam of his jeans. She was nervous in a way she hadn't been in a long time--afraid of being too aggressive, smothering him with her emotions. In an effort to avoid that, she kept her movements slow and gentle, almost hesitant, allowing him to lead her where he would. She hoped he hadn't formed the same opinion about her addictions. Anton settled back further on the couch, pulling her along with him. He slipped his arm around her waist, squeezing gently. Slowly he started inching her shirt up her body as his kisses became deeper and more aggressive. His tongue dueled with hers, tasting her. Setting down the bowl of pasta, Bryn slipped her leg over his, settling on to her knees, her body resting against his. She wanted his hands on her, ripping at her clothes. She tugged and pulled at his instead. Dragging his shirt up his torso, she slid her hands underneath to explore the sensitive skin of his belly. Her fingernails raked through the trail of gilded hair twisting down from his navel. Although she wanted to yank open the fly of his jeans, she busied herself with circling his skin, reading every texture like braille. Anton's belly flexed under the slightly ticklish sensation. He continued to pull at her shirt until he worked it over her head and arms. With an open mouth he started to kiss her neck and shoulders, working his way down her body. She tasted wonderful beneath his tongue, a familiar flavor that was also exciting. Squirming, she trapped his thigh between hers and lightly rocked her hips in rhythm with his kisses. She couldn't wait to have him inside her, stretching and filling her, making her scream. He made her hungry for him, at all times, and if that made her an addict, she would admit it. But she never wanted anyone else, never needed that fix when another man was near. Sliding her hands up to his chest, she rolled his nipples under her thumbs and enjoyed his writhing response. "I want you so much..." He let out a soft groan. Anton tugged her tighter against his body and shifted again, laying down, his back against the couch. Urging her onto her side also, he continued to kiss her as his hand slid down her back to start toying with the hem of her underwear before slipping beneath to cup her ass. Bryn jumped, her hips jerking against his before shifting to push her ass even tighter in his hand. She began working his shirt higher, carefully maneuvering it over his arms, one at a time, before slipping it off his head. She let out a soft moan as his hand returned to her ass, squeezing lightly. Scooting a bit lower, her hands went to his zipper, easing it down, while her mouth closed over his right nipple. Nibbling lightly, she unfastened his jeans and began pushing them off his hips. Anton wiggled and squirmed, helping her along. His explorations had moved his mouth down to her right breast. Teasingly, he flicked his tongue out to lap lightly against the hard nipple. His hand continued to squeeze her ass gently as he pushed a leg between hers, rubbing the ball of his foot against the calf of her leg. "Mmm...so good." She moved closer as she soon as his jeans were out of the way, and opened her legs, rubbing herself against his silk-covered erection. Pushing slightly with her hips, she almost impaled herself on the head of his cock--if not for the satin and silk separating them. Smiling at the moan he released, she reached down to slip her hand under his boxers, teasing the hair on his groin, not yet touching his cock. "I'm aching for you, sugar." "Shhh..." Anton soothed, shifting underneath her hand. "I'm aching for you too, my dear." He nuzzled her breast softly, sucking the nipple into his mouth. He softly nibbled as he started to tug her underwear down her legs. Anton let out a soft moan as his hand curved around her ass, following the crease until his fingers could feel her wetness. Shivering with desire, she was growing impatient and reached down yank his boxers off his hips. She jumped slightly as his cock sprang free of the elastic band. Using her foot to drag the underwear further down his legs, she grasped his erection in her hand and stroked him. The rigidity beneath his flesh made her mouth water. His hips started to move in time with her strokes, prolonging and intensifying the simple contact. Letting go of her breast, he squirmed as his fingers began to stroke and tease between her legs. "Roll over onto your other side, Bryn," he whispered in her ear, and then sucked at the lobe, raising a small hickey on it. Biting her lip, she allowed him to continue for a minute before turning over to face away from him. Already aware of what he wanted, she slipped her hand under her thigh and lifted it perpendicular to her body, out of the way, so he'd have plenty of room to thrust inside her. She could feel the heat radiating off his groin, and whimpered when he rubbed his cock against her ass. "I wish we had the video camera set up. I love watching you fuck me." "Mmmm." He whispered in her ear. "Do you want me to stop and get it?" "Noooo..." The moan was a heartfelt plea. "Good. Because I have no intention of stopping now." He pushed his cock against and then into her sex. He barely gave her time to adjust before he began thrusting in short, shallow strokes. She began moaning immediately, her hips rolling almost uncontrollably. The head of his cock continually pushed open the mouth of her sex, withdrawing again, then thrusting back in, driving her crazy. She was the most sensitive there and her nerve endings were firing vibrantly. Squeezing her sex, she tried to catch him, a game she didn't want to win, causing her to shudder every time he slipped away. "Oh God! Fuck me, make me scream!" He bit his lip at her words, resisting the temptation to sink his fangs into her neck. It wasn't time yet, not if they wanted to try for another child. He could taste where he was lacerating his lip, taste his own blood. Eyes flaming with desire, Anton started to rub against Bryn's clit as he thrust, grunting as she squeezed him even tighter. Her head tilting back, Bryn let out a soft wail. His fingers were fantastic, slipping and sliding over her wet flesh, strumming her clit as if jamming on a guitar. She felt like she might explode. Pushing her hips backward, she tried to push him a bit deeper, to clench him, needing something to hang on to. Unable to grasp him, she reached behind her and wrapped her hand around the back of his neck. Anchoring herself to him, dragging her fingernails through his hair. His other hand slipped under her body to squeeze her breast. The way Bryn grabbed at his hair pressed his mouth to her neck. He shuddered against her even as he thrust and sped up his fingers even more. He could almost taste the rich fluid coursing through her arteries and veins... Sliding her hand down from his neck, she grabbed his ass and held on to feel each clench of his muscles. She was so close, nearly spasming already, and when he nipped at her neck she shrieked like a banshee. Digging her fingernails into his ass, she vibrated as she came. Shuddering and whimpering. "Uggh! Anton!" Anton let out a yell against her neck as he flooded her sex, one fang accidentally puncturing her skin. He froze, trembling with the need to press down and drink from her body. But he'd never forgive himself if he did - if he Transformed her without trying for that second child they both wanted. With a painful moan, he pulled back slightly, tongue lapping in short cat strokes the wound, taking from her as much as he could before she stopped bleeding. She tasted wonderful. Shaking, she leaned her head back, giving him more access, and squeezed his cock firmly to keep him inside her. Her nipples were achingly hard, and she grabbed his hand to urge him to cover her. His palm was warm and slightly sweaty. It felt incredible. He twisted as he stopped licking, his mouth coming to hers, and she kissed him hungrily, addicted to the tangy flavor of his tongue. The sweetness of her own blood. He pushed his tongue into her mouth as he squeezed her breast. Anton held her tightly, wanting her to feel loved and cherished and protected. When the kiss broke, he nipped her lower lip, sucking on it lightly. Bryn let out a soft moan, staring into his dark eyes. It was like staring into pools of melted semisweet chocolate, with flecks of caramel crystallizing around the pupil. She was sure she could compare his every body part to food, given he was so delicious. And he made her feel gluttonous, completely addicted. Shifting her hips slightly, she let him slip out of her and turned to face him. Wrapping her arms just as tightly around his body, she nuzzled his neck while lightly nibbling at his throat. "I don't want to move. Everything feels perfect here." He held her tightly, hand stroking up and down her back. "I wish that you could feel that way all the time, my dear." He kissed her lips lightly. He closed his eyes, wishing he could do more to help her feel more confident. Like her, he didn't want to move. Until he heard Max cry over the baby monitor. Opening her eyes, Bryn took a deep breath. She was starting to get drowsy already. Swallowing, she sat up and blinked a few times. "I'll go get him and bring him down here. I'd like to finish dinner if you don't mind. I'm really hungry now." She gave him a soft smile, as she stood and walked around the couch. Stopping just before she reached the stairs, she turned back to meet his gaze. "I love you, Anton. No matter what. I know I'm confused about what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, but I've never been confused about that. I love you, and your children, and I can't wait to spend the rest of eternity with you. That will never change." Anton sat up. "I love you too my dear. I will always love you, for all time." He watched as Bryn went upstairs. He sat back against the couch, sighing. He and Bryn had a lot of work ahead of them to build up her confidence. This would take time. Anton was gathered with Lindy and Alex in his office. He had been informed earlier that the investigators looking into the drugs found in the shipment wanted to speak to him. He hadn't been able to pick out anything from the tone of voice of the caller. He didn't know if further investigation was necessary, or if the would be arresting someone. Although slightly reassured by Lilith's promises that there would be someone working on the inside, he was still worried. Although some vampires considered the Empress all powerful, Anton knew that dissuading humans once they had made up their mind was sometimes easier said than done. When the detective entered he gave them a nod and made a motion to sit down, but remained upright until they were seated as well. "Thank you for taking the time to meet with me. I know your hours are a little different, Mr. Rudenko, so I appreciate your attention. First of all, you'll be glad to hear that we've gone through your records thoroughly, as well as establishing that you've had a very good reputation in this area for at least ten years. You must have started this business very young?" "That's correct." Anton resisted the urge to add "Get on with it." "And in that time you've never had any problems with the law, keeping your permits up to date, etcetera." Anton nodded. "You've lived in the area for nearly three decades, have had no unusual bank transactions...your, uh, considerable wealth comes from an inheritance. Your business has always been legit. In short, what I'm saying is that you are no longer under suspicion, Mr. Rudenko. Neither is your business. Your employees, however, still are. The narcotics found in your shipment were a fairly small amount. The way I see it, this could very well be the work on one individual or bad apple, so to speak." Anton nodded, trying to keep the relief from showing on his face. At least he was cleared. And he hoped that since they were talking in front of Lindy and Alex, that neither of them were under suspicion either. "I know you can't speak freely without endangering your investigation, but do you have any indication or suspicion of who this might be?" "We are focusing on a small group of individuals. I'm sure you'll be relieved to know that none of them are currently present." He tried to give them a charming smile, but none of them saw much humor in the remark. The detective cleared his throat. "None of the investigation is centered around management at this time. That's about all I can tell you." He swallowed, closing his leather folder. "If I may make a suggestion, off the record--it might be a good time to go back and take a look through your employees resumes. I know there's a tendency in some businesses to check a few referrals and overlook the rest. I can't say much more, but it might behoove you to be certain none of your employees have past felony charges." Anton nodded. "We will take that into consideration," he said, ignoring the look that Lindy shot him. They would discuss that later on in private. And it made sense that someone may have lied on their application, and that he hadn't caught it. "Is there anything more we can do to assist your investigation?" "Your cooperation is very much appreciated. Of course, if you have any suspicions of your own or come across any information you think would help us, we would expect you to report it. Other than that, I would like to be informed as to any employee absences. We're doing our best to keep our eye on the individuals in question, but there's only so much man power we can spare." "That's completely understandable. You will continue to have our full cooperation." Anton looked over at Alex and Lindy, and then back to the detective. "Do you have any other questions for us?" "Not at this time." Standing up, the detective offered his hand to each of them in turn. "Thank you very much for your time and cooperation. I'll be in contact, and I can see myself out. Good night." "Good night," Anton and Lindy called out. Once the door was closed, Lindy turned her attention to Anton and raised her eyebrow. "I really hope you're not seriously considering background checks on everyone who works here. The detectives are doing their jobs, and they'll eventually find whomever is responsible and take care of it. I don't think the employees need to be subjected to an invasion of privacy by us, too." Surprisingly, it wasn't Anton but Alex who answered. "I don't think it's that simple, Lindy. Vandala's playing things very close to her chest, but I think she's found something." "She's told me that has found something, but not what." Anton steepled his fingers in front of his face. "If Natasha is involved, a background search probably won't turn up anything. But double checking the references we were given might still be a wise choice." Lindy sighed. "So, fine, we let Vandala," she said the name with disdain, "check into their backgrounds. Let an outsider do it. Not us. Do you really want them to look at us like the enemy? And you can't tell me that they won't, because it's a very big possibility. They're loyal, and I think I've developed a strong bond with most of them. I don't want to lose that friendship." "We have, Lindy," Anton said softly. "And that's why it's like a knife to the gut to think that one of them is involved with Natasha. Or even if they aren't, that they'd use us like this." He sighed. "That aside, we need protect ourselves." "Protect ourselves?" Lindy said. "You make them sound like hostile strangers." "No they aren't, Lindy. Which makes this all the harder. If someone's using us for a front, even without Natasha's involvement, I want that person gone. And if we have to run a background check, which we should have been doing when we hired them, to do it, then so be it." Disappointed and frustrated, but not particularly mad, Lindy crossed her arms. "Fine...should I get started on that now?" Anton shook his head. "I think Alex should be the one handling it." "I agree." Alex sat back in his chair. "We can say that it's part of me coming on board, and I can be the bad guy and take the heat for this." Lindy tilted her head. "What's wrong with Vandala doing it? She's Lilith's bodyguard, for God's sake. If anyone knows about secrecy and criminal activities, it would be her. I'd much rather she take the fall than Alex. At least she'll be leaving some day." "I think what Anton means is that we'll be working together--I'll just be in charge of things." "It's not a good idea." "Why?" Unable to speak of her jealousy, she shook her head. "I just don't. One person should be enough, and it should be her." She swallowed. "Besides...I think Lilith would be upset to learn that we're not allowing her bodyguard to do the job she was sent here for." Anton shrugged. "Vandala seems content to work independently of Alex. As long as we don't interfere with her investigation, I don't think that Lilith has grounds to complain." "And don't think that she already hasn't run a check. I would be surprised if she hadn't." "Sure, fine, whatever," Lindy said. "Are we done?" Anton nodded, standing. "I need to leave myself, if I'm going to surprise Bryn at work." Lindy's stance softened slightly. "Tell her I'm sorry I haven't been able to see her since she got back. If she's up to it, I'd love to talk to her when she gets home." "I'll let her know," Anton said. From her attitde, he could tell that something was up with Lindy, but he wasn't sure what. With that, she walked out of the office, leaving Anton and Alex to share a look of confusion. End Chapter One Hundred Two <- Previous Chapter | Home | Next Chapter ->