Chapter One Hundred Six It was almost sunset, and Anton was wide awake. He had been awake almost two hours, cradling his wife and son as they slept. Bryn had sounded so confident of her choice this morning, and Anton wanted so badly to Transformed her. But he wasn't certain that her confidence would still be around when she woke up. And more importantly, he had some misgivings. He had come to a realization, thinking of the other times he had wanted to Transform her. Each time he had felt threatened, felt that he was losing her in some way. And with Natasha as a threat and Lilith seemingly impotent against her, was it any wonder that he felt threatened? [It wouldn't be fair to her,] Anton thought, gently stroking her hair. [Her Transformation should be a joyous occasion, not because I'm scared that Natasha will do something.] He just hoped that Bryn would understand. She groaned, stretching and rolling closer to him, forgetting momentarily that Max was on her chest. The baby let out a soft cry at being disturbed, his arms flailing as he was rolled onto his side. Opening her eyes, Bryn tightened her grip on him and eased him to the bed. She rubbed her nose, blinking herself to wakefulness. When she saw Anton watching her, she smiled. "Have I been sleeping in?" "No," he said, smiling back at her. "I've just been watching you. Doing some thinking." "About what?" "About Transforming you," he answered honestly. "Bryn, I'm not sure that now is the right time. No," he said, shushing her protest. "You've just started a new job, there's Natasha hanging over our heads, and I don't want to take from you the chance to have another child we both want so badly." He gently kissed her lips. "I will Transform you, Sabryn. I promise you that with all my heart and soul. But I think we should wait for a little while." She didn't want to tell him, but she was a bit relieved. As much as she wanted that bond with him, she wasn't so sure she was ready for it. Unlike before, she'd finally started recognizing what the implications of that decision were. For all intents and purposes, she would be dead. And he was right--she would miss the chance at having another child, even if she did dread the hormones swings it would induce. Still, he'd been so excited the night before... "I thought you really wanted this now." "I do, but I don't. I won't deny that I want you to be a vampire. I want you to be my mate and my equal in all ways. But I want it to be for the right reasons." He gently stroked her hair. "I've realized that every time we've almost Transformed you, it was because I was threatened with losing you. This time, I'm not going to let Natasha dictate our lives." He kissed her forehead. "Besides, if you're willing and we're able, I want that second child with you, my dear." She nodded, leaning over Max to kiss his mouth. "Yes, I'm willing. And you aren't going to lose me. We've come too far...there's no way I'm skipping out now. Besides, Lindy said she saw two children, and the last I counted, we only have one. An incredibly cute one, but still one." She watched his face, hoping he wasn't leaving anything out. "Well...I guess that changes our evening entirely." He gave her a small smile. "Well, we could bundle up Max and take the horses and go on that picnic. Or we could get into the car and just go for a long drive." He gently caressed his son's head and kissed her. "I just want to spend a fun evening with you and Max, my dear. And not worry about...other things." He wouldn't say Natasha's or Lilith's name any longer tonight. "Okay. How about we pack up the picnic and drive down to the beach? We could take Petunia, too. And if it's not too horribly cold, we could even go in the water." She smiled at him. "Do you know how to surf? I think that would be fun to learn. Might be a bit more difficult at night, but there was a really cool night surfing scene in that Keanu Reeves movie, Point Break." "Surfing? I can't say I know how to do that, my dear. But heading to the beach does sound like fun." He pressed a kiss to her hair. "So let's go downstairs and start packing a lunch." He sniffed also, wrinkling his nose. "And a diaper bag." "I'll leave that part up to you, sugar," she said, grinning. Lifting up Max, she handed him over while holding her breath. Unfortunately, her responding laughter, at the grimace on his face, caused her to breathe in and erupt into a coughing fit. "Uggh...it gets worse when you move him." She crawled out of the bed, heading for the dresser. Petunia wandered over to greet her, tail lazily wagging, and licked her hand. She leaned over a bit to scratch the dog's ears. "Good morning, lazy dog." "Don't you mean evening, my dear?" Carefully holding Max, Anton got out of bed. "We could always bring Petunia along, keeping her on leash." Although disappointed that he wouldn't be making Bryn a vampire any time soon, it was a relief that she was handling it well. "Let me go change Max. I'll meet you downstairs in a few minutes, my dear." "Are you going to the beach naked, sugar? I won't complain, since we did do that once before, but it might be a bit cold out." She was sure she didn't have to mention anything about shrinkage. Pulling out some stretch pants and a sweatshirt, she walked into the bathroom to get dressed and pull her hair into a ponytail. Petunia didn't seem to know who to follow. Eventually she trotted into the bathroom, too. "And what are you going to want for lunch? I hope you know I'm showing remarkable restraint in not mentioning anything about cold cuts!" Anton smirked at her. "And I appreciate it my dear. I was thinking that we could pick up some fried chicken or something like that on the way, if it takes too long to make." Anton made another face. "Phew, little boy. What did you eat last night?" Grinning at Bryn, he ducked towards the door. "I'll be back in a few minutes, my dear." She listened to him walk away before crouching down and opening the cabinet next to the sink. Oddly enough, next to a box of tampons is where she found the test. Tapping the box thoughtfully on her knee, she tried to remember how it long it had been since she last nursed Max regularly. Probably not even two weeks. It was too early. Max would be getting close to twenty-weeks-old soon. She had to wonder just how long they could wait before worrying that their second miracle would never come. "Come on, Kat," she whispered, remembering that they'd agreed upon Anton's mother's name. Her name, so many eons ago. "Please get here before Daddy's birthday." Lindy sat at one of the library's computers, typing away and reading the results on the screen. She was checking out the electronically archived back issues of various local newspapers, searching. She wasn't having any success, and she really hadn't expected to. But still, she felt compelled to try. Glancing over at the clock, she frowned. Half an hour until the library closed, and she had barely made any progress. Meanwhile, Nate was walking through the stacks behind a prim gray-haired woman who had agreed to show him to the San Jose birth records for 1979. It was a far reach, as far as Lindy was concerned, but it was worth a try. She'd been found in the area by Jess, when she was eight, but that didn't mean she'd been born there. That child-molesting bastard could've dragged her halfway across the country after killing her mother...if she was even born in the United States. There was nothing saying she hadn't been born in Canada, or England, or even Africa for all they knew. And if he had to, he'd search every single country to make her happy. He felt like a bull stomping down the aisles, his heavy boots making clomping sounds, his leather pants creaking, dark sunglasses perched on his nose. It was horribly bright and cheery in the quiet library, and he looked about as natural there as Satan did in a Catholic boys school. But he would've walked in there in a clown suit if she'd asked. Lindy continued clicking through newspapers for 1983, wishing she could at least narrow her search down to a month. That was assuming that the news article was online to begin with. She searched for murders, unexplained deaths, missing children, and dog maulings. She wasn't certain how it would be listed, if at all. Growing frustrated by her lack of results, and the librarian hovering behind impatiently checking her watch, she logged off the computer and picked up her purse and helmet. With an irritated sigh, she passed the librarian and went off in search of her husband. Asking directions from the woman Nate had talked to earlier, she headed back into the stacks, looking up and down the aisles until she spotted her husband. "Any luck?" she asked him. He looked up from the reference book he was holding and nodded absently. "Yeah, a little redhead slipped me her number about two minutes ago. You must've just missed her." "Oooh. My next meal," Lindy answered. She walked up behind him and put her arms around his waist. "I wasn't able to make much headway, but what I did read makes me think that I'm not going to be able to find anything. I don't even know if I'm even searching the right city." Using his finger to hold the page, Nate closed the book and squeezed her hands. "Well, we have about twenty-five minutes left...and they don't let people check this book out of the library. So, we could sit down and go through it page by page, or we could just go for a ride." "Where would that get us?" "Anywhere we want to go. Most importantly, we could wander around and see if anything looks familiar to you. I know you've lived here for a long time now, but have you ever really gone exploring? To see if any of the neighborhoods or buildings spark a memory? Even if they don't, you never know when we might find a great cafe or novelty shop we might like. And if tonight doesn't produce anything, we still have options. More hypnosis, maybe." Lindy nodded. "Let's get out of here. We can always come back tomorrow and look at the book." She watched as Nate placed it back on the shelf and then took one of his hands as they walked to the front door. "Jess and I used to explore a lot of the area. Nothing really seemed familiar. But maybe since now I'm remembering things, something might shake loose." "What do you say we stop and get something to eat at a fast food place before they close? I'm hungry and we'll need something to warm us up." "Sounds good to me." As they walked out the doors and over to his bike, he rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb. Although it wasn't exactly cold out, the cool night air would get a lot crisper once the wind hit them. "Do you remember anything about the time you were with your abductor? Did he keep you locked up, or did you ever get a chance to see the outdoors or the city?" Lindy shook her head. "I was indoors most of the time. I don't think he wanted anyone to know that I was there. Too many questions to answer about what I was doing there I guess." She looked up at the night sky. "I used to look outside at night at the stars and wish I could be up there in them." She squeezed his hand. Letting out a heavy sigh, Nate looked upward as well. "I didn't give up wishing that even after I turned nine-hundred. Sometimes I still think that...except this time I'm thinking about a space shuttle, not heaven. We've been through some really hard stuff, Lind. But it's only going to get better from here. It took me a long time to understand it, but you're the one who taught me that the past doesn't matter." Stopping in front of the Yamaha, he lifted his helmet off the handlebar. "What really matters is that you're here with me now. And I love you. And I'm going to do whatever I can to help you find peace, whether that means delving into the past, or charging headlong into the future." Lindy took his helmet before he could put it on. She stepped forward and kissed him, gently pulling his lower lip between hers. She nipped it slightly before stepping back to look at him. "Thank you for reminding me what's important, Nate." She handed him his helmet. "Shall we charge headlong into that future now?" "Lets." Making quick work of putting on his helmet, he lifted his leg over the seat and straddled the bike. He had it started before she finished settling behind him. Balancing the motorcycle between his long legs, he walked it backwards out of the stall before facing forward. Reconfirming that Lindy was hanging on tight, he said, "You ready?" She squeezed him a little tighter, scooting up right against his leather-clad ass. "Ready." With that, he flipped on the lights and drove them out of the parking lot. She held on tight to her to his waist as he sped onto the road. Lindy did pay more attention to the neighborhoods they drove through. Nothing looked familiar to her, or at least nothing reminded her of anything from her childhood. She leaned forward a bit so that he could hear what he had to say. "I know I nice cafe in Los Gatos, about ten minutes from here. You hungry?" "Sounds perfect to me. I hope they have big cheeseburgers and milkshakes. That's what I'm craving." "I believe you're in luck." He grinned, his teeth flashing brilliant white against all of the black he wore. In that moment, he felt perfectly content. He was carefree, wild as the wind, and in love with his gorgeous girl, who clung to him so tightly they were practically merged. Speeding along the alleyways, even if he did have to stop at every cross street, energized him. For all he cared, they could've ridden all night. Yelling out directions every so often, she guided him not to downtown Los Gatos, but one of the main strips which had more residential retail stores. After a few turns, they pulled into what once had been a drive up restaurant, but had been converted so there was now a dining area as well as the external order windows. As he parked in a spot near the windows, Lindy pulled her helmet off. "Best milkshakes in town, Nate," she said, shaking her hair. "And they're chili dogs aren't half bad either." He set his own helmet back on the handlebar and followed Lindy towards the door. He noticed a few heads turning as Lindy walked past and felt a surge of pride on her behalf...still, he didn't waste any time wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her close. Opening the door for her, he stuck close behind. "What are you gonna get, babe?" Lindy looked up at the menu, scanning the choices. "I think I'm going to go with the bacon cheeseburger, onion rings, and a strawberry shake." Her hand has wrapped around his waist, fingers caressing the leather pants he was wearing. She grinned over at him. "We should bring Liam here some time. I'll bet he'd have a lot of fun playing with those old fashioned napkin holders they have on each table." She glanced back at the menu. "So what are you going to have?" "Bacon cheeseburger sounds damned good to me. How about we get onion rings and fries, and we can share them?" "Okay. Do you want me to get a table?" He nodded, pulling his wallet out of his coat (his pants were too tight a fit). Watching her walk away, he bit his tongue as he stared at her ass. [Not now. Too many people.] When a cashier was free, he ordered their dinners along with a pumpkin pie milkshake for himself. Then he walked to the table with his receipt and their number. Sliding on to the bench seat across from her, he put down the number and his folded sunglasses. "So, do you like playing hooky from work?" "Yeah. It's nice not to have to be responsible for one night." She reached over and grabbed one of his hands. "Nate, I know we've been busy with other things right now. I mean dealing with the fallout of my memories and abduction, but have you thought any more about opening that restaurant that we talked about? I don't want to see your dream fall by the wayside." Nate squeezed her hand in return. "I haven't given up on it. But I have decided to put it on hold for a while. After everything that's happened in the last year, I want to make sure things are completely settled down before I begin thinking about the restaurant again. Besides, I like staying home with Liam. I like watching him learn and grow." Although he hesitated for a moment, he didn't sound resentful or accusatory. "I didn't get to experience that the first time. I don't want to miss a single moment of his life." "Yeah, he is hard to leave sometimes." Lindy softly squeezed her hand. "I sometimes still feel sorry about how I handled that whole situation then. I should have been more honest with you and told you everything." She didn't want to get into specifics since they were in public. "I wish there were an easy way to find out more about them." He nodded, watching her face. "I didn't bring that up to make you feel guilty or to dwell on it, so don't. It was a long time ago, and the things that happened were every bit as much my fault. I just..." He shook his head. "I wish impossible things sometimes. Like the ability to change the past. But it's pointless worrying about it. At least they had a good life. That's all I can ask for." "Yeah," Lindy said. "That I do know. And we'll make sure that Liam has a good life now." She jerked her head slightly as the cook called out a number. "I think that's ours. No," she said as Nate started to get up. "I'll go get it." He watched her go, regretting he'd even brought up the subject. She already beat herself up about her childhood and what she was...she didn't need to feel guilty about Lindara's actions, too. [She made the smartest move she ever could've. Getting the children away from me saved their lives.] Staring down at his hands, he remembered so clearly what they'd looked like stained with her blood. Pungent brown stickiness he'd scrubbed so hard to get off that his skin turned raw. But he had quickly healed. Despite her wolf form, Lindara had not. Because he left her there, nearly bloodless, without even the strength to push him away. A breath away from the death. And, unbeknownst to him, carrying the only true offspring he could ever hope to have. [She's coming...now shut the fuck up and smile at her before she realizes what's wrong.] Balancing a tray filled with food and sodas, she concentrated on what was immediately in front of her. She looked up in time to see a false bright smile on his face. The same look he had when he was thinking of something from his past that he didn't want to share with her. She put the tray down and sat down. Lindy didn't think she'd get an answer, but she had to ask anyway. "Something wrong, Nate?" "Not anymore," he murmured, sounding sincere. "Racing headlong into the future, right?" Reaching for her shake, she was hesitant to agree. "Would you tell me if something were wrong--or is this something you're keeping to yourself?" Nate started munching on a french fry as he passed out the food. She hadn't miss his heavy exhalation, even though he'd quickly sought to cover it. "I'm not hiding anything from you, Lindy. I was just thinking of another lifetime, remembering. It had absolutely nothing to do with tonight, so it's not important." He paused, looking at her directly. "I don't have a reason to worry anymore. I have everything I ever wanted." "Good," she said softly, picking up an onion ring. Part of her wished that he would talk to her about what was bothering him. But then it probably wasn't good to be doing so here in public. Although curious, she did what she thought was the right thing she hoped. She let it go for the moment. "I have everything I ever wanted too, Nate. Even the things I never thought I'd have" He smirked at her. "And you'll have even more if I have anything to say about it." He took a drink of his shake, his cheeks sinking in from the effort to suck in the thick mixture. "You're right--good shakes." She smiled at him, starting to eat. "I've been thinking...we could use a nice vacation home. Unlike Anton, ours is one of the only homes I've ever bought. The castle was the other. I'd like to have a retreat to go to on special occasions. Maybe something on Hawaii, or in the Rocky Mountains...or Bali, South Africa, China...it really doesn't matter where. We could buy a house in any or all of them. The point is, I want you to decide where. And how many. And whether or not you want to keep this just our special place, or make it somewhere to invite the family. And while we're at it, how about a boat...or a plane. Both!" She chewed on her mouthful of hamburger thoughtfully and swallowed. "How about one of those planes that can land on water? You know, the ones with pontoons or skis. Best of both worlds." She then reached out and snatched one of the french fries. "You know, we may have to do a lot of traveling to find a place we like. I'd love a home in Hawaii, someplace we could go sneak away to every now and then." "That does sound nice. Somewhere to go on our anniversaries." They ate quietly for several minutes, before Nate added, "How about something in France? If we can't find out where Lindara finally settled, at least we'd be in the same country." Lindy nodded. "I've never been to France, but I'd love to go. I'm not sure that I could remember enough of where Lindara ended up, but we could pick a spot for ourselves to settle. But you know all that really matters? Just that I'm with you." The sound of the waves crashing onto shore blended with the jingle of dog tags and the slap of paws against wet sand. Anton was throwing a piece of driftwood for Petunia to fetch. This late at night and with the beach deserted except for them, so he didn't worry about the fact that the dog was supposed to be on a leash. Mid throw, he glanced over to his right and smiled at Bryn, who was holding Max. The pair were sitting on a blanket, watching the antics of the dog. He was about to suggest they come join him when he felt a weight against his stomach. The dog, in her eagerness to get at the stick, jumped up on him. With an oof, he fell back on his ass, Petunia licking his face. Max squealed, kicking excitedly, and Bryn hid her giggles behind his back. Settling the baby down comfortably on the blanket, she started to get up. "Do you need any help? Or maybe a fresh pair of clothes? I know I suggested going naked to the beach, but I didn't think you'd really do it. Or are you going to drive home with your butt all sandy?" Anton smirked at her. "Did we even bring any spare clothes?" Flinging the stick so Petunia would get off his stomach, Anton rolled over and then stood back up. "I just hope that ketchup stain comes out of my jeans easily." He settled down next to Bryn, slipping an arm behind her. "Enjoying yourself, my dear?" "Yes...but I'm not the one who's wet and smells of brine." She grinned. "Max is insisting we open the tiramisu. Right away." "Is that so? Looks to me like he's too busy chewing on the diaper bag." Bryn glanced at Max and rolled her eyes. "So he's sending me subliminal messages. He says his mommy absolutely has to open the tub of tiramisu or he's going to throw a bawling fit. And so will she. So...it's time for dessert. The only problem is, Daddy forgot the dessert in the car and that would be much too far for Max to crawl to. If he knew how, that is." Anton shook his head. "Can't have that, my dear." He leaned over and kissed her forehead. "I'm not sure I want to put up with the whining, the yelling, and the tears of a fit. Especially if Max has one also." He jumped, grinning devilishly when Bryn swatted his ass. "Okay, I give. I'll be right back." Kissing her once more, he started back to the stairway that led to the parking lot. Unable to stop smiling, she watched him affectionately as he walked away. She wished they could have more time like this, just the four of them together having fun. Now that she was working, the nights flew by with ever-increasing speed. At least they were able to e-mail and talk on the phone often. Her coworkers seemed awestruck by how attached she was to her husband...even more so that he was equally attached to her. She liked being someone to envy. It was unfamiliar to her, but felt wonderful. As Petunia trotted over and dropped the stick beside her, Bryn picked it up, grimacing at the sand-mixed-slobber, and tossed it back towards the water. Wagging, the dog watched it fall before loping along after it. Watching eagerly, Max sat up and let out a soft squeal. Coming back down the stairs, Anton smiled. He could see them clearly, even in the dark. Bryn looked happy and at peace, even though she was making a face as she threw the stick. Something so rare for them, and something they should try to strive for more. Hurrying down, he joined them, settling the tiramisu in front of Bryn. "Here you are, my dear." "Aww, thank you, sugar." She leaned forward to kiss him, wiping her slobbery hand on his already-dirty pants. She gave him a little grin as she sat back. "You do know that I only asked you to go get that so I could watch your ass as you walked away, right?" "Suspected as much, my dear." He leaned over and kissed her neck, nibbling lightly. "We need to do this more. Just get out and enjoy all of us being together." He gently caressed Bryn's side as he made funny faces at Max. She giggled right along with the baby, enjoying watching a thousand-fourteen-year-old vampire make a fool of himself just to please them. "Well...it'll probably have to be on a weekend, but our one-year-of-being-together, pre-wedding-anniversary is coming up soon. We could do something fun then. Maybe drive up and see the Sequoias? Find a little bed and breakfast or something?" "That sounds good, my dear. But do you want to go with or without Max? Somehow I doubt that we would be able to leave this cutie," he tickled Max's stomach, "behind for a day or two." He looked over at Bryn and smiled. "But going to see the redwoods would be a lot of fun, my dear. There's plenty of bed and breakfasts up there, or we could rent a cabin." "Mmm." She purred. "We could share a sleeping bag again." Walking her fingers down his chest, she smiled. "And yes, we would miss him too much. And Petunia. Actually, that makes the cabin sound like a much better idea." She leaned against him, making herself comfortable. "We could roast marshmallows in the fireplace, make hot dogs, play games...it sounds like fun. It sounds like the vacations I really used to love." "Then that's what we'll do." Anton gently stroked her hair. "I think I might know a place up north, but I'll have to check it out a little more. Little place just off the freeway just outside a state forest." He smiled down at her. "And then what do you want to do for our wedding anniversary?" "Well, I don't know about you, but I got this offer a few months ago from a handsome count...said he was going to take me to his castle far, far away." She glanced at him. "If you're not going, are you going to be jealous if I go with him? 'Cause he was pretty cute. Had a very nice ass, too. Oh, and can he make me scream--hoo, baby!" Anton grinned. "Then I'll have to come along and make sure that you forget all about this count." He gently nipped her neck. "Do you want to go see the keep, my dear? I mean this year, not later on." "Yes...if you still want to go." She looked at him a bit suspiciously. "If you're nervous about going back there, we don't have to do it this year. And if we do go, and you end being uncomfortable when we get there, we can stay in a hotel." Reaching up, she tucked his growing hair behind his ear only to have it fall forward once again. "I don't want to push you into anything you don't want to do, sugar. I just want to know what made you who you are...the man I love more than anything in the whole world." Anton leaned his head against hers. "Let me think about it, my dear. It would mean facing a lot of things I've been trying to forget. It may not be a fun trip, at least at first." Bryn wrapped her arms tightly around him and squeezed, rubbing her cheek against his shirt. "Then we'll wait. Give you some time to deal with the idea of going back, first. I'll go anywhere you want on our anniversary, or just stay home. It doesn't matter. Novgorod can wait. We've got all the time in the world." They had decided to skip going to the library this night. Lindy just didn't feel like digging through old records again. Instead they spent the night watching TV with Liam. Now the were all curled up on the couch, Liam asleep and sprawled across both their laps. Lindy leaned her head against Nate's shoulder. Something was up, and she wondered when she'd be let in on the secret. He had been glancing at her all night like there was something he wanted to say, but didn't know how. Wrapping his arm over Lindy's shoulders, Nate leaned closer and kissed her hair. "What are you thinkin', baby? You've got that worried look on your face again." "Actually, I was wondering what you were thinking." She twisted slightly so she could look at his face. "Something's up. You've been looking at me like there's something you want to say but don't know how." He made a face, then stretched his arms. "I've been toying with an idea...and I'm not sure whether I want to go through with it or not. It would mean making a pretty significant change. It might mess up our bills for a while, but I think we can handle it..." "What are you talking about, exactly?" "My--Our last name. Adrik wasn't a name I was given or born with. It was a name I chose for myself, after what happened at Ivan's castle...and afterwards. Because it meant darkness." He cleared his throat, readjusting Liam on his lap. "I never had my own surname...until my mother remarried. And although I wasn't grateful for that then, I am now, because Anton is the closest thing to family I ever had until you. So, if it's okay with him, and you, I'd like to change our last name to Rudenko." Lindy blinked at him, thinking it over. This wasn't exactly what she had expected. "You know," she said after a moment. "A year ago, I wanted to be Mrs. Rudenko, but for a completely different reason." She placed her hand over the one of Nate's resting on Liam's back. "And now I would be proud to be Mrs. Rudenko, but only if you are the Mr. Rudenko I'm married to." She leaned forward to kiss him lightly. Tipping her chin up with his bent finger, he kissed her in return. "Thank you, Lind...although I really could have done without the reference to you wanting Anton." She frowned at his comment. He had always said that he accepted her one time infatuation with his brother, but when he made comments like that, she wasn't so sure. "Does that bother you, Nate? Because that ended when I met you." He brushed her hair away from her eyes before settling his arm on the back of the couch, behind her. "Sometimes it bothers me. Not in a let-me-stew-about-this sort of way. It probably bothers me about as much as you knowing that I used to have sex with Natasha." He let out a sigh. "Look, forget I said anything. It was me making a wise crack and sticking my foot my mouth. I'm good at that, remember?" "Yeah." It was a touchy subject at times for the both of them. Or at least for her. Nate seemed to always be comparing himself to Anton and coming up lacking, but in his eyes only. For Lindy, there was no comparison. "So when are you going to talk to him? You are going to talk to him and not just surprise him, right?" "Yes," he said, as if to tell her he wasn't stupid. "For all I know, he could think it's a terrible idea. Or at least be uncomfortable with it. This relationship between us--brotherhood or whatever you want to call it--is still brand new. I don't think either one of us wants to do anything to fuck it up. That being said, I'm not exactly sure when I'll talk to him. Maybe tomorrow, maybe never. It depends on if I really decide to go for it. I take it you think I should?" "Yes. It would mean one more break with your past. One more way to convince those who need convincing," she wouldn't say Lilith's name, "that you're not playing Anton along for a fool." She squeezed his hand lightly. "I would be proud to take whatever name you chose, be it Rudenko or Smith. Because it would be your name." He smiled at her, slipping his arm off the couch and pulling her closer. Kissing her as tenderly as he could, he gently rubbed his thumb over her cheekbone. "Even if I change it to Humperdinck?" "Yeah, even though that's considered just cause for a divorce in some states." She leaned into his touch, smiling softly. "Nate, it doesn't matter to me what you call yourself, because I know who you are. The gentle, loving person underneath that tough talking exterior." "Tough talking? 'You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?'" he said, using his best DeNiro impersonation. Lindy shook her head, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, I'm talking to you, Mr. 'Don't call me cute!'" "Hmmph. I'm not cute. Or cuddly, or adorable, or any of those other adjectives. I'm macho and cool. Sophisticated. With a wry sense of humor and devastating good looks." "And modesty. Can't forget modesty." She grinned as he stuck out his tongue at her. "And maturity too." She leaned over and kissed him as he frowned. "Nate, if you decide to change your name, I'll follow your lead. Whatever you decide." Around 11 the next evening, Nate wandered down the hallway after Liam, following the curious toddler, and occasionally pulling him out of several offices. Although there weren't many employees left at such a late hour, those who were fawned over the boy as if he were the mascot of the warehouse. Considering that he was part animal, that idea wasn't far off. Eventually grabbing his son's hand, Nate steered him into Lindy's office, smiling as Liam immediately trotted over to say hello. "Your boy insisted we stop by for dinner. I hope Mexican sounds good." "Hey there!" Lindy put the fragile porcelain bowl she was studying into a drawer for safe keeping. She then crouched down to hug Liam and pull her up into her lap. "Mexican sounds really good. Pull up a chair, Nate. I can get some plates and silverware from the break room." "We might need to heat these up a bit," he said, placing the bag on her desk. "I got a little sidetracked on the way to your office. Liam was charming the ladies." Grinning, he settled down into the chair across from her and slumped a bit lazily. "So how's your day been, Lind? We got a new Sharper Image catalog in the mail. I marked a bunch of stuff I want to buy, but I thought I'd show it to you before I order. Of course, after all of the trouble of packing Liam up and getting here, I forgot the damned thing on the table." "Isn't that the way it always goes?" Still holding Liam, she stood up. "I'm due for a break anyway, so let's go eat in the break room. Liam can flirt all he wants there." Grabbing Nate's hand as she passed by, she lead him out of her office. "Did you want to say hi to Anton while you're here?" "Yes, actually," he said, wrapping his arm around her waist. "But I'm not sure if I should do it now or wait until after we eat." Stroking her side, he finally said, "I guess there's no point in waiting. Why don't you go ahead and get the food ready. If I'm not back in five or so minutes, go ahead and eat." "Okay..." She almost offered to go with him, but decided it would probably be best if she stayed behind and kept Liam busy. Squeezing his hand until he slipped away, she watched him make his way down to Anton's office. Taking a deep breath, Nate paused outside of his stepbrother's door. He really wasn't sure if this was such a good idea...or if it might be too soon. But the idea had been nagging him for more than a week, and wouldn't let go. [The worst he can do is say no,] he thought. [Or laugh.] Unfortunately that didn't make him feel any better. Glancing back one last time at the break room doorway, Nate decided to quit procrastinating and knocked on the closed door. "Just a minute," Anton called out. Frowning, he deleted the instant message he was typing to Bryn describing exactly what he intended to do to her after she was done with him, and told her that he'd have to sign off for a few minutes. Closing the program, he yelled out, "Come in." He had expected one of his employees, so he was a little surprised when he saw who was at the door. "Hello Nathaniel. What brings you by?" "I, uh, came to bring Lindy some dinner. I think we have plenty if you want to join us--but first, I wanted to talk to you about something." "What is it?" "Uh..." He pointed to one of the chairs before walking over and sitting down. For a moment he wondered why Anton looked a little flushed, but the question left his mind as quickly as it had come. "I--I don't know how to bring this up, really. I might sound kind of...well, I'll just say it I guess." He scratched his head, still managing to delay things a bit. "I've been thinking, and--I've talked to Lindy about this, so it's not out of the blue or anything--and it--" Nate sighed heavily, annoyed with himself. "You know I wasn't born with the name Adrik. Hell, I'm not even Russian, but that's not the point. You see, now that Liam's here, well, I've been thinking a lot more about family, and I've decided, or had the idea rather, that I'd like to feel closer to my family than I do now. And aside from Lindy and Liam, you're about the only family I've ever had." "Okay," Anton said. Their relationship, since his brother married Lindy, had headed on a slow, steady course. Neither of them really brought up the past, afraid of ripping old wounds open again. Anton was still feeling things out, and wondered where Nathaniel was going with this. He would like to feel closer to his brother as well, but didn't know exactly a safe way to go about doing it. Perhaps this was a chance. "What did you have in mind?" Nate wasn't sure he liked the way Anton was looking at him. He'd never been all that good in deciphering his brother's expressions. Except for pure hatred--he knew that one pretty well. "I...I'd like my family to have a real last name, not something I made up when I was feeling moody and self-deprecating. And I know it's not mine by right...or maybe even deservedly, but with your permission...I'd like to change my family's name to yours." He licked his dry lips. "To Rudenko." Anton was surprised. That was the last thing that he had expected. He scratched his head mostly to hide his confusion as he tried to figure out the best way to answer. "I...I'm not quite sure what to say, Nathaniel. If it's something you want to do, and Lindy has no objections, you have my permission." It was a way they could grow closer. "In fact, I would be very happy if you did." Nate stared at him for a moment, once again trying to read him. Finally, skeptically, he said, "Really? If you're just saying that to avoid some sort of confrontation, don't. It's not going to break my heart or anything if you say no. I'd just forget about it." "Really," Anton said. He got up from behind the desk and walked in front of it. Facing Nate, he leaned back against the desk, trying to keep things casual, even though it could quickly become a tense subject. "Nathaniel, if it's something you want to do, then do it." "Why do you think I was so hurt and angry when you pulled that coup? Because I wouldn't inherit the castle that was rightfully mine? Partially, but the larger part of my heartache was that I loved you like a brother. I may not have always shown it, but I felt it. And even after what happened, I still cared for you, even when I wanted to punish you. That was what hurt the most." "I know this...trust...between us is still fragile, Nathaniel. I am afraid that something I do or say might send us both back to the way we were before you married Lindy. And that's not a place I want to be again. I hope that you changing your surname will help prevent that." Nate hated the way Anton was able to make him feel like a little kid with just a few words...and at the same time he loved him immensely for it. His words were hushed and colored by emotion as he said, "Half the things I've ever done were an insane attempt to get your approval. To make you...love me. The stunts I pulled were incredibly stupid at times, but I figured some of your attention, even if it was anger, was better than none. When I came to that castle...Mother was lost to me, at least mentally. She forgot I was even there. You were the only one who noticed me. At times you practically raised me, albeit reluctantly. And I thought you were..." Staring at his hands, he swallowed heavily. "You were the closest thing I had to a father, let alone a brother. I just...wanted to say thank you. Nine hundred years too late." Anton choked up, not exactly sure how to say what he was feeling. "I'm sorry, Nathaniel. I'm sorry I wasn't better at showing you what you meant to me. I'm sorry you felt you had to go to such lengths to get my attention then." Giving into the impulse, he reached out and hugged his brother. "You're welcome, Nathaniel. I just wish I had done a better job to make things on easier on both of us." Nate hugged him back, briefly, patting him on the back as if they were long lost college buddies. He wasn't quite ready for anything more than that. Not yet. "Yeah, well, I think we all wish we'd done things differently." He couldn't help the slight smirk that came to his face. "Except Natasha. I doubt she's ever thought to regret a thing in her life." Anton retreated a comfortable distance against the desk. "Don't remind me. She wouldn't recognize guilt if it bit her on her ass." He sighed. "Lilith says that she will handle Natasha's punishment, but I don't trust her being capable to. She did lose track of Natasha, and we both know when she wants to go underground, she's impossible to find." Nodding, Nate was secretly relieved the conversation had shifted away from such emotional topics. "Lilith would like to believe she has her finger on the pulse of everything that happens between vampires, but she's about as secure in her position as a ship captain is before a mutiny. There are too many of us disappointed by her inability to control the troublemakers, and there are too many troublemakers period. Not to mention the fact that our councils are made up of elders trying to cope in a modern world, without having taken much effort to modernize themselves. I thought that might change once you were elected, but it's become obvious that one person doesn't have a whole lot of pull. There's poor communication within the local chapters, worse between the chapters countrywide, and the Grand Council is a joke. I think I'd rather put my trust in Yoda than those bozos. Something needs to be done before the whole thing collapses in upon itself...because I'll tell you one thing--if people like Natasha find a way to expose a crack in the foundation, mutiny will be inevitable. Our whole society will fall into a war of good versus evil." Anton nodded. This was something he thought about considerably, even before he met Bryn. "And that war will put us all at risk of discovery by humans. If we are warring among ourselves and discovered, that will be the end of it all. Humanity will never accept us, and if we are divided, they will make short work of us. I have tried to convince people of this before, with no success. Sometimes I think it would have been better if the Councils had never been convened." "Well, I agree...and disagree. I think it was a good idea at the time, but it's become antiquated and in need of a serious overhaul. Our councils are a bit like the Supreme Court of the United States. A bunch of old judges that have to appointed and approved by the leader--in this case, Lilith. I think it would be far wiser to give each council restrictions, to make their power limited to an advisory position. Then bring in random members of the chapter, to form a broad spectrum of opinions. A jury of our peers, so to speak. Let us vote on important issues." He rubbed his chin. "It's something worth thinking about, anyway." "Oh, we can think about it all we want. Actually implementing it, that's another issue entirely." Anton's computer beeped, and he leaned over to look at the screen. It was an email from Bryn, and judging from the subject line, he'd better open it when he was alone. Also there was a knock on his door. Lindy opened it and stuck her head inside the office. "Sorry to interrupt, but lunch is ready, Nate. In fact, if you want to eat, you'd better come and fight off half the office. They claim they can smell the tamales downstairs." Nate smiled at her and started heading towards the door. Glancing over his shoulder, he paused. "You coming with us? We should have plenty...if we get there in time." Deciding the email could wait, Anton nodded and stood up straight. "I think I will. Thank you." It was a little later than usual by the time he had finished his work and read his e-mails (including a racy one from Bryn) but Anton didn't feel more tired than the norm. he was looking forward to going home and spending quiet time with his wife and son. Although those hopes disappeared when he pulled into the garage and realized he could hear Max howling. Wondering what could be the cause, he walked into the house. "Bryn?" She didn't answer him, but Petunia appeared and trotted over to him, pacing about nervously. Tossing his keys onto the table in the hallway, Anton followed the dog toward the stairs and up to the second floor. Petunia stopped outside of Max's room, shifting from foot to foot. Walking past her, Anton found Bryn and Max in the rocking chair, both of them crying, Bryn with her shirt hanging open. She was holding a folded burping cloth to her chest, which wasn't completely abnormal--she often needed to stop her milk from flowing. This time something was different. "What happened?" he asked, kneeling down in front of her. Crying more out of frustration than anything else, Bryn spoke up to be heard over Max's wails. "He bit me...and I swatted him. Not very hard--especially considering how much that hurt," she sniffed. "But he hasn't stopped crying since. I don't know if I hurt him, or just hurt his feelings." "He's probably just got a bad case of hurt feelings." Anton scooted a little closer, letting her lean against him. "Come here, let me have a look at you," he said, not certain if he was intending that to Max or Bryn. While the baby didn't exactly stop crying when in his father's arms, he did quiet down some. "Can I take a look at the bite, Bryn?" he asked, reaching with his free hand for the nursing pad. At her nod he cautiously lifted it. "I don't think you'll need stitches, maybe should put something antiseptic on it," he said, lowering the pad back into place. "Maybe we should completely wean him now, especially if he's biting you." He bounced Max in his arms, trying to comfort him. She nodded, pressing her elbow to her thigh and bracing her forehead against her hand. Now that Max was out of her arms, she started to cry more earnestly, curling in on herself as if to protect the wound. She shied away from Anton when he tried to pull her closer, and winced as she accidentally jarred her makeshift bandage. Finally pushing herself out of the chair, she walked past him and into their bedroom, heading for the master bathroom. She couldn't really explain how she felt. Hurt, of course, but also guilty and ashamed. And maybe a bit resentful every time that piercing pain came back. She reached into the medicine cabinet for some antiseptic ointment, dismayed to see the wounds still seeping when she dropped the burping cloth on to the counter. Finally shushing Max, Anton took his son to his room and put the sleepy baby in his crib and turned on the monitor. Then he went to the master bathroom to check on his wife. She looked even more upset than Max had. Taking the tube of ointment from her, he squeezed some on his fingers and began to gently rub it on the puncture marks above her areola. "Shhh..." he soothed. "It's okay. It's going to be fine." She shook her head. "I feel so awful. He's just this innocent little baby, and he only did that because he was so hungry...and I...I hit him." Bryn let out a sob, her face scrunching up. "My God, if I'm like this now, what will I be like when he's older? I'm turning into my mother, and I hated her, because she would slap me so hard...it hurt more than my feelings. I thought she hated me." Grabbing gauze from the cabinet, Anton bandaged the bite marks. "Bryn, you weren't thinking. You were reacting to pain in a very sensitive place. You are not becoming your mother." Pulling her close, he started to rock her. "It was an instinct to make the pain stop, and I think there's no lasting damage done. And next time he bites you unexpectedly, I know you'll find another way to make him stop." He kissed her forehead. "I'm sure he think you hate him, Bryn. I'm sure he knows you love him." "He wouldn't stop crying. I tried to feed him, but he wouldn't...he wouldn't nurse anymore, or drink from my finger." She sucked in a shuddering breath, trying to calm down as he held her. Part of her was shocked that he wasn't angry with her. She could've hurt their child, and it made her feel sick. "I want to go lay down." "Okay." He helped her back to the bedroom, and turned down the sheets on the bed for her. "I think he wouldn't feed or nurse because he was surprised, Bryn. I think he was shocked, nothing more." He waited until she lay down and tucked the sheets around her. "I know you, Bryn. I know you're sick about slapping him, and I know you'll be on your guard against it ever happening again. And if it does, we'll get help and deal with it." She sniffled, breathing through her mouth. Reaching for his hand, her lips trembled as she said, "I know I'm probably not your favorite person right now, but...would you hold me, please?" She whimpered, wiping fiercely at her leaking eyes. "I really need to know that you're not furious with me...'cause I'm so sorry. I never would've wanted to do that." "I know, my dear." Anton kicked off his shoes and slipped into the other side of bed, clothing and all. He pulled Bryn against him, cradling her head against his chest. "I'm not furious with you, my dear, but I am concerned." He gently started stroking her back. "Can you tell me exactly what happened? How you hit him?" Breath catching, she tightened her arms around him. She didn't want to think about it anymore. Some of the things her mother taught her would always stick...but not this one. If she had to cut off her own hands, she would never strike her child again. She just hoped that sweet little boy forgave her. "Like this," she whispered, her voice gravelly, as she swatted him on the butt. "I spanked him. I--I think I only hit the diaper...but it was so loud and he..." Her hands shook as she fisted them in the blankets. "He started crying and it was the worst sound in the world." It wasn't a particularly sharp slap. "You probably scared him more than anything, Bryn." He time he had been raised in, a parent wouldn't have thought twice about delivering a much harder blow to the face. Managing to calm down, she wiped her cheek on the back of her hand. She continued to sniffle until he reached over her for a tissue so she could blow her nose. After a minute or two of silence, she finally said, "You should give him a bottle...he didn't get a chance to eat yet." He thought for a moment before answering. "No, I think you should give him a bottle." Anton continued stroking her hair. "You did nothing wrong, Bryn. You only swatted him once, and we've probably swatted Petunia harder with a rolled up newspaper. You didn't hurt him, and probably didn't leave a mark." "But I don't want you avoiding him because you're afraid you'll lose your temper, Bryn. I've seen you with Max. You are the gentlest person I have ever met. The fact that you feel so horrible about what happened means that you'll constantly be on guard against hurting him, intentionally or unintentionally." She hugged him tighter, wishing she could always see things through his eyes. He always made everything seem okay, as if there wasn't a thing that could go wrong. He was the only person she would stand next to at the end of the world. "What if he doesn't want me to hold him? He didn't want me to, earlier." "We won't know until we try, my dear." He gently continued stroking her, and lightly pressed a kiss to her hair. "You were upset, and that probably made him more so. He's calmed down now, so let me go get him. Do you want to make his bottle up?" She nodded, sitting up carefully. She hadn't fastened her bra together, and let her shirt slide down her arms to take it off. Hopefully, if she stuck to lightweight shirts, the wound would heal in no time. Still, it hurt when she moved...and she would need to use the pump soon. She was sore from the weight of her milk. Pulling her shirt back into place, she buttoned it. "I was going to make something for dinner, but I think it might take too long to cook, now. I think we might have some frozen chicken nuggets and french fries. Does that sound okay?" "It sounds fine, my dear." He sat up as well and then slipped out of bed. "I'll go get Max." Anton kissed Bryn one more time. "You're okay, my dear. It will all be fine." Giving her a hug, he walked out the bathroom and to the baby's room. Once there, Anton picked up Max. The baby made a slight protesting cry. "Hush, Max. Let me check your diaper." He carried his son to the changing table and unfastened his diaper. Anton made a face. "Looks like you need a fresh one." As Anton changed him, he carried on his one-sided conversation. "Now you know better than to bite your mother. Especially in such a tender spot. So let's make a deal. You stop biting her, and you can chew on me all you want." Max made a cooing noise, kicking his legs. "Okay, you're all done, so let's go see Mommy." Gathering up the baby, Anton started heading downstairs. Still sitting on the bed, Bryn took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She wanted so much to go down and grab Max, to hold him in her arms and squeeze him close. He was her sweet pea, and she couldn't imagine life without him. But if he pulled away in fear... She pushed the thought aside, refusing to even acknowledge it as a possibility. Getting up, she walked downstairs and patted Petunia in the foyer. The dog wagged its tail excitedly, happy that the tears had passed. Bryn opened the door and let her outside for a while. She found Anton and Max in the living room, and tried to give them a smile. Although shaky, she managed and walked into the kitchen to mix up a bottle. Rounding the corner with Max in her arms, he watched as Bryn prepared Max's bottle. The boy watched his mother with wide eyes. When Anton stepped into the room, the baby started to lean. Not towards Anton, but away from him, towards his mother. Anton smiled tenderly. "Look who wants to see you, my dear." She looked over at them, strangely peaceful, and held out her arms to Max. He leaned forward, raising his own arms, until she plucked him up and held him close. Eyes slightly misty, she cupped the back of his head and kissed his face repeatedly. "I'm so sorry, sweet pea. I didn't mean it. I love you so much. So very much. I won't let anything happen to you, ever again." Anton smiled and guided the pair over to a chair. He grabbed the bottle and handed it to Bryn. "Why don't you do the honors?" He preheated the oven for their dinner and then took a chair. Deciding they could use some good news, he started to speak. "Nathaniel stopped by work today. Supposedly to see Lindy, but I think he really wanted to speak to me." Settling Max down in the cradle of her arm, careful not to jar him unexpectedly, she held the bottle nipple to his mouth and watched as he latched on. Her chest wasn't bothering her, even though he was pressed tightly against her. As long as he was okay, nothing could bother her. Looking up at Anton, she smiled. He looked very happy for her, and she loved him for that. "What did Nate want to see you for?" "Actually, he wanted to ask me something. That's why I signed off so abruptly this evening." Anton hadn't thought about consulting Bryn before telling Nathaniel to go ahead. "He wants to change his surname. 'Adrik' was a name he took after driving me from the castle. It means dark, something fitting then, but not so much now. He'd like to change it back to Rudenko." "Back to Rudenko?" She hadn't ever considered the fact that his name had been Rudenko in the past. Nathaniel Rudenko. It had a nice sound to it, but for some reason she was a little disturbed. She had always thought Max would be the one to carry on the family name...not Liam. And then there was Lindy. Lindy Rudenko. That was a name she'd never wanted to hear. Although Bryn's jealousy had nearly diminished in recent months, her selfishness was still stubbornly sticking around. She wouldn't be the only Mrs. Rudenko anymore, and she wasn't so sure she liked that. Trying to keep her opinion tamped down, she said, "What do you think about that?" "I think it's a good idea, a big step forward for him. I know there are a lot of nay sayers out there, thinking that the old feuds between the two of us are under the surface and ready to erupt. I think this will convince them, as well as us, that it won't happen." Anton paused for a moment. "And on a more personal level, I'm glad that he wants to be family again." She could see the happiness--the hope--on his face. He practically beaming with the possibilities and implications. Finally, he'd have a real brother. Not just a step-sibling or a rival. She could only hope things turned out as well as he expected. Smiling at him, she said, "If you're happy, I'm happy for you. And I think you're right, this will change things a lot. When is he going to do it?" "You know, I didn't ask him. It was hard enough for him to ask, and I didn't want to push." He looked at Max, who was starting to push away the bottle, an indication he was full. "Do you want to give Max to me so he can feed, my dear?" Although a bit reluctant to let him go, Bryn nodded. "If you come sit by me." She scooted over a bit and slipped Max on to her shoulder to burp him first before handing him over. She leaned a bit against Anton as she placed Max into his arms, then settled her head on his shoulder. Her hand lightly squeezed his thigh, and she let out a soft sigh. "Thank you, Anton. For making me feel better. You always do, but this time especially." Anton winced as Max bit down on the offered finger. He wished he had a third arm he could put around her, but he had to settle for leaning against her. "You're welcome, my dear. I'm glad that you are feeling better." He turned his head so he could kiss her temple. "I love you so much, Bryn." "I love you so much, too." She stretched up to kiss his mouth, lingering a while. The buzzer in the kitchen sounded, telling her the oven had reached it's temperature. She patted his thigh. "I'm going to go start dinner. Do you want something to drink, sugar?" "Just a glass of water would be fine, my dear." Holding Max, feeling the baby suck on his finger, he watched as Bryn moved confidently around the kitchen, making dinner for them. And something about that confidence he found quite alluring. Anton found himself wanting to restart the instant message conversation that had been interrupted when Nathaniel had paid a call. In other words, everything was back to normal. End Chapter One Hundred Six <- Previous Chapter | Home | Next Chapter ->