Chapter Fifty-six

He came home hours later.

He hadn't just been out feeding, he'd also been thinking. Nate set his keys down on the table just inside the door, and tossed his jacket onto the back of the couch. From where he stood, he could see Lindy standing outside, staring up at the sky and looking quite lost. He was fairly certain he knew the reason why.

He'd come home late because, unbeknownst to Lindy, he'd stopped by her parents' home. He told them he and Lindy would be going away for a few days, to sort out the problems that had arisen since Lindy was Transformed. Now the only question was where to go.

Quietly stepping into the kitchen, he grabbed the wine bottle they'd opened several nights ago, pried the cork loose, and poured them both a small glass. Then, walking out to the patio, he casually wrapped an arm around her from behind, pulled her close, and kissed her on the neck.

"Hi, gorgeous."

"Hey, Nate." She leaned backed against him, both grateful and oddly upset that he was home. If he weren't around, she wouldn't have to see the disappointment in his eyes. She had been thinking about how she didn't seem able to hunt yet, and staring up at the moon. She accepted the glass of wine from him, and took a small sip. "How'd it go?"

"How'd what go? Hunting?" He shrugged, belatedly realizing she couldn't see him. "It went fine. The usual deal. Sorry it took so long. I meant to be home earlier." He kissed her neck again, then her jaw, then her ear. "Did you want me to start dinner?"

"Sure," Lindy said. She walked back with him to the kitchen, and watched as Nate preheated the oven. "Nathaniel," she said softly, waiting for him to turn back to look at her. She took a small sip of the wine to bolster her courage. This was a question she had been thinking about for most of the night. "You'd tell me if you were disappointed in me, right?"

He stared at her for a moment. "Yes, I would. Is that what's bothering you, you think I'm disappointed in you?" She nodded, her gaze downcast. "Why would you think that?"

She couldn't quite look at him. "Because I didn't go hunting with you tonight. Because I copped out and fed on the blood stashed in the refrigerator. I...I can't help but feel that I've...let you down somehow."

He kept watching her, even as he pulled the steaks out of the refrigerator.

Setting the T-bones on the counter, he leaned across the island and tilted her head up to meet his gaze. "Lind, I've already told you...I would break into blood banks for the rest of eternity if that was the only way you were comfortable feeding.

"Now, I'll admit I was a little disappointed that you didn't come with me tonight, but that's only because I like having you with me. I wouldn't have cared if you'd hunted or not. It doesn't matter where you feed from, just so long as you do so. I'm not going to watch you get sick."

"But you're not disappointed that I didn't feed with you?" She sighed, not pulling away from his touch, but not leaning into it either. "Some vampire I am."

He walked around the counter and pulled her close, cradling her head against his chest. He kissed her hair. "No, I'm not disappointed. I've been there before, Lind. I know firsthand how hard it is to feed after the first time. If I could've, I would've taken my own life before killing someone else. But we didn't have blood banks, and we didn't have a whole lot of livestock in Novgorod, either. So, after starving for a while, I had to force myself to feed. And it was horrible. And it continued to be horrible for almost three more years.

"So am I disappointed that you didn't want to go through that? Hell, no. And I'd do anything to keep you from resenting what you've become, Lindy. I only ever want you to be happy. And if you're not happy hunting, then there's no way in hell I'd make you do it."

She leaned against him, not quite sobbing, yet. "I don't know what's wrong with me, Nate. I thought I'd be adapting better, but I'm not. And I don't blame you for Transforming me when you did. I'm just...I don't know. I had no problem with what I did as a werewolf. So why am I having problems as a vampire?"

Crouching slightly, he picked her up off the stool and carried her into the living room, past Liam's play crib, and settled on the couch with her on his lap. Holding her close, he rubbed his hand over her back as he spoke.

"You've lost a lot of the senses you used to use as a werewolf, Lindy. You don't smell as well, you don't hear as well...and I know it has to be almost impossible to tell if people are telling you the truth or not, now. The reason you didn't have a problem with killing then was because you knew the men you attacked were bad people. Now you take the chance of killing someone completely innocent, and that's a lot harder to handle."

She shivered, leaning against him, craving reassurance. "But this is normal right? Almost everyone has these problems, or at least the ones with a conscience do?" Somehow, she couldn't see Natasha even quibbling over the morality of feeding.

"Yes, it's completely normal." He squeezed her tight against him, kissing her forehead. "Lind, if you were doing something abnormal, I'd tell you, because I'd be worried about you. But I'm not worried now. You have to go at your pace. Don't push yourself into something you aren't ready for. There are a lot of other ways for you to feed."

She sighed and leaned against him, tucking her head under his chin. "I am so scared, Nate. I didn't even stop to think about how I'm going to do my job now. I can't assess anything by smell any more. I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it or not."

"We'll deal with that if and when it comes up, all right?" He brushed her hair back from her face. "Look, it's not like we need the money. I know you did when you started the job, but we don't need it now. If you're worried because you really like what you do, then you'll find a way to do it. It won't be exactly the same as it was before, but you'll deal with it. Don't worry about it."

"Easy to say, Nate. Not so easy to do. I didn't realize how much of my identity was wrapped up in me being a werewolf. And learning that I was your lover in a past life, well, that's got my head turned a bit." She pulled her head away so she could look at him in the eye. "I just feel so adrift, like I'm not exactly sure who I am any more."

He spoke softly, almost inaudibly. "You're a daughter, a sister, a mother, a wife...a friend. A hard worker. A woman, a lover. You've always been those things, no matter what form your body took. The things you're talking about, they're physical. Deep down, you're still the same person. As much as some people would like to, it's not easy to escape who you are."

She gently rubbed the back of her fingers across his cheek. "I think I'm still trying to adjust to everything. I mean, it's just barely been six months, and here we are, married, have a son, a new home, I'm Transformed...it's all just a bit much to handle all at once. But would I change any of it? No." She lightly kissed his jaw. "Not one thing, Nathaniel."

"Yeah, well, I would. If I'd been smart enough to stop myself, I would've waited to Transform you. Not until Halloween, or even next year. I would've waited a couple of years. At least until you got to understand me better. To understand what you were getting into." He moved her off his lap, and then stood up, heading towards the kitchen. "Dinner's never going to get finished if I don't put it in the oven."

"Nate, wait." She reached out and caught his hand before he could step out of reach. "This is something I'm going through. I'd be doing this if we had waited another day, another month, another year, another ten years. It's not your fault, and I don't want you blaming yourself for my problems."

He exhaled from his nose, his nostrils flaring slightly. "I do blame myself. You didn't ask for this, and you certainly didn't give your consent. I took the choice away from you. And you weren't ready. I don't know if you'd ever be ready for this. I don't know why I was so selfish to think that you could handle a lifestyle that I hate myself."

"Nate, did I say no? Did I run away after you Transformed me?" She stood and walked in front of him. "Maybe I'd never be ready, but were you ready when you were Transformed? Can anybody really be said to be ready? I went into this with my eyes wide open, Nate. Maybe I didn't exactly know what I was getting into, but I knew what would be happening."

He sighed. "I don't know what to think. I...I think we need to just let the issue go for a while. Let's just have a nice dinner, and not think about vampirism or anything else. Okay?"

"Okay," she said. Still holding his hand, she walked to the kitchen with him. "Maybe that's part of my problem. Maybe I'm over thinking things." She looked at him with one corner of her mouth curled. "You understand what I mean?"

"Yeah, I think I do." He pulled her close and pressed his lips to hers, kissing her softly. "So don't over think this one--baked potatoes or red beans and rice?"

Lindy scrunched up her face. "Hmmmm...let's go with the baked potatoes." She gave him a grin before kissing him. "That wasn't so angst filled."

"All right, smarty pants. Here's some angst for ya--you get to get them ready for the oven." He grinned. "And I'm assuming you like your steak rare."

She grinned back at him, reaching for the potatoes. "The rarer, the better."

He stepped quietly into the stables, noticing that the horses were outside. He'd already checked their house and Bryn had told him that Anton was outside, so Nate knew already that something unusual was going on. But as he stepped closer, only able to see Anton head and shoulders as he worked on something in his lap, Nate couldn't help but raise an eyebrow.

"You aren't frantically masturbating out of frustration, are you? Because if you are, I'll just leave you alone."

"Very funny, Nathaniel." Anton put down the knife and held up the ten-inch blunt stake for Nate's inspection. "You're lucky I don't use this on you."

Nate frowned at the stake. "Is that what I think it is?"

"Yes. I told Bryn I'd make her one. I don't think she thought I was serious." He put down the stake. "So what brings you around here? Planning on going for a late night ride alone?"

"They're your horses, man." He leaned against the wall, his movement allowing more light to fall on Anton. "What is that around your neck?"

"It's a cross."

Nate squinted, staring at it. "What the hell's wrong with you? Whittling stakes and wearing crosses? Come back out of the closet, Anton. Embrace your inner vampire. This isn't you...I think your wife has been watching too much Buffy."

Anton snorted. "It's a gift from Bryn," he said, picking up the knife and notching away a little more wood. "Don't tell me you wouldn't wear a strand of garlic if Lindy gave it to you." Not watching what he was doing he accidentally sliced his thumb. "Ouch!" He lifted his bleeding hand to his mouth, eyes flaming as he tasted his own blood. After a few seconds, he pulled his thumb out of his mouth as soon as it healed. "So why are you out here instead of in bed with Lindy?"

"I thought it would be more fun to watch you hack pieces out of your thumb." He crossed his arms. "So that's the only reason you're wearing it? Because she gave it to you?"

"That's part of it, yes. But not the only reason. But it's a reminder that there is such a thing as fate, that there may be someone guiding our actions, even when it seems the most senseless. " He stuck the knife up to its blade in a bale of hay and looked at his brother. "Did you know that Zenobia hypnotized Bryn, and she started talking about her past lives? Every one of those past lives was one of my wives, with the exception of one, who was my mother. Don't tell me that that was coincidence that her soul kept finding me."

Nate shook his head. "No, I don't think it was. Neither was Lindy finding me again. Which...is sort of what I wanted to talk to you about." He let out a sigh. "I think you should talk to Lindy. She's having a lot of problems with the Transformation, and although I've tried to reassure her, I'm not all that convinced that she believes me. I think I Transformed her way too fast, and now there's nothing I can do about it."

"Found you again?" Anton looked at him, disbelief written over his face. "As in she was reincarnated?" He thought for a moment. "Lindara?"

"You didn't know that already? That's why I Transformed her, Anton. That night, she was hypnotized to help her deal with her past abuse...but she went further into the past than she was supposed to. She told me about children she'd had. *My* children, that I never knew about. I used to look at you and Bryn, and wonder what it felt like to be a biological father. But I had no idea I already was."

"Your children?" he said in shock. "I...she told me she was pregnant, but I never even thought that they were your children." He gestured to the hay bale across from him. "Do you know what happened to them?"

Nate stared at him, fighting the urge to sock him in the face. [If you knew, why the hell didn't you say anything?] He knew the answer, though. Anton wouldn't have said a word to him. He'd hated him at the time. And for nearly a millennium later. Sighing heavily, he sank down onto a hay bale, leaning his back against the wall, and propped his arm up on his bent knee.

"No, I don't know what happened to them. Lindy seems to think we're going to find their descendants, but it may take us the rest of eternity."

"If there's some way I can help you, please, let me know." Anton also leaned back against the wall. "You said that you Transformed Lindy because she was Lindara, but she's having a hard time handling it. What exactly is wrong with her?"

Nate stared down at his hand, not altogether comfortable opening up to Anton about this. "She thinks she's lost her identity. She doesn't want to feed, because of the killing...but I don't really think she's going to get over it anytime soon. Maybe it's just the normal reaction, who knows. And she's very upset that she won't be able to do her job anymore, because all of her senses have changed." He shook his head, sniffing. "I don't want her to resent me for the mistake I made."

"What she's going through, from what I've heard, is very normal. At least, I went though it as well. And as for her job, we can change her duties around." He leaned forward. "But I don't think she'll resent you, Nathaniel. You and she had discussed it before, so it wasn't a complete surprise. Maybe you should have waited, maybe you shouldn't have. You have no control over that now, so the best thing is to go forward."

"I just think she needs to talk to you." He ran his fingers through his hair. "I think we're going to go away for the weekend, just the two of us, to work through some of this stuff. But you should talk to her before we go."

"Of course I will. Probably the sooner the better." He leaned back against the wall. "So where are you taking her? I'm assuming her parents will be watching Liam while you're gone?"

"Yeah, they will be."

He stared at his stepbrother for a moment, wondering if Anton had any clue how hard it had been for him to ask that question--if he'd talk to Lindy. She had known Anton longer, had been his friend longer. And it killed him to think she might trust Anton more, might take his comforting to heart. But if that was the only thing that would calm her fears and frustration, he was willing to suffer through it. He'd do anything for her.

"I don't know where we're going," he heard himself saying, hollowly. "Maybe Napa Valley."

Anton nodded. "I know of a place or two I can recommend if you don't have anywhere specific in mind. Have you heard of the Harvest Inn in St. Helena? I think the two of you would enjoy it." He hesitated for a moment. It felt awkward to talk to Nathaniel about his relationship with Lindy. Even though they were now becoming friends and acting like brothers, sometimes it was hard to be truly vulnerable. Old habits were fighting hard to make themselves heard. "Listen, Lindy's my friend, so I'll talk to her if she needs it, but she's your wife, so I think what you'll say will have a greater effect."

Nate stared out at the night sky, his gaze distant. "I'd like to think that's true. I can't tell if I'm helping or hindering." He turned his attention back to Anton. "How do you know about this place in St. Helena? Have you been there?"

"I had a business meeting once out there with some people who were interested in buying out the warehouse. It struck me as a romantic place to spend a weekend." He took a breath locking his eyes on the younger vampire's. "Nathaniel, she's strong, and she loves you. What she's going through is something I went through myself, and from what I heard is something normal for most of the newly Transformed. She won't become resentful of you because you Transformed her early, because she had said that she was willing to be. She gave her consent." His next words were an after thought voiced under his breath. "Unlike us."

"Unlike us? You didn't consent?"

"No," Anton replied, becoming very still. "Mother, Lady Katerina, had died about a month before. Father and I were grieving hard still, but I think I was taking it harder. In a fit of despondency, I went back to my chambers and slit my wrists." He sighed. "I had grown up with vampires all my life, but I never had the desire to be Transformed myself. But Ivan found me before I had completely bled out and he Transformed me. He told me he wasn't willing to lose his son so close after losing his wife. And I resented him for it for a human lifetime.

"I ran away after the first time I fed. There's no other way to put it. I went to the Monastery of the Caves in Kiev, and stayed there, living the life of a monk. I still fed, but only on the dying that came seeking miracles and prayer. My only solace was that I was ending their suffering. Father knew where I was the whole time, and allowed me to take the time I needed to adjust. The Head Abbot knew what I was, but as long as I behaved and didn't take the lives of anyone but the dying, I would be sheltered. And then Father met Lady Gisele and asked me to come home. I decided that maybe it would be in everyone's best interests if I did so." He took another deep breath. "And the rest you know."

Nate could only stare at him, bewildered. "I didn't know that. I always assumed you asked to be Transformed, that you wanted to live this way. I thought that was why you seemed to be so...confident, I guess. I didn't understand. I'm sorry."

"That's okay, Nathaniel. I had no choice but to adapt. I thought about committing suicide again, but I just couldn't do it after I was Transformed. And I had been Transformed for almost 70 years when we met, and I was just becoming at peace with being a vampire."

Nate nodded, his gaze distant again. Then he smirked, and met Anton's eyes once more. "Do you find it at all ironic that the woman you almost killed yourself for is now the one you've chosen to spend eternity with?"

"I hadn't thought of it that way, Nathaniel." Anton smiled a bit, shaking his head. "But getting back to Lindy, I'll talk to her if you like. She can take all the time off she needs right now, so stay up in Napa longer if you think it will do her some good. She'll be fine, Nathaniel. I'd be more worried if she weren't having this reaction."

Standing up, Nate nodded. "I think she should talk to you, if only to reassure her- -to give her a second opinion so to speak. I'll go check out the Harvest Inn and try to make reservations." Before he turned to go, he offered Anton his hand. "Thanks."

Anton stood and took his hand. "You're welcome." Then impulsively, he gave Nate a one armed hug. "She'll be fine. And in three years, you can give me the same speech when I've Transformed Bryn."

Nate grinned, hugged him back, and then stepped away to head out of the stall. "I'll see you later." He began walking back to the entrance of the stables, and called out as he walked, "You'd better get back to your wife, Anton. Before she begins to think you're out here frantically masturbating."

He spent another half hour working on the stake and then made sure the horses were settled for the day before heading over to Lindy's parent's home. Anton had been knocking on the front door for almost five minutes. He knew they were there, because he had just gotten off the phone with Amanda a few minutes earlier. He was about to walk away when the front door opened. "Hi, Jess." He eyed her up and down, noticing that her clothing was in disarray, and she was sweating and panting lightly. "Ah, am I interrupting something?"

She straightened her T-shirt, pulling it down slightly. "No. Alex, Walter and I are practicing self defense moves in the basement. What brings you by, Anton?"

Anton held up the jacket he had been carrying. "Amanda left this at our place after her lesson with Bryn tonight. I thought she might need it." He switched gears. "What kind of self defense are you studying?"

Jess shook her head with a laugh. "I wouldn't call it studying. I'd call it throwing each other around. Wanna come watch for a few minutes? I'm sure you could teach us a thing or two."

"Sure." He followed the werewolf into her house, and down the stairs into the large basement. Half of it, as well as the supporting pillars had been padded with gym mats. A punching bag, treadmill, and weight set were set up alongside one wall. Alex and Walter were circling and feinting around each other. "Gee guys, thanks for waiting for me," Jess said.

"You were taking too long," Alex said. He ducked a punch thrown by Walter, countered with a smooth move that pinned the older man against the wall.

Arm twisted around his back, Skinner couldn't move. "Little help, Jess?"

Jess grinned. "Don't worry. I'll hold him down for you to torment later tonight." She glanced at Anton, who was frowning at the pair. "Something wrong, Anton?"

Anton shook his head. He hadn't seen the exact move the werewolf had used. "Alex, how did you do that?"

Stepping back from Skinner, Alex gestured towards himself. "Attack me and I'll show you."

A bit sheepishly, Anton stepped onto the mat. He wasn't certain how a werewolf's strength would match to a vampire's, and he didn't want to accidentally hurt him. Lunging suddenly, he led with a right hook towards Alex...

...And found himself pinned against the wall exactly as Skinner had been. Experimentally, he moved the arm Alex had twisted behind his back, only to find himself shoved harder against the wall. He started shaking. "You see the beauty of this move," Alex said, playing the teacher and thinking that the trembling was a ruse for the vampire to work his way loose, "is that I can hold you here using your own weight. And if I still can't control you, I can exert extra pressure by leaning against you. Like this."

When Alex pressed his full weigh against Anton, the vampire lost control. Neither Jess nor Walter had time to call out a warning as they saw Anton's eyes flame and his fangs extend. With a roar, Anton turned and threw Alex across the room. The werewolf hit the opposite wall with a sickening thud. Alex slid to the floor, unconscious.

Walter and Jess stared at Anton in shock. Anton himself looked at Alex, horrified. "What the hell was that about?" Walter growled at him as Jess, one eye on Anton moved towards Alex.

"I...I'm sorry," Anton said, moving backwards out of the door. He noted with some relief that Alex had begun to stir, and Jess was helping him sit up. "I'm sorry...I didn't mean to..." Unable to say more, he ran out of the basement, up the stairs, and out the front door, leaving the werewolves to look at each other in bewilderment.

Shaken by what he had done, Anton waited outside for another half hour, trying to calm back down. When he did go into his home, he found Bryn in the kitchen. He leaned against the doorjamb, a small grin on his face, as she was busy raiding the refrigerator, bouncing in front of it.

She hummed along to whatever tune was running through her head, pulling out a carton of chocolate pudding and placing it on the counter next to her. "To be around you is a-a-all right, you're sheer perfection." Her voice suddenly became girlier. "Thank you." She grabbed the Cool Whip as well, her voice returning to normal. "You drive me crazy, drive me all night, just don't break up the connection. I don't care where we go, I don't care what we do." She swiveled her hips, hanging on to the refrigerator door as she dipped down and came back up again. "I don't care pretty baby--"

She'd spun around to face him, and let out a nervous snicker as she finished, "Just take me with you."

He gave her a warm smile, trying to push the attack out of his mind. "And