Chapter Eighty-four He would later realize that he was lucky he'd insisted the tunnels be connected to the stables. The dawn was just breaking as he rode back to the large white building, and he knew he'd stayed out too long. With everything going on in his head, he hadn't even noticed the skies lighting up around him. Lindy's horse was winded and sweaty, but he didn't have enough time to give the animal a proper cool down. Instead, he hopped off the mare's back as soon as he reached the barn, rubbed her down briskly, and released her to the pasture. He tossed the bridle on the floor, and dashed towards the tunnel entrance, the sun fast on his feet, just closing the heavy door in time to avoid a serious scalding. If Lindy wasn't already furious with him, and worried out of her mind, she surely would be now. Nate jogged down the long tunnels, even though he was so weary he wanted to lie down. By the time he reached the wine cellar, he was beginning to worry himself. [She's going to want to kill me. And maybe I deserve that.] He knew he shouldn't have left the way he did. He only hoped he'd made enough sense of things to be able to explain. Sitting upstairs in Liam's bedroom, she rocked her son back and forth in the rocking chair. She had sent her mother home half an hour ago, and her fathers fifteen minutes ago. Holding a sleeping Liam to her tight, she looked up at the ceiling, stifling a sob. The sun was up now, and he had either found shelter or... Biting her lip, she stood up and put Liam in his crib. [You didn't find him after 900 years to lose him now,] she thought. [He wouldn't be so self-destructive as to...] She cut off that sentence abruptly, because she knew that if he were pushed hard enough, he would. [Damn it! Where are you Nate?] Deciding she needed to indulge in some angry and agitated pacing, she quietly walked out of Liam's bedroom and started down the stairs. Nate yawned, rubbing the back of his neck as he trudged up the stairs from the wine cellar. All he wanted to do was sleep, but he knew he wouldn't be doing any of that anytime soon. Pushing open the door, he headed into the kitchen to wash his hands. That was where he was standing when Lindy walked in the room behind him. She stared at him for a moment, emotions racing through her. She wanted to turn around and walk away, angry at him. She wanted to scream at him for putting her through hell. She wanted to slap him and ask him how the hell he could be so arrogantly stubborn. But what she did was walk up behind him and put her arms around him, whimpering slightly. He let out a soft sigh and shut off the faucet. After quickly drying his hands on his pants, he turned around in her embrace and wrapped his arms around her as well. The situation wasn't her fault, and he was ashamed of himself for acting like it was. Resting his chin on top of her head, he held her close, remaining silent, savoring the moment. This was what he loved about Lindy--comfortable moments where he could just hold her, love her, and know he was loved in return. No matter what. She continued to hold him tightly, pressing herself harder against him. She took in a shuddering breath, not trusting herself to speak just yet. He was warm and solid and real in her arms, not singed by the sun. She was crying again, and she couldn't stop the tears as they soaked into his shirt. After a few minutes she did speak. "You might want to avoid my parents for a little bit. I think they'd kill you if you weren't already dead." He nodded, stroking his hand over her hair. Pressing his lips to her forehead. Not entirely sure how to broach the subject of their fight, he decided he'd start by making them more comfortable. Slipping an arm under her legs, he lifted her up effortlessly and carefully carried her into the living room. There, he settled down on the couch, adjusted the pillows, then stretched out lying down with Lindy on top of him. Keeping her close, clutching her to him, he gently rubbed her back. "I'm sorry, Lindy," he said, quietly, his voice barely a whisper. She nodded, shivering. Reaching behind her, she grabbed the knitted afghan and pulled it down over their bodies. "I'm sorry too, Nate," she whispered, her cheek pressed against his chest. Her fingers stroked his collarbone. She let out another sigh. She was so tired, and could easily fall asleep like this. But she forced herself to keep awake. "Where did you go?" He swallowed, rubbing his lightly stubbled cheek against her hair line. "I don't know, really. I just rode east for a while. I found it fascinating that we have all of this property and I've never even explored it. So I galloped away from the houses, then after a while I just let the horse walk. I kind of forgot about the pasture then, and just rode...and thought." He lightly massaged the back of her neck for a moment. "It was lucky we left the fire burning. I'm not sure I would've found my way back otherwise." She nodded. "I held Liam and thought a lot too. And I think I remembered something from when I was Lindara. Or at least I think I did." She paused, not certain the best way to tell him. "I watched you ride off, and I got this sickening feeling that I had seen this before. That we had done it before." She shivered, not wanting to say that she was afraid that he would come back hurt or worse. Nate kissed her forehead. "I shouldn't have run off like that. It was a stupid thing to do." His eyelids were drooping. Anyone else might've been offended that he was about to fall asleep in her arms, but he had the feeling that Lindy might consider it a compliment. Under different circumstances, anyway. She made him feel so calm, so relaxed, that he slept like a baby when she holding him. But now wasn't the time. Blinking to clear his vision, he began speaking again. "I think we need to discuss your counseling again...only more rationally this time. We don't have to do it right now if you aren't up to it, but it will have to be soon." She tensed above him, but relaxed slightly as he stroked her back. "I know," she said, blinking her eyes. "I've been thinking about it, about what happened. But I don't know what to do. I know I need help, but I can't do it at the cost of our marriage." She sighed again, listening to his heart beat. It was so comforting to be held by him, to know that he still loved her. "Look at me." He tilted her chin up until she met his gaze. Staring into the watery blue lakes of her eyes, he attempted to smile. He almost managed it, despite how much her expression broke his heart. "I know you're scared, Lind. And my leaving didn't help that at all. I'm really sorry about that, because it was the exact wrong thing to do. I didn't mean to make you feel vulnerable, and I certainly didn't mean to make you think I was leaving for good. Lindy, this isn't going to end our marriage. It was an argument, a disagreement. You're scared, because of your abduction...because it brought back all of those feelings of being alone, hopeless, and abandoned. But I'm not going anywhere. You're my wife, my mate. And that's forever." Her tears came faster now. She wiped at her eyes, frustrated. It seemed to her that all she did now was cry. "I love you so much, Nate. And watching you ride off....well, it's silly now." She took a shuddering breath. "I called Bryn and Anton and they sent my parents over. They've been here talking to me most of the time." He held her closer, tucking the blanket tighter around them. "I'm sorry, baby." He started a slight rocking motion, trying to soothe her. The words popped out of his mouth before he even thought about them. "I guess you have even more to talk to Mulder about, now." She pressed her head against the crook of his neck. "I don't know if I should. I know he's going to want to do joint counseling, and if we need that, it should be with someone we're both comfortable with. And you don't trust him." The last part wasn't an accusation, but a statement of fact. "So I don't know what to do." "You're right, I don't trust Mulder and I don't particularly like him." When she was silent, he tilted her chin up again. "I think the same would be true of just about any counselor you chose right now." "Why don't you want me to see a counselor?" she asked, hurt plain in her voice. "I *do* want you to see a counselor. It's not about that." He swallowed heavily, trying to figure out how to say his piece without sounding like a total ass. "I--I don't trust anyone with you right now, but our families. I know you trust Mulder, and you think that should be enough for me. And it probably should be. But I...I realized when I was out riding that I really need to protect you right now, because I'm so afraid," his voice cracked slightly, "that I might lose you again. I'm afraid that if I don't protect you well enough, it will happen again. You'll be taken away from me, and it will all be my fault." "So we're both blaming ourselves for what happened." She reached up to pushed his hair out of his eyes. "I want to be protected, Nate, but I need to heal too. But I won't let myself be taken away." She took shuddering breath. "I want you to protect me, but I don't know if you protecting me is going to help me get better. And if we can't go to counseling together, I don't know that it will do any good for me to go alone." He nodded, but decided not to reply to her remark just yet. "There's more, Lindy." He closed his eyes, not wanting to see her face when he revealed his jealousy. "I don't know why you think he can take better care of you than I can. Why you think he can heal you better. And...it just makes me sick to look at him, and to know that you trust him in a way you don't trust me." "I don't think he can take better care of me," Lindy said, wrinkling her nose. "And what do you mean that I trust him in a way I don't trust you?" "You're talking to him about what happened." "Yeah, I can see what you mean. It's not that I trust him more than I trust you. I just think of him as family, and it's like I'm talking to Mom or Alex or Walter." She nuzzled him. "I don't think he can heal me better than you can. He's here for the short term to get me started. In a week or so, he'll be gone. You, on the other hand, are in it for the long haul." "You see him as family. And you don't see me that way?" He knew he was started to sound accusatory, but he couldn't help it. "Why is it okay for you to talk to your family about this, and you can't talk to me about it?" "It's not that I don't see you as family," she said. "It's..." Her eyes slid to the side. "It's what?" "You already feel so guilty about a lot of things. About your childhood, about Lindara, about Anton, about Natasha. I don't want to add to that guilt. Because what happened isn't your fault." "Why don't you let me decide that." He took a deep breath, exhaling through his nose. "I'll go with you to your counseling, Lindy. And I'll participate when he asks me to. But you have to promise me you won't hide anything from me. I should be the very first person you turn to, not the last. It hurt to think that you would do that." "I didn't mean to, Nate. I'm sorry." She lightly kissed his cheek and lips. "You'll do the same for me?" She waited until he nodded before continuing. "I know things have been strained between us. I'm sorry I haven't had the energy to be intimate with you. I just feel like I'm barely holding on right now. And part of me is afraid..." "Afraid of what?" "That you'll see me as tainted and not want to..." she trailed off. "I thought I was over that, that we had solved that problem. Obviously it's returned with a vengeance. "You're just as beautiful and perfect in my eyes as you were the first time I saw you, Lindy. If anything, you turn me on even more. And when we're both ready, we'll make love again. I promise. In fact, I thought it might be nice if we went and got a place over the ocean for a night or two. We could let Liam stay with your family or mine, and then spend some time returning to the way things were before we got married...back when we used to flirt with each other and play. But this time it wouldn't have to stop when things got heavy." "I'd like that," Lindy said. She rested her cheek against his chest. "When you rode off tonight, I had this weird feeling that I had seen you do that before. And a weird gut instinct that you wouldn't be coming back. Not that you didn't want to, but that you wouldn't be able to." She lifted her head to look him in the eyes. "How long were you out in the stable, Nate?" He shook his head. "Not long. I was lucky to get back when I did. I underestimated the time it would take me to find my way back. It was the smoke from the fire that finally caught my attention. If I hadn't seen it...well, I was close to the woods. I would've had to pray very hard that I could find a spot where the sun wouldn't reach me. Honestly, I was more worried about getting back for you and Liam than for me." A shiver ran the length of her body and she pulled herself closer to him. "So I did almost lose you," she whispered. She gently caressed his face. "I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't made it back." "It's over, Lind." He leaned his head forward to kiss her forehead, then guided her to rest her cheek against him again. Growing even more drowsy, he let his eyes close. He continued lazily rubbing her back, hoping to calm her down. "Even if I had been too far from the house, I would've found some kind of shelter." He kissed her again, squeezing her tightly. "I'm okay, gorgeous. We're all going to be okay." She nodded, letting her body go limp on him. All the stress of the last eight hours now came crashing down on her. She let out a soft sigh and nestled closer to him, eyes slipping shut. "Love you, Nate. Love you so much." "I love you, too, Alinda. Very, very much." He clutched her tighter, a small smile coming to his face. "Love you more than anything." She shifted a bit, trying to stretch a kink out of her back. Lindy had spent the day sleeping on the couch with Nate, and while she had slept soundly for the first time in days, she had awakened sore. Now she was waiting for Mulder to come over to start the next counseling session. But she had to admit, she was still a bit apprehensive. Nathaniel had promised to be better behaved this time, and not as openly hostile to Mulder. But if he'd really be able to, she wasn't certain. She knew that he would try his best, but she also knew that Mulder had a way of getting under people's skin. And Nate was feeling very protective of her. [Hopefully him trying to protect me won't cause more problems,] she thought. Sitting outside on the front steps, Nate flipped through the junk mail and bills under the pretense of checking the day's mail. The lights above the garage doors were on, giving him a clear view of Mulder as he walked up the driveway. He saw the man hesitate as he spotted him. Under any other circumstances it would've brought a smile to Nate's face. He still had to stifle a small chuckle. Standing up, he stepped down the few stairs and headed over to their guest. Wary and expecting a fight, Mulder stood his ground. "I want to talk to you." Glancing over Nate's shoulder towards the house, Mulder said, "Where's Lindy?" "She's waiting inside for the session. That's what I want to talk to you about. Lindy thinks you can help her--" "That's what I'm trying to do," he said, somewhat defensively. "And I need to believe that you can." Nate watched Mulder blink at him. "Look, I've realized that I...I came on a little strong. I was trying to protect my wife, from everything, and I ignored her instincts. I'm not really sure how to explain why." "It's a natural reaction to trauma." "At any rate, I've talked to her about it and we've made a deal. I'll stop being such an ass to you if she stops hiding things from me. And if you prove to me that I can...trust you, I think we can work something out as far as couples counseling goes." He saw Mulder start to smile. "But," he emphasized, "that doesn't mean I have to like you." The smile disappeared from Mulder's face. "That's fair enough," he said. "Are you ready to get started now?" "Yeah" Nate said. He opened the front door and then followed him inside. Mulder found Lindy sitting on the couch in the same spot she had last night. "Evening, Lindy. How are you doing?" "Okay, I guess," Lindy said. "I actually got some sleep this morning." Setting the mail down on the coffee table, Nate walked past Lindy and sat down on the couch beside. He quietly reached for her hand, giving her that small comfort without looming over her like a vulture. Mulder, he noted, saw the difference but didn't say anything. He watched as the guy sat down in a chair across from them. "It's good to hear you're getting some rest, Lindy. I think you'll realize, as you start to slowly return to your normal routine, that you'll feel a bit better every day that progresses. We can help that along with some medication if it's necessary, but I'd rather we talk before coming to a big decision like that." She nodded, looking a bit uncomfortable at the mention of medication. "Why don't you tell me a bit about what sleep is like now. Are you waking frequently, or are you sleeping a bit more consistently? And do you dream?" "Um... I still wake up a lot, but this morning was the first time I slept more than six hours. If I'm dreaming, I'm not really remembering them. Or I'm not dreaming about Marrok." "Then what are you dreaming about, Lindy?" She squeezed Nate's hand as she gave a deep sigh. "It's that same dream we've talked about before." She closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the cushion of the couch. "It's dark, and I can't see anything or anyone. But I hear a woman I don't know yelling "Jane, run!" And I do start to run. But I hear an evil chuckle in the darkness behind me. And something grabs me and lifts me off my feet. That's when I wake up." Nate frowned, wondering why she'd never told him about that dream. Still, he remained quiet and wondered what it meant. "And you still have no idea what the dream means?" Mulder asked. Lindy shook her head. "All right. Would you like to try to dissect that now, or keep our focus on the events of the recent weeks?" Lindy shook her head again. "I'd rather focus on the more recent stuff." "Okay, Lindy," Mulder said. "But do you know why this dream is happening now?" She bit her lower lip, thinking for a moment. "Maybe because It has to do with me being snatched out of the darkness. Because I feel like I'm powerless, that I can't stop what's about to happen." "That sounds like a good hypothesis to me." Propping up his ankle on his opposite thigh, he asked, "Are you still afraid of Marrok, that he'll come back to attack you or your family? Or is this a general fear of loss of control?" "Both, I guess, but more of Marrok. I mean we don't know why he let me go." She shivered slightly and opened her eyes. "He kept telling me that killing me wouldn't mean anything to him. For all I know he's screwing with me right now, ready to swoop in and snatch Liam at any moment." Mulder gave a small nod, his eyes drifting to the side in thought. "There's not a lot you can do about external threats. You can try to make your home safer, notify the proper authorities about the problem, but you can't really keep from feeling the fear until you work on your mind, right? There is a physical response, with increased heart rate, sweaty palms, increased adrenaline...but those are merely reactions to what was already a mental trigger. Something learned. You learned to be fearful from your abuser as a child. You learned that *any* threat to your control, minimal or large, would produce intolerable pain or panic. And it's not easy to unlearn a response so harshly ingrained into a growing mind, even decades later. But it is possible, Lindy. You can be taught to respond to a threat with different emotions, different actions." Lindy nodded. "I thought that I had unlearned all that, though. You, Mom, Alex, Walter, we all worked on that the last time we did counseling. But one incident and I'm back where I started." "Lindy, give yourself some credit," Mulder said gently. "This was a traumatic experience. I would be more worried if you weren't showing signs of these problems. The fact that you aren't trying to act like every thing's normal is a good sign." "Doesn't feel like one," Lindy mumbled. "Well, we'll work on that. What I'd like you to do right now is close your eyes. We're going to do some of those relaxation techniques I taught you, and then we're going to go back--together--to where Marrok took you after he abducted you. Think you're up to that?" "Okay." She looked a little uncertain about that, though. Trying to make herself a bit more comfortable, she reached down and pulled the lever that raised the footrest of the reclining portion of the couch. She took three deep breaths and closed her eyes, still holding tightly to Nate's hand. "Lindy, I want you to go to your safe place. If you need a row boat to get there, see yourself floating up to shore. Or maybe you can swim. If your safe place is on land, I want you to walk or drive there. Clear your mind of everything but your feet stepping on that private cloud of your imagination." His voice was soft and slow, almost rhythmical, as he lulled her towards relaxation. "It's warm here. Comfortable. You feel yourself smile as you return to the familiar space, knowing that no one can find you here. It's your private hideaway, somewhere you can come to relax, to have some quiet time. Your problems just melt away, sifting gently out of your toes and fingertips, drifting through the air and disappearing altogether. You have a soft bed to lie on, anything you could possibly want to eat, and nothing but peace on your mind." She followed his directions, muscles going slack as she relaxed. Mulder had taught her this technique when she was a teenager, but she rarely practiced it. Part of her was pleased to find that she was still able to do it. She leaned slightly towards Nate, and felt more than a bit sleepy. "You're safe in your comfortable space, gently beginning to dream. But even when you dream here, you remain calm. Your breathing is soft and slow. Your heartbeat steady, like the soothing sound of native drums. The warm breeze drifts over you, carrying any problems your dream might cause. Cradled in soft, plush fabric, your body is heavy. Barely noticeable as your mind drifts. With not a care in the world, your spirit floats through the air, watching as you drift over trees, seeing people as small as ants on the ground below you. You slowly descend, like a feather on the wind, down into a dark room. You see that your are not alone. There is a woman here, and she looks scared, but her emotions do not penetrate you. You watch her like an actor on a screen, reminded that you are safely dreaming and you can leave this place to return to your safe bed at any time. "Can you see the woman, Lindy?" "Yes," she said softly and with a slight shiver. "You can return to your safe place, Lindy, if this is too much. Can you describe where she is?" "She's laying on the ground, unconscious, in a shed. It's got a cement floor that's below ground and a tiny window up in the corner. She's tied to the wall by a chain around her ankle. She's alone." "And she's probably cold, but you're very warm and cozy as you watch her. Wrapped in a soft blanket, safe in your bed. No one can touch you; no one can even see you. So it's not surprising that when a man walks into the room, he doesn't even look in your direction. He doesn't smell you, cannot hear you. He only looks at the woman on the floor. What does he do to her, Lindy?" "He talks to her, calls her a bitch. Tells her that he's going to rename Liam when he gets him. They argue for a little bit about Liam, about Chandra. And he tells her he has no compunction about staking her, that he hates vampires and anyone who is involved with them. Then he walks away and leaves her alone." "And what does she do, Lindy?" "She tries to go over to the window to see if she can get out through it, but she can't reach it. Same for the door too. Then she goes to the corner of the room and sits down. And she starts to cry." Closing his own eyes, Nate let his head fall back on his shoulders and swallowed heavily. He didn't want to hear this. It brought so many conflicted emotions that he felt torn into pieces. He wanted to kill Marrok. He wanted to hold and comfort his wife. He wanted to run away in shame for letting her slip through his fingers. To scream at the world for letting someone so evil exist. And to sob hysterically, because he wasn't sure if he meant Marrok or himself. Squeezing his eyelids together, he tried to drown out her monotonous words, to hurl himself into some safe place of his own creating, all the while holding tightly to her hand. "Does he come back again that night, Lindy?" "No. He stays away, leaving her alone. She spends most of the night pulling on the chain, trying to get free. As the sun starts to come up, she squeezes into the corner as tight as she can. There's barely enough room for her to hide from the light. She's hungry, thirsty, and needs to feed, but there's nothing for her. There are rats, but she can't get to them. They stay in the light." She shivered slightly. "You're still in a safe place, Lindy. Safe and warm and where no one can hurt you." Mulder waited until she calmed down before asking his next question. "Does he come back during the day?" "Yes. He brings her water and eats a sandwich in front of her. He drops half of it in the sun where she can't get to it. He tells her to be a good girl, and she promises to be one. She's scared, and keeps telling him she'll be good. He reaches out to touch her, and she screams." "All right, Lindy. I want you to take a deep breath, let yourself feel the softness of the bed around you. Feel your head cushioned on that plush feather pillow. Warmth surrounds, along with the sweet smell of fabric softener. In the distance you can hear the melodical tweet of birds singing. And you're still safe, all alone in your special retreat. Safe, even though you still dream. You can still see that dream, can't you, Lindy? It's a bit grainy, like old film, but you can see it. Can you tell me why he reached out to touch her?" Lindy frowned and tilted her head, as if studying a picture hung just in front of her. "He doesn't understand why she's promising to be good. He doesn't know that she had been abused before. He gets frustrated and stomps out. She stops after a while and looks around. She sees a rat eating the sandwich he left. It's in the light, but she thinks if she's fast enough, she can grab either the rat or the sandwich. She tries, but she burns her fingers." Mulder glanced over to see that Nate winced in reaction to her voiced pain. Keeping it in mind, but not mentioning it, he kept exploring Lindy's 'dream' further. "That must've hurt her very much. Reminds her that no matter what, she can't venture anywhere near that sunlight. She can't get food, cannot relieve herself, can't escape. All she can do is sit to pass the time, cradling stinging, burnt fingers. Does she understand what happened to her? That she had a flashback to her earlier abuse?" "She does, sort of. But she doesn't think about that. She pours some of the water he left on her fingers to soothe them. She sits there and tries to get some sleep. But she can't get comfortable in the cramped corner she has to hide in." "Does he come back while it's still light?" "No. He waits until after dark. She's sitting as close to the window as she can, watching the stars. They comfort her, because she knows her husband can see them, too." Nate opened his eyes at that, blinking a few times before staring at her. He was surprised by how relaxed she looked, as if lying on a beach and talking while catching rays. Squeezing her hand again, but careful not to pull her away from her relaxed state, he listened quietly as she and her counselor continued. "When Marrok returns, it's dark in the room. The only possible light source is moonlight. Or does he bring a flashlight with him?" "No. He stands with the door open. Making her angry, because he's taunting her with the possibility of escape." Mulder nodded, as if he expected as much. "And what does he say to her?" "He tells her that he's going to call her husband and asks her if thereÕs anything she wants him to tell her. Like she trusts him to pass the message on." Lindy frowned a bit. "They argue more about Liam and about if vampires are monsters. She tells him about the werewolf who abused her, and it makes him angry." "Why does it make him angry?" "Because he doesn't think that a werewolf could act worse than a vampire. And he doesn't want to feel sorry for a vampire, even if she wasn't a vampire when the werewolf hurt her. He tells her that Liam belongs with him. And she tells him that Liam loves her and her husband. He walks away then." Mulder glanced at Nate, his brow creased. "You see him feeling sorry for her, Lindy?" "Yes. He looks upset." "And he immediately becomes defensive afterwards, telling her that Liam belongs to him?" "Yes." "All right. Now, the picture before is slowly starting to fade, Lindy. It becomes more and more dim, and you feel yourself floating up into the clouds again. On a gentle breeze, you fly over the trees, over the tiny people on the ground, lazily drifting back to your safe place...the place you never really left at all. Your spirit sinks back into your body like dipping into a warm bubble bath. You feel the weight of your body, and its presence is very soothing to you. As your dream begins to fade, your senses return to you. You feel your bed beneath you shifting, lightly tilting you up until you're reclining. My voice becomes clearer. You can feel the grip of your husband's hand. The constant light buzz of your refrigerator. You're home now, Lindy. Back with the people that care about you. Welcome back. Your eyelids are no longer heavy. Why don't you open your eyes and take a moment to adjust to the light." She immediately opened her eyes and shut them, blinking rapidly. She took a deep breath and looked over at Nate, giving him a weak smile. She gently squeezed his hand, before looking at Mulder. "That was intense," she said quietly. He gave her a small smile. "Would you like a drink of water?" She shook her head. "Maybe later." "There are several reasons why I took you back to that place, Lindy, but most importantly it was to show you that even if you experience those memories again, you'll always have a safe place to return to." He rubbed his hands together, collecting his thoughts. "I think you've already started to understand why we stopped when we did. You had a breakthrough, didn't you?" "I guess so. I realized that he felt sorry for me." "Right. Why?" "Because I told him I was abused before." "True. But why would he feel sorry for a vampire?" "I think it's because I was once a werewolf like him, and he's got more sympathy for them." Mulder tilted his head slightly. "Possibly. But I think there's more to it than that." Glancing at Nate, he said, "Why don't you give us your opinion why he felt sorry for her, Nathaniel?" "Hell if I know. Because he has a daughter?" "Interesting. I wasn't aware of that. And that might be your answer. But I have another suggestion for the two of you to mull over. What if he started to develop a bit of respect for Lindy? I know that sounds crazy, but think about it...for the first time since he abducted her, she stood up to him and refused to be beaten down by his verbal abuse. She wasn't physically violent, in fact wasn't even violent at all. Something like that might've provoked him. Instead, she stood her ground, gave him reasons why he was wrong, and wouldn't cower. She told him she was abused before, by a man much more threatening than he was. And she survived, stoically. Despite how she was abused, she grew up to love her family, her husband, and *Marrok's* son. Wouldn't that give you cause to step back a bit, if you were him?" "Maybe," Lindy said doubtfully. "Well, think about it a bit, Lindy," Mulder said. "Unless we're able to talk to him, we'll never know all of his reasons for changing his mind. But I'm sure what each of us mentioned played a part." He looked over at the clock. "Why don't we take a break for tonight, and we'll pick this up same time tomorrow. Give us all some time to think. And I'll tell Jess that she can bring Liam back over now." "Okay," Lindy said with a frown. She felt tired now, exhausted by her memories. "Hey, don't look so down," Mulder said. "You're doing a great job facing this, and it's going to get better." She gave him a weak nod. "I hope so." Standing up, Nate squeezed Lindy's hand one more time before releasing it. Looking towards Mulder, Nate said, "I'll walk you to the door." Mulder gave him an odd look, but gestured for him to lead the way. Leaving Lindy to relax on the couch, they headed towards the foyer. It wasn't until they were outside that Nate finally spoke. "I think that went well, don't you? I mean, it's a good thing that she's remembering all of this stuff...and it's not going to damage her, is it?" "No. As long as she's able to talk about it, she'll eventually be okay. It's if she stops talking about it that I would become worried." He paused for a moment. "That other dream she mentioned has me concerned, though. I've never been able to get her to talk about that one. As far as I know, no one has been able to." Nate sighed, running his fingers through his hair. "If she wants to tell me, she will...but I'm not going to push her about it. She'll freeze up entirely." "I think that's best. She'll have to want to help herself, or nothing you or I say will make a bit of difference. When she's ready, she'll let us know." Nate wasn't so sure that was true. Still, he nodded, unsure of what to say. "Thanks for your help." "You're welcome." Stepping down the porch stairs, Mulder gave a small wave. "I'll see you both tomorrow." Watching the other man disappear, Nate leaned against one of the support posts. He wasn't retracting his earlier opinion by any means, but he had to admit that Fox Mulder wasn't the villain he'd painted him to be. He wasn't going to admit that to Lindy, though. Not yet. Returning to the house, he turned up the heat a bit before walking back to the living room. His wife was still sitting where he'd left her. "How are you doin', Lind?" "Okay, I guess," she said, resting her head on her hands. "Mulder's just given me a lot to think about." She looked up at him. "How about you?" He sank down on the couch next to her, letting out a groan as he melted into the cushions. "I'm fine. Just worried about you. And tired. All of that talk about relaxing and being comfortable made me sleepy." He gave her a lazy smile. "I don't know about you, but I didn't get nearly enough sleep last night. Even though it was better than I *had* been sleeping." "Me neither, Nate." She reached over and grabbed his hand in hers, turning to look directly at him. "I want to tell you that I'm proud of how you handled Mulder tonight. I know that had to have been hard for you to listen to." He slipped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close and kissing the top of her head. "I'm proud of you, baby. If it was hard for me, it had to be ten times as hard for you. But you made it look like a piece of cake. You're doin' a really good job, and you're being very brave. So I don't want you to get discouraged because it seems like you're not going anywhere. Because you are. And besides, you can't expect a miracle cure over night. Things like that only happen in the movies." Lindy nodded, leaning more against him. "I just wish it was over with and things were back to normal." She sighed, rubbing her cheek against his shoulder. "I just hope that he doesn't decide to put me on medication. I don't want to do that." "Lind, if it helps you to get better, what's the problem? Some people really need it. It's no different than taking insulin shots. If you're deficient in seratonin, then you need help to take care of that. And if he decides that you don't need medication, that's okay too. He'll do whatever is best for you. That's the whole idea." She nodded. "It just seems like admitting defeat to need medication," she said. She sighed and closed her eyes. "So are you going to ask me?" "Ask you what, Lind?" "About the other dream?" He lifted his free hand to rub the back of his neck. "No, actually I wasn't. I already decided that I'm not going to push you about any of this. I trust that you'll tell me when you're ready. Besides, it seems to me that you've already done enough work tonight. You might as well rest when you can." "Thanks," she said softly. "I'm not ready to talk about that. Not yet, but I will someday. I promise you." She snuggled closer. "I don't know about you, but I could easily spend the night eating popcorn and holding you and Liam while we watch a movie." He smiled softly, reminded that was the original plan for the night before. "I think that sounds absolutely perfect, gorgeous." She heard his car slowing, as he reached their house, and couldn't help but smile to herself. Glancing at her reflection in the window, she made sure she didn't have any lipstick on her teeth. After cleaning the house and watching the baby all night, she'd decided to relieve a little of her boredom and have some fun with her husband. Dark hair curled into thick, sassy ringlets, she took the bowl of torn lettuce out of the sink and turned around to smile at their guest. Mack smiled back. He had no clue why she was wearing that outfit, but he wasn't complaining. Still, he was sure to catch hell when Anton caught him staring at his wife's ass all night. Sipping his glass of wine, he had to stifle a bit of a chuckle at that thought. This was sure to be an interesting evening. Anton pulled into the garage. It had been another long night at work, covering both his and Lindy's work. He had to watch his time carefully, remembering that Mack was coming over for dinner. So he left and drove home a bit earlier than usual. He had been hoping to beat Mack, but had noticed his car parked out by the stables. Shutting off his car, he went into the house. "Bryn? Mack? I'm home." Mack cleared his throat. "We're, uh, in the kitchen." After hanging his coat in the closet and setting his keys on the side table, Anton walked down the long hallway to the living room. It wasn't until he was halfway across that expansive space that he stopped in his tracks. His eyes skipped briefly over Mack's face before staring blatantly at Bryn. Standing behind their island counter, she smiled at him, her lips painted cherry-red. She was taller than usual and soon realized why as she stepped over to the fridge on her glossy platform shoes. Between them and her way-too-short shorts, her legs looked a mile long. He didn't miss the way Mack's head moved to follow her as she bent to pull out a bottle of salad dressing from the door. And the sleeveless seersucker shirt she wore, tied above her waist, showed more than an ample amount of cleavage. "So...we're having chicken for dinner," Mack said, amusement plain in his voice. "Are you a leg man or a breast man, Anton?" He shot a dirty look at his friend. "So have you been here long, Mack? Have you checked on the horses yet?" "No, not yet. I'll do that right before I leave." Anton nodded, his eyes straying back to Bryn. "And what have you been up to, my dear?" [And I certainly know what we will be up to later on tonight.] "Making your dinner, sugar. I thought you might like something delicious after working all night. I hope you have room for dessert--you like cherry pie, right?" She gave him a wicked grin as she walked around the counter, sauntering towards him to give him a lingering kiss. Reaching up to wipe the lipstick off his lips afterwards, she leaned closer (certainly much easier now that she was taller), and whispered in his ear, "And maybe something special afterwards, my love." Over her shoulder, Anton could see Mack grinning like a Cheshire cat. Anton watched as she saucily walked back to the oven to check on the chicken, exaggerating the sway of her hips. He knew that Bryn was enjoying herself, teasing him in front of his friend. He took a deep breath and forced himself to look away from Bryn, and over to Mack, who was clearly too amused by the situation. "So have you seen Max tonight? Where is he by the way?" "Behind you," Mack said, pointing out that the baby was lying on a blanket on the floor. Sound asleep with his fist in his mouth, his diapered butt was currently serving as Petunia's pillow. "I got to hold him for a while when I got here, but apparently I'm really boring because he conked out about five minutes later." He paused for a minute, then added, "We're having wine. Can I pour you a glass?" "Sure." Anton watched as Mack reached over and grabbed the bottle of wine sitting on the counter. But his eyes slid back to Bryn, who was bending over the over the oven, showing off her ass. Not for the first time tonight, and probably not for the last, he wished that Mack wasn't here at the moment. He accepted the glass of wine from his friend ad took a sip. He was curious if he had seen Chandra, or had spoken with her recently. She seemed to have withdrawn recently, and he was worried about her, although the werewolves reassured him that she was doing fine. He also thought about asking Mack, but didn't want to spoil the mood. "So have you been training any interesting horses lately?" It took Mack a moment to realize Anton was talking to him. "Huh? Oh, uh, yeah, I guess you could call them interesting. Although it's more rehabilitating than training. I have a mare that was in a skirmish at the starting gate and got injured, so she's really skittish. We're having a hell of a time getting her anywhere near the gate when other riders are present. And then I have a foal I'm working on for the Eastmans. He was born with a lame leg and they spent so damned much money on the semen that they wanted to see if I could do anything for him. The wife is so upset that I've been giving them false hopes, but I think I'm going to have to call it off. The horse can be ridden, but he'll never be a racer. I just hope Eastman doesn't decide to have it destroyed." "Pity that." Anton's eyes strayed now to Bryn's cleavage before he responded further to Mack. "I think that Nathaniel is looking for a horse for himself. Talk to him about it if you can convince the Eastmans to sell instead of putting the horse down." He had to swallow when he saw Bryn deliberately lick a stray drop of salad dressing from her fingertip. Bryn tightened the tails of her shirt, deliberately lifting her breasts a bit higher. While Mack's head was turned, she caught Anton's gaze and licked her red lips, catching her thumbs in the waistband of her shorts and discreetly lowering them...showing off the brand new tattoo she'd gotten just that evening. A shiny, red cherry, glistening with drops of moisture, placed right above her now absent pubic hair. As Mack agreed to talk to Nate, oblivious to Anton's stare, Bryn grinned at her husband and casually settled her shorts back in place. He bit back a groan, almost missing Mack's question to him. "Um, Lindy seems to be learning to ride well." He wasn't certain how much about the recent events in her life she wanted spread around. "She's been under a lot of stress lately." Not like the stress he was under now watching his wife. Mack glanced back at Bryn, who gave him an innocent smile, and then back at Anton, who was looking much more flushed than he should. Mentally shaking his head, he said, "Well, when I talk to Nate, I'll let Lindy know that I'd be glad to teach her to ride if she needs help." Bryn smirked. "I think Nate already taught her all she needs to know about that." Picking up her wine glass, she lightly licked the rim to keep her lipstick from sticking as she took a sip. "Dinner should be ready in about ten minutes." [Which might be the longest ten minutes of my life,] Anton thought. Trying to keep some semblance of control in front of his friend, Anton looked over at Mack. "So what did you have in mind for the horses here?" "I'd, uh, like to get the colts used to wearing halters and leads, for one thing. That will probably take more work from the two of you than it will from me. I have some rope out in the truck...we'll have to start with a hand made halter for now. They're still too small for real ones. We can work on that after dinner." He glanced back in Bryn's direction. "That chicken sure smells good. What are we having with it?" "Red potatoes and salad." She walked around the counter again, casually sitting on the arm of the couch, her legs crossed and wine glass dangling from her fingers. "You know, if Nate isn't interested in that horse, I think I might be able to talk Anton into it." She gave them both a wide grin. [You know you can talk me into anything, Bryn. All you have to do is...] He cut off that thought before he got the mental image, or even worse, spoke it aloud. "I'm sure we can start working with them tonight. And maybe give Max his first horse back ride." He tried to ignore how Bryn's soft thigh was just inches from his hand. Bryn's eyes lit up at that last comment, and she slid her hand over Anton's. "I bet he'd love that! We could even put him in a carrier and take him with us if we ever decide to go for a ride." She smiled at him, giving him one of her hundred-watt grins, loving the way his eyes dilated in response. "Uh, yeah," Anton said, distracted as Bryn's thumb ran over the back of his hand. Deciding a little turn about was fair play, he turned his hand over and ran his fingers over the underside of her palm and wrist. "And how are you doing, Mack? It sounds like the business is going well, but how are other things?" He'd leave it up to his friend as to whether he wanted to talk about Chandra or not. Although with Bryn distracting him, it would be hard for Anton to keep his focus. "Things are okay. Nothing too exciting. I've been keeping myself busy. Sometimes I get too tired to even microwave some dinner when it's time." He paused for a moment, pulling on a string on his jeans. "Mindy's working out really well. She's a big help. Sometimes I think she thinks she needs to take care of me." He shook his head and let out a little laugh at that. "Sometimes I think she does, too." Looking up to meet Anton's gaze, he said, "I need to talk to Chandra, but I've been thinking about giving away some of the dogs. It's not that I can't afford to take care of them. I just don't have the time." He was about to ask why he wanted to give away his dogs, but they weren't his, he remembered. They had always been Chandra's first and foremost. "I think she's around if you want to talk to her tonight." Any reason to get them talking would be a good thing. "I think she misses you more than she's willing to admit." Mack smirked at him. "Subtle, Anton." Before Anton could reply, the baby let out a soft cry to let everyone know he was awake. Bryn handed her wine glass to Anton before dropping to her knees on the floor. She picked up the squirming boy from the blanket, and said, "ohhh, poor baby," as he began to cry and wave his fists in frustration. As he settled against her, he immediately began nuzzling her breast. "I guess I'm going to go feed this little guy." Looking at Anton, she said, "If the buzzer on the oven goes off, go ahead and get the chicken out. You two can start eating while it's warm. I'll be down as soon as I can." With that, she climbed to her feet and sauntered towards the stairs. Anton watched her go, amazed at how she could be so sexy and so motherly at the same time. He turned back to his friend. "Seriously, Mack, how are you doing?" He didn't add that he could almost see Chandra was ready to move on without him. No sense in adding pressure to the relationship if it was no longer to be. And if that child he was working with thought he needed to be taken care of, things could not be going well. "Seriously, Anton, I'm doing okay," Mack said, mimicking his friend's question. He slid off the bar stool he was sitting on and wandered over to the living room to sit down. "I know you think I should be devastated that Chandra's not around, but I'm not. We were growing apart even before...she was bitten. I'm just trying to get on with my life." He glanced towards the stairway, nodding with his head. "But I've been meaning to tell you, I've seen huge changes in you since Bryn came along. I mean, God, what happened to the stubborn, hard-ass, stick-in-the-mud I used to know so well? You're a pushover, knee-deep in frilly panties and Huggies, now." Anton shrugged. "It's amazing how your priorities change when you have a child, Mack. Or even when you're married. Remember, you haven't see me in a relationship before." Anton followed Mack into the living room, taking a seat near the fireplace. "She doesn't let me be selfish," Anton said. "And it's a very sobering, very frightening thought when you realize that a young life is completely dependent on you." "I can understand the kid, but you were different before he came along. A lot different. I just--I don't think that happened to me. Certainly not with Joanne, but not even with Chandra. Is that how I'm supposed to judge whether or not I'm seeing the right woman--by how different I become when she's around?" "Not exactly, Mack." He took a sip of wine and then placed the glass on the floor. "Have you ever considered that I was a 'stubborn, hard-ass, stick-in-the-mud' as you put it, because I lonely?" He leaned forward. "That is how you judge if you're seeing the right woman, Mack. How you feel. Does she make you happy? Does a room light up merely because she walked into it? Do you see the world differently, or does it seem more wondrous, because she's in it? That, Mack, is how you tell if you are seeing the right woman." Mack groaned, leaned back on the couch and letting his head rest. He started as the buzzer on the oven went off, but didn't move much otherwise. Petunia, seeing an easy victim, sat down on the floor next to his legs and propped her chin up on his thigh, waiting patiently to be petted. "Sounds like dinner is ready," Anton said, standing up, not at all ready to end the conversation. "I'll be right there," Mack answered, still not moving. Just as Anton was getting the chicken and potatoes out of the oven, Bryn walked back down the stairs, her sleeveless shirt replaced by one of his t-shirts, carrying a wide-awake baby. Max, holding his head up like he'd been practicing for the last few weeks, looked around curiously, his fist curled up against his Old Navy sweatshirt. "Someone decided he wanted to burp up all over his Mommy, so we both needed new shirts." "Oh really?" Anton put the tray down on the counter top and removed his oven mitts. He took Max and lifted him in the air above his head. "I thought you were saving that trick for the guests, Max?" He then pulled Max close to his chest. "At least he didn't do it while he was feeding from me, my dear." He stepped closer to Bryn, leaning against her. "Is there anything you want me to do before we eat? Anything I can do to help?" "Just this," she said, turning and wrapping her arms around his shoulders, hugging him tightly. She pressed her cheek against his, softly whispering, "It scared me when he got sick. I almost panicked until I realized it was just milk. I don't know what I thought it was going to be, but I'm glad it wasn't.Ó Anton rocked her gently. "It's okay, Bryn. I'm sure I would have been panicked as well." He kissed her forehead and then lightly squeezed her. "I don't know about you, but I'm hungry. Shall we get this on the table and eat? I promise not to spit up on you," he added with a lopsided grin.Ó She let out a snort, then giggled. Nodding, she turned around and grabbed some plates from the cupboard, quickly setting the table. When she came back for the oven mitts, she glanced over at their guest. "You okay, Mack?" "Yeah, I'm okay. Just got tired all of the sudden. Guess this is what happens when you get old. You should be glad you'll never have to worry about that." Bryn shook her head. "Well, do you need a hand up from the couch, old man? Dinner's on the table." "If you're doing the helping, I'll accept." Anton watched out of the corner of his eye as Bryn helped Mack up. He didn't think that his friend would be comfortable discussing Chandra and how to tell when you are in love in front of Bryn. As much as he wanted to get a feel for if he and Chandra were going to get back together, Anton would wait and follow Mack's lead, at least until he brought up the subject. Bryn shivered as she stood in the aisle in her t-shirt and shorts. [What was I thinking wearing this?] Watching while Mack fitted the colts for their halters, she huddled with Max in Anton's coat and stuck close to her husband's side. They'd only been in stables for a few minutes when they heard giggles coming from the small office. Bryn glanced at Anton, sharing an odd look, before carefully stepping down the aisle and closer to the partially opened door. "No, I'm serious. It took her three weeks to get it out of the curtains," came Mulder's voice. Anton pushed the door open slightly to see Mulder and Chandra both leaning against the desk. "Oh, hello, Mr. and Mrs. Rudenko," Mulder said. "I was just explaining to Chandra why Jess isn't allowed in the kitchen unsupervised." "We didn't mean to walk in your conversation," Bryn said, slightly self-conscious all of the sudden. "We were just wondering who else is out here." "Are you guys planning to go for a ride?" Chandra asked. "No," Anton said, careful with his words. "We're just fitting the horses for their halters." Chandra stepped towards them. Like Bryn, she was wearing a man's coat...but it certainly wasn't her husband's. Glancing back at Mr. Mulder, who was only wearing jeans and a t-shirt, Bryn got the picture. "We'll come out here and talk with you," Chandra said, waving Mulder along with her. "Don't look so worried, Anton, I already know Mack's here. I saw his truck." "Okay," Anton said. He had also noticed that Chandra was wearing Mulder's coat. [How chivalrous,] he thought, not certain how he should react. While he wanted to see Mack and Chandra back together, something about Mack's questions earlier this evening made him wonder if that would be happening. Mulder didn't seem phased by the intrusion. "So Chandra was telling me most of these horses are yours?" "Yes, except for the brown mare, Lily. She belongs to Lindy." Anton glanced back to see if Mack was aware of Mulder's presence. Mack was looking in their direction, but more at Chandra than at the stranger. Finishing up what he was doing, he let go of the colt and stepped out of the stall. "Chandra, can I talk to you for a minute?" Not looking pleased, Chandra sidestepped the others and walked towards him. "What?" "I meant in privacy." "You can say whatever it is right here." Mack sighed heavily, glancing back at Mulder. "Do you really want to do this in front of your boyfriend?" She rolled her eyes. "Just say whatever you have to say, Michael." "I'm thinking about giving away the dogs. I don't have the time to take care of them, there are just too many--don't give me that look, you know how hard it is for one person to do all of that work." "And what about your stupid high school girl? She can't do it?" Growing angry and desperate, he blurted out, "She's gone, all right! She and her stupid boyfriend ran off somewhere. She didn't give me notice, didn't bother to say a word. I don't have any help there, not with the horses, the dogs, anything!" "Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?" Chandra asked, her voice lowering slightly. "Your little bedwarmer left, and you want a shoulder to cry on? Give me a break." "I--I don't want anything from you. I'm trying to tell you that your dogs have to go. If you want them, come pick them up. Otherwise, I'm giving them away." "You're killing them, you mean. They were strays to begin with, Michael." He sighed heavily, staring down at his boots. "If you want to come to the farm and take care of them, you're more than welcome. If you want to bring them up here, that's fine. Other than that, I can't help you." "Give me one more day to work something out." "Fine." "Fine!" Turning on her heel, Chandra stomped back towards Mulder and then right past him, calling behind her, "I'm going back to the house, if you want to follow, Fox." Mulder sketched an elaborate yawn, not fooling anyone. "It's getting late, and I need to be awake for Lindy's session tomorrow. I'll see you later." Without any further word, he started to amble after Chandra. Anton turned to look at Mack. He was a bit surprised at Chandra's outburst, and Mack's confession. "Mack?" he asked, waiting to see his reaction. Mack shook his head. "I don't know why I expected her to be nice about it. It's not as if I didn't deserve that." He ran his hand through his hair, then dropped it down to his side. "I guess I should probably get going, too. It's nearly 3am. I'm sorry I ruined the mood. Hopefully Chandra will be able to work out something with the dogs." "Okay, Mack," Anton said. "Thanks for coming out so late." He wasn't certain what to think of what he had just seen. Mack had called Mulder Chandra's boyfriend, but things hadn't progressed that far, he thought. Or had they? He decided to talk with Bryn and the other werewolves about it later. "Call if you need help with anything." He couldn't do much about the daytime issues, but he could aid some at night, if his friend wasn't too proud to accept." "Thanks. I'll do that." Mack stepped forward to briefly hug Anton and Bryn, careful not to squish Max. He took hold of Max's fist and shook it, saying, "I'll see you later, Maximus." Ruffling the boy's hair lightly, he gave them one more smile, then headed towards his truck. "Good night." "Good night!" Watching as Mack started his truck and then pulled away from the barn, Bryn leaned against Anton. "And here I thought *you* were secretive." "See, I'm practically an open book." Anton put his arm around her. "So what do you think, my dear? I had my suspicions about Mack, but didn't think things had deteriorated so far." He rubbed his hand up and down her arm. "But I didn't think of Chandra possibly dating again already." "I don't think she is," she said, urging him towards the house. She was growing goose bumps on her goose bumps. "I think Mack said that to see if she'd deny it. And I think she purposefully let him wonder. The thing that bothers me is that we were right about Mack sleeping with that girl. He's probably old enough to be her father." She glanced at him, remembering their age difference. "Yeah, I know, I'm one to talk...but I'm not a teenager, still in high school." "Bryn, if I slept with people who were my age, that would discount over 99% of the population." Taking her hint, he started towards the house. "But your right. I thought he knew better than to fall into bed with a mere child." He paused. "Somehow, I don't think that he and Chandra will be getting back together. Even if he does apologize for his behavior." She shivered, hugging Max closer. "No, I don't think they will. She doesn't look like she's willing to forgive him at all. If anything, she gets more hostile every time she sees him." Hurrying over to his side, she grabbed his hand. "Do you ever think it's weird that I'm so much younger than you? I usually don't even think about it, except that you're so much smarter than I am. It's only when I see things like Mack and that girl that wonder if it shows." He opened the front door to the house and ushered her and Max inside. "I don't really think about it, my dear, because mostly everyone is so much younger than me. It's something I'm just used to, because so rarely do I meet anyone close to my age like Nathaniel, or older than me, like the Empress. And for me being smarter," he shrugged. "It's that I've had more lifetime, or would that be unlifetime, experiences. You'll gain the same perspectives the longer that you are around." She handed Max over to him, then shrugged out of his coat and hung it up in the closet. Looking down at herself, she sighed, feeling like somewhat of a tramp. Sitting down on the stairs, she started to remove her high-heeled shoes. "But it doesn't bother you that I'm so much younger? I guess I'm not really that much older than Mindy. I'm probably somewhat of a child to you, too. Does it ever embarrass you?" "No, my dear." He sat down on the stairs next to him. Max started to squirm, nuzzling him until Anton offered him his finger. He winced as Max bit down and started to suckle. "It's something that I'm used to, this extreme version of a 'generation gap.' But it's also something that I try to adapt to. I have to, or the world would stop making sense to me. And while you are considerably younger than me, I don't see you as a child, or child like, as Mindy appeared to be." With both shoes unbuckled, she removed them from her feet and wiggled her toes. Wrapping her arm around her bent legs, she settled her chin on her knee. "Do you ever wish I was the same age as you? Or...more sophisticated?" "No, because then you wouldn't be you." He leaned over and kissed her temple. "And as for you being more sophisticated, you can be pretty sophisticated when you want to. How about the cruise we took on New Year's Eve? Or the gallery showing where we met again?" He leaned against her shoulder lightly, unable to put either arm around her since he was feeding and holding Max. "I like being casual, comfortable like this, Bryn. And when you need to be dressed up for high society, you have nothing to be ashamed of." She didn't know why, but that sentiment didn't make her feel much better. "I feel silly for having worn this outfit tonight. It was really inappropriate, and I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I thought that we might be having a lighthearted evening, but it turned out more serious. Now I just kind of feel like a tramp. I can't even imagine what Mr. Mulder must be thinking of me." She let out a small laugh, more discomfort than humor. "I guess I should just stick to my jeans and a sweater next time." Anton tenderly smiled at her. "Bryn, the only way you made me feel uncomfortable is due to the fact that my jeans felt three sizes to small. You wear whatever makes you feel good, Bryn. And as for Mr. Mulder, I think that he was too busy looking at Chandra to notice what you're wearing." Letting out a sigh, she grabbed her shoes and stood up. Turning, she started heading up the stairs. "You know, I wish that one of these days, you could find something wrong with me, so you can put me out of my misery. It's driving me insane wondering. And waiting. Maybe you should just leave me and skip the middle part." "Where is this coming from?" Concerned, he stood up and followed her to their bedroom. Max had finished nursing and he gently laid him down on their bed. He was a bit stunned by her last statement "Bryn, do you really think that I'm going to leave you?" "I know you will," she said, her voice emotionless. She didn't even look at him as she started undressing. "Everyone does. I know I've never said it before, but I don't really believe in forever, Anton. When you say that, it sounds like a really nice dream, but there's always a little voice in my head that reminds me it isn't true." She slid off her shorts, picking them up off the floor. "I don't believe that love lasts more than twenty or so years. That's why the divorce rate is so high in the world. My parents...they almost seem to live in the middle ages. They think they have to stay married, which is silly because they haven't loved each other for years. Maybe a decade or more. I know they started out thinking they'd love each other forever, but everyone thinks that when they first get married. Like us." Pulling the t-shirt off her head, she breathed in the scent of the fabric softener, then set it on the bed next to her, moving on to her bra. "I think most people stay together for their children, but that's not fair because children know what's going on. It would be better to just tell them and try to make them understand that even though we don't love each other anymore, we still love them very much. And that just because we get remarried to someone else, that doesn't mean they aren't still just as important to us." She turned to meet his gaze, looking apologetic. "I know I should've admitted to this earlier, but somehow I thought I could make myself believe it wouldn't happen. I thought that maybe if you kept saying it, it would come true. And I didn't want to hurt your feelings, because I know that you do believe." "I...I had no idea that you felt that way, Bryn." Anton swallowed. He took her hand gently interlacing their fingers. "So what are you saying? That I should prepare myself to let go of you in ten, twenty, thirty years? Because I can't do that, Bryn. Even before Max, I couldn't do that." "Maybe like your parent's I'm living in the middle ages, but when I make a promise to love someone, it lasts for their and my lifetime. Otherwise, you wouldn't have been so upset during our honeymoon when you saw the affection I still had for my dead wives, for you throughout the ages." His voice was breaking with emotion. This had caught him off guard, and the thought of losing her yet again terrified him. "Even when Alexandra left me, and I thought Stephana had, I still loved them...you...with all my heart. Don't ask me to give you up without a fight." "I--I'm sorry. Anton, I didn't mean that you wouldn't try. And I really, really want to believe that you will. I'm not saying that I'll stop loving you. I--I don't know how to say this and have it make sense." She turned towards him, trying to look him in the eye. She ended up chickening out and staring at his mouth instead. "I will love you as much as I can, for as long as I can, and I hope you'll do the same for me. But I'm trying to tell you that if you stop loving me, I won't..." Her chin wobbled as she tried to stifled her emotions. "I'm trying to tell you that I'll be okay. That it will still hurt me, but I'll already know it's coming." Ducking her head, she pulled her hand back into her own lap. "I don't want to make it sound like it would be your fault, because it's just something that happens. I've always known that if I found someone to love, they would leave me eventually. I knew it...but it didn't make it hurt any less. God, I know I'm being really mean to you, and I'm sorry, but I don't know how to explain this any other way." She swiped at her nose. "I wish it could last forever. I really do. But I'm too scared to really believe that." "Don't you dare." His voice was low, shaking. "Don't you dare push me away because of something that your parents did when you were a child. I'm not like them, Bryn. I'm not going to stop loving you. I have never, and I never will." He reached out and turned her head so she had to look at his eyes. His were welling with tears. "It's not going to happen. There may be times when we fight, when we don't like each other, but I will never stop loving you." Her eyes widened slightly. "I'm not! I'm not trying to push you away. I don't want to you to stop loving me, that's not what I meant at all. I didn't--" She reached for him, wrapping her arms around his neck. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm not trying to do that. I knew I shouldn't have said anything. I'm sorry. Anton, please forgive me, I didn't mean to hurt you. I was just trying to explain..." "Shhhh..." Anton put his arms around her, burying his face against the side of her neck. "I don't know why you think you're unlovable, or that I'm going to leave you. Because It's not going to happen." He pulled back far enough to press a kiss to her forehead. "Even if I have to spend the rest of eternity trying to convince you otherwise." She cupped his cheeks with her hands, her eyes still sad. "Oh sugar, I really wish you can." She sniffled, then leaned closer to press her lips to his. "I love you so much, Anton. I don't want you to think that that has changed at all. And I know that you love me..." She stopped, before digging herself in a deeper hole. "Maybe I should just shut up now. I just, I want to tell you that I love you more than anyone in the whole universe." Anton threaded his fingers through her hair. "I'm not going to tell you how much I love you; I'm going to show you. But first let me put Max in his crib." He kissed her forehead again before standing up. Carefully picking up his sleeping son, Anton gently placed Max into his crib without waking him. He turned to look at Bryn, his heart breaking at how small and fragile she appeared in the half light of their bedroom. [How can you think that?] he wondered. [After everything we've been through, how can you seriously believe that I would stop loving you?] But he knew he wouldn't get an answer if he asked. Instead he sat down on the bed and pulled her into his arms. "I love you so much, Bryn. And nothing's going to change that." He then kissed her, lightly nibbling on her lips. Maybe if he repeated it often enough, she'd start believing it. She let out a whimper against his mouth, climbing into his lap to get as close as she could to him. Wrapping her legs around his hips, she kissed him wholeheartedly, clutching him tightly, meaning to never let him go. She had needed to tell him the truth, to make understand why she did the things she did and why she clung to him so desperately. To let him know why she got so scared when she did something wrong, or gained weight, or embarrassed him. Logically, she *knew* he wasn't that shallow. She knew he wasn't that petty. But she was so certain that one day she'd be alone that she was never sure just what would drive him away. She believed he meant what he was saying when he said he'd stay forever. But things like that weren't always in his control. He continued to stroke her hair as he pushed her back onto the bed, making sure he was on top of, but not crushing her. His tongue parted her lips and delved into her mouth. He was going to make sure that Bryn knew that he loved her and he always would. His had slipped between their bodies so he could cup her breast, lightly teasing her nipple. "Mmm." Arching into his touch, she slid her own hands to tug his shirt free from his waistband. Her palms slid over the flesh she'd bared, holding on to him, enjoying the feel of his skin. She wished she could enter him the way he entered her, to fill him with her heart and soul, to let him feel the blood pulsing through her veins. She wanted to mesh with him, to melt into him, until they were one undulating mass of love and pleasure. Keeping one arm around his back, she wedged her other hand in between them to tug open the buttons on his shirt. Still kissing her desperately., he continued to rub his fingers against her nipple. He broke the kiss, arching up only long enough shed his shirt, jeans and boxers. Breathing raggedly, Anton caressed her sex, checking her moisture, before entering her in one smooth motion. "Mine, forever," he whispered, his mouth just below her ear. It was so tempting to sink his fangs into her, to Transform her here and now, to make certain she was his for all eternity. Instead he stayed on top of her, holding still, trying to keep under control, closing his eyes so she wouldn't see the glimmer of bloodlust that came on him. Shuddering, Sabryn pressed her face against his shoulder and wrapped her legs around his. She could feel her eyes misting up again and clutched him tightly to her. "I love you so much, Anton. I don't ever want to lose you. And I'm so sorry I hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you." "I know," he whispered, kissing below her ear. He didn't want her to see how tempted he was to Transform her. Gently, slowly he started to lick behind her jaw and then to nibble on her earlobe. He held the lower half of his body still, though, wanting to stay like this as long as possible. "It's okay, Bryn. I love you so much." She spread her legs a little wider and grabbed his ass, pushing him in deeper, getting as close as she possibly could. Squeezing his cock inside of her, and letting out a long whimper at how good it felt. Panting, she kissed him, repeatedly, on his chin, eyes, nose, and mouth. "I do...I do want to be with you forever. More than anything. If it's at all possible, I will find a way. Because I'd never give up on you. And I'd never stop loving you." He trembled at her words, hips starting to move. He lifted up a little so he could look into her eyes. He couldn't retract his fangs, couldn't dim the gleam in his eyes. His breath was coming in jagged gasps. "There is a way," he whispered. She stared up at him, her eyes widening as she took in the blatant hunger on his face. Swallowing heavily, she could feel herself getting wetter, her sex swelling with need, as she tightened around him. Her heart was pounding, part fear and part excitement. Licking her lips, her mouth suddenly dry, she hurried to catch her breath. "You want to do that? To Transform me now?" "Yesss!" he hissed. She couldn't tear her gaze away from his face, so instead she closed her eyes, trembling, still haunted by his expression. And she wanted so badly to open her mouth and scream 'Yes yes yes!'...but she also had a vivid picture of everything they'd be giving up. A pretty little girl, with Anton's tenderness and patience, with his beautiful eyes. Not to mention that she couldn't nurse Max ever again. Tears flooding her, she opened her leaking eyes and whispered, "No." He shut his eyes, biting the inside of his lower lip. Part of him was ashamed for wanting to bite down anyway. But he shook his head, trying to remain in control. Only when he felt his fangs recede would he look at her. Eyes welling up as well, he nodded. "Okay." Gently he caressed her face and then kissed her. She wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, sobbing. She felt so ashamed for hurting him again, again and again and again... "I--I'm s-sorry...I do...want to...but I can't...I wan'ed so much to have," she swallowed convulsively, almost choking, "t-to have a little girl for you..." "Shhhh," he whispered, putting his finger over her lips. "If you're not ready, you're not ready." He kissed her forehead and her sad eyes. "I want that little girl too." He continued to kiss her face, murmuring soothing noises. "I love you, Bryn. And when you're ready, I'll Transform you. Not a moment before." It took her several minutes to calm down completely. Eyes feeling swollen, she quietly said, "I'm sorry. I didn't want to disappoint you, and I know I did because I saw that look on your face." She sniffled, pulling him closer so she could press her face against the crook of his neck. "I love you so much. I don't want you to think I was rejecting you." "I know you're not rejecting me, Bryn." He gently stroked the back of her head, turning slightly to kiss her ear. "I would hate myself if I Transformed you, and then found out that you weren't ready." He gently nibbled on the top of her ear. "I love you so much, Bryn. I'm patient. I can wait." She wrapped her arms and legs tighter around him, clutching him possessively. He was still snugly fit inside her, and she squeezed him there as well. Pressing her lips to his cheek and then his ear, she softly whispered, "I haven't taken any of my birth control pills. With everything that happened with Lindy and Nate, I forgot all about them." He paused for a moment. He knew there was a chance she could get pregnant again. He didn't think it would happen so quickly after Max being born. But it wasn't fully his decision. "Do you want me to stop?" he whispered, nuzzling her cheek. She pulled back to meet his gaze and solemnly shook her head. "No. Do you want to stop?" "No." He kissed her lips softly, and then with growing passion. His erection hadn't flagged inside of her. Slowly he began moving his hips, one hand starting to stroke her nipple. "I don't ever want to stop." "I don't ever want you to stop." She felt herself becoming flushed, suffused with joy. Maybe her body wasn't ready for another pregnancy so soon, but her mind was. And she could feel her whole heart swelling with happiness. Sliding her hands down his back, she began to move with him. Still kissing his mouth. Squeezing his ass gently with every withdrawal. [Please, God, let me give him a daughter...] His thrust started coming faster, rubbing his whole body against her. He was going to show her how much he loved her, and how he'd never stop loving her. If not by Transforming her, then by making her cum so hard she saw stars. And if he didn't get her pregnant tonight, there was always the next. And the night after that. He continued to play his tongue over hers, sucking deeply on her mouth. She opened her legs wider, planting her feet against the bed so she could lift herself into his thrusts. He was giving her goose bumps, grazing all the right places. He knew exactly where to touch her, just how to move his hips, how she liked to be kissed. Anton knew her so well...how could she ever imagine that they'd stop loving each other? Her love and desire shining plainly in her eyes, she stared up at him, as she slid her hands down further on his ass, allowing her fingers to press lightly against his perineum. Anton threw his head back, crying out. He pushed up a little so he could watch her face as his thrusts grew more forceful. Arching over her, Anton nipped at her lips before kissing her again, all the time feeling he tingling growing in his groin. She wanted to scream, it felt so good. The hard slams of his hips were making her clit tingle and throb, sending little sparks of electricity through her veins. Squeezing him tightly inside her, she arched her head back, a low moan leaving her throat, and rippled into orgasm. Pressing her fingers down hard, she felt him buck his hips against her and grinned. He cried out again, hips convulsing against hers as he came. Panting and smiling, he lowered himself against her, nuzzling the side of her neck. He found one of her hands and interlaced their fingers. He sighed in contentment, not moving from her. Sabryn wrapped her other arm around his neck, keeping him tucked against her. Her legs curled around his thighs, heels nestling in between his calves. She didn't want to move an inch, and closed her eyes in concentration, imagining herself getting pregnant, in the hope it would really happen. She kissed Anton gently, lightly sucking on his lower lip, then murmured, "I love you, sugar." "I love you too, my dear," he whispered, kissing her cheek. He nestled a little more against her. "And I'll always love you, Bryn." Now if he could only get her to believe it. She tightened her grip on him, thinking the very same thing. Growing drowsy, she started slightly when the shutters on the windows began their mechanical whir. The room gradually became darker, but just as she started to get sleepy, she heard Max cry out, obviously awakened by the shutters as well. "I should go get him. He might be hungry again." "Okay." Reluctantly he pulled out of her and rolled off of her. He watched as she went to the crib and picked up their son. [How can she believe that I would leave her? Why? Is it something I've done? Said? Some fragment of memory of Alexandra's?] He bit his lip to keep from sighing, puzzled as to why she didn't believe him. Max's hand latched on to her necklace the minute she picked him up. Kissing his forehead, she said, "Did those noisy shutters wake you up? Poor little boy. You never get any sleep, do you?" Walking back to the bed, she gently rubbed his back and slid under the covers again. She waited while Anton propped up her pillows, then smiled at him. "There's your Daddy, Max. You've got the best daddy in the whole wide world, don't you?" "And he has the best mommy in the world as well." He watched, smiling tenderly as Max started to nurse from Bryn. This moment seemed so perfect on the outside, but he couldn't help but continue to think about what she had said earlier. ["I don't believe that love lasts more than twenty or so years." Well, if I have anything to say, Bryn, you will.] End Chapter Eighty-four <- Previous Chapter | Home | Next Chapter ->