Chapter Eighty-seven It had been long night for them all, and Lindy was more than ready to fall asleep. Despite Mulder's threats the night before to delve into Nate's past, they had spent their counseling session going over her issues, reinforcing the breakthrough she had the other night. And then Liam had been a bit fussy, not wanting to go to bed with the full moon coming up the next night. But she and Nate had eventually gotten him to settle down. She was finishing brushing out her hair, sitting in front of the vanity, wondering what Nathaniel was thinking of everything. She'd thought he was in the kitchen, but as he walked up behind her she noticed that he'd come from their closet. Meeting his gaze in the mirror, she smiled, then frowned slightly as he swept a large white object in front of her. It settled on her legs, spilling on to her feet, and he held the delicate lace straps against her shoulders. She let out a small gasp as she gazed at the ivory silk nightgown in the mirror. Even without her lupine sense of smell, she could easily see that it was an antique. With elegant embroidery around the bodice and a floor-length flowing skirt, it was simply beautiful. The little seed pearls on the lace straps accented the luminous color. Whomever had owned it had obviously taken good care of it. It didn't have a spot of yellow discoloration anywhere. "Oh my God, it's gorgeous," she whispered. She stood up, holding the gown against her. It looked like it was just the right length so it would barely brush the ground when she wore it. "I hope you don't mind getting part of your Valentine's day gift a little early. I had a coconspirator, in case you're wondering where I got it." "Coconspirator?" She looked up into his grin. "Who?" "Well, two actually. Maureen from work said she knew your size and picked it out, and Anton actually brought it home last night." "Wow.Ó She ran a hand up and down the silk of the skirt. "It's just absolutely beautiful. I don't know what else to say, except thank you." She leaned over and kissed his cheek. "Do you want me to try it on now?" He smirked at her. "That would be nice. Just let me get comfortable." She turned around and watched as he made a big production out of taking off his shoes and socks. He stretched his feet and flexed his toes, groaning in obvious delight. Her breath caught as he grabbed the hem of his T-shirt and slowly started tugging it up and over his head. He stretched his arms and ribcage, once again moaning and groaning. By the time he got to his jeans, she was having a little trouble breathing. He gave her a devilish grin, and she knew he knew she was watching him. Nate undid his fly and then stretched again, letting his jeans ride down his hips slightly. She swallowed as he turned around and slipped his jeans over his ass and down his legs. The tight cotton briefs did nothing to hide his well muscled ass, and Lindy could almost see every curve. He looked back over his shoulders and grinned at her dumbfounded expression. "You going to put it on, baby?" "Uh...yeah. She started unbuttoning her blouse. They hadn't resumed making love yet and to be honest, she wasn't sure that she was quite ready, even with the breakthroughs she had experienced. But at this moment, she was just wondering if she could keep her hands off of him tonight. He flopped down on the bed, lacing his hands together behind his head as he watched her. He hoped she wasn't too off-put by his growing erection. If she showed the slightest bit of discomfort, he'd put his jeans back on a minute. He'd wear a space suit if she wanted him to. But nothing would stop his arousal. All she had to do was smile at him and he was weak in the knees. Undressing in front of him--pure fantasy come alive. She let her blouse slip off her arms and fall to the floor. But before she went any further, she toed off her shoes, and pulled her socks off. Then her hands went to the catch on her bra. She was blushing under Nate's scrutiny, but she didn't stop. Adding her bra to the pile of socks and blouse, she quickly and almost shyly pulled the gown on, adjusting the straps. Reaching under the skirt, she undid her jeans and dropped them. Rubbing his hand over his face, he tried to pretend that he hadn't just seen her shy away from his gaze. He'd thought that she was getting better, that they'd soon be able to return to their normal--well, normal since Liam anyway--sex life. It didn't look likely that would happen anytime soon. Feeling his interest wane a bit, he sat up straighter and smiled at her. "You look beautiful, Lind. But then you've never needed embellishments. You were always the prettiest thing I ever laid eyes on." She blushed again, walking towards the bed. "Thanks for being so patient with me, Nate. I know this hasn't been easy on you." She sat down on her side of it. "This must be worse than when we went back to visit my parents and they gave us the one bed to sleep in." He settled the blankets over his lap and then bent his knees, lazily propping up his arms as he looked at her. "No, it's not. That was difficult because I knew you wanted me, too." As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he winced. "I'm sorry, that didn't come out right. I mean that then I wasn't worried about you getting well. This time I'd rather you were completely healthy than worry about sex." Lindy shrugged and twisted around to match Nate's pose. "I don't get it. I thought after last night, all the guilt and shame would be gone. And I trust you, but I can't get over this last hurdle." She slumped slightly, as if admitting defeat. He reached out to grasp her foot, grateful when she didn't flinch. Merely holding that much of her made him lightheaded. He didn't tug on her or try to pull her closer, but simply gave her the comfort of his touch. "Either you will or won't, Lindy. It doesn't matter. I'm not going to love you any less if we never have sex again. I just want you to be comfortable with me. To trust me. That's what I really need from you." She scooted closer to him, leaning her head on his shoulder. She breathed deeply, inhaling his scent. "I do trust you, Nate. I'd be over at my parents' if I didn't." She looked up at him through her lashes. "You'd really be okay if we never had sex again? 'Cause I don't think I would be." "I'm not saying I'd be 'okay' with it...I'm saying I'd deal with it. If it helped you and made you feel better not to have sex, then that's what we would do. I wouldn't like it, and I'd probably get frustrated, but that would be my problem and not yours." He lifted his hand from her foot and gently reached around her to hug her closer. "Although, saying that, I'd have to take an awful lot of cold showers." She put her arm around him, leaning even closer. She rested her forehead against his shoulder. To be honest, she wasn't sure why she was having problems with her libido. Marrok hadn't touched her and made clear his disdain for vampires. The desire was there, but she still didn't act on it. "You do look very lovely in this gown. I'm glad it fits. I thought you deserved something nice, and I knew it had to be an antique...well, because I thought you might be missing your job." He lightly stroked her hair, careful not to make any sudden movements. Although she didn't seem skittish, he knew she'd been thinking about her abduction and earlier abuse a lot lately, and he didn't want to scare her. "Have you given anymore thought to that? I'm sure Anton would save your job for you, no matter how much time you needed to take off." Eyes shut, she didn't flinch as he touched her. "I don't know. I really love my job, but I don't know how much more time off I want to take. And Anton does need someone there, even if it's not me doing it. It just doesn't seem fair to make him hold the position because I might be coming back, or have him fill it and then have to demote someone because IÕve returned. Of course..." She lifted her head to look at him. "I might not be coming back because I'd be helping you with the restaurant you wanted to open." He gave her a small smile. "That would be nice, but I'm not planning to pick that back up again for a while, Lind. I'd like to wait until you start making more progress in therapy, and...until we know whether or not Marrok is still a threat to us. I don't really want to take my eyes off you or Liam, if that's the case." Lindy nodded, rubbing her hand against his far shoulder. "I just don't want to see your dream be pushed aside. But you're right. We should stick close to home for the moment." She relaxed a bit more against him. "I don't want to take my eyes off of you or Liam either." She gave him an impish grin, the first he had seen in a long time. "Although for slightly different reasons for each of you." He arched an eyebrow, the corner of his mouth lifting. "Oh...and what would those be?" "Well...Liam I want to watch grow up, and protect him, like any parent would. You, on the other hand, are just so handsome, I can barely take my eyes off of you." She reached up and gently stroked the side of his face. Nate bit his tongue, trying to control the surge of lust that her light touch produced. Reaching up, he grasped her hand, holding it as he turned his head and kissed her palm. His voice was barely a whisper as he said, "I love you, Alinda. I would cut off my hands if I thought they'd ever hurt you. Please let me hold you, tonight? Please let me kiss you. I swear I won't ask for anything more." "Yes," she whispered. She let him wrap his arms around her, pull her in close. She let him lower him to her to their mattress and lay next to and partially on top of her. And she pulled him in closer as he covered his lips with hers. She let her eyes drift shut as he gently pulled on her lower lip. [I may have just slit my own throat,] Nate thought. It was increasingly hard for him to keep from getting aroused. It was increasingly hard, period. He shifted his hips to the side a bit, hoping to keep her from noticing. There was no use pointing out the obvious. She already knew she drove him crazy. And he knew he might just die a second time if she never wanted sex again. He'd meant what he said to her...of course he'd deal with it. Until it killed him. Stroking his hand over her shoulder and up her neck, he cupped the back of her head as he lightly teased her lips with his tongue. She parted her lips, lightly reaching out to stroke his tongue with her own. Part of her felt guilty, no matter how much he reassured her, about not being ready yet to make love to him. She knew it was difficult on him - she had eyes and she could feel his arousal. And at the same time, it reaffirmed for her how much he loved her that he wasn't demanding that she put out to satisfy him. Tentatively, her hands rubbed over his well muscled back. He couldn't help it--he let out a small moan. He thrust his tongue against her, teasing the roof of her mouth, tracing the inner side of her teeth. As much as he wanted to roll onto his back and pull her with him, grinding her pelvis against his, he held back the impulse. It was too soon for her. But that didn't stop him from subtly rocking his hips, rubbing his erection against the mattress. And it didn't keep him from sliding his hand lower, on to her upper chest, just barely skimming the beginning swell of her breasts. She wanted, no needed, a little more than that. Placing her hand over his, she guided his hand downward to cup her breast fully, palm against her tight nipple. She continued to kiss him, sucking on his tongue. That was as far as she was comfortable going. He lightly squeezed her, enjoying the feel of her soft body. For the last few weeks, he'd felt as if he was sleeping on a bed of nails. The mattress was so uncomfortable compared to her soft frame, and he missed being able to drape himself over her like a winter blanket. He missed her comforting smell surrounding him, her hands touching him, the soft sound of her breathing during the day. Although they still slept in the same bed, it felt as if she was a mile away. Keeping a hand safely tucked around her arm or stomach was nothing compared to having her spooned against his body. Lazily rubbing his thumb across her nipple, he sucked firmly at her tongue...feeling a quivering begin in his groin. As much as he didn't want to cum in his pants, it didn't look like he was going to have a choice. She whimpered, feeling him trace over her breast. Even through the embroidered fabric, she could feel the heat of his body. She missed that warmth being on top of her, or nestled beside her as they slept, or did other things. Her breathing became heavier, and she surprised herself by slipping her hand down to cup one firm globe of his ass. His hips jerked in surprise, sending a hard jolt of pleasure through his cock. And he cried out suddenly as he started to cum. Face buried in the curve of her neck, he continued to rock his pelvis, shudders wracking him, until the climax passed. Breath hot and heavy against her skin, he squeezed her breast again. "That's not the first time you've done that to me...and probably not the last." He pressed his lips to her skin. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come on so strong." She gently stroked his back, tracing her fingers over his skin. "It's okay, Nate," she whispered. "I'm glad that you had some release, even if it wasn't the one that you're used to." Lindy pressed her lips to his forehead. "I'm all right, honest." He lightly rubbed her with his thumb again, lifting up to kiss her lips. "I should go clean up. We can pick this up again later...or we can just go to bed. Whatever you want to do. If you want, I can even bring Liam in here. I--I don't want you to think I'm just getting off and leaving." "I know you're not, Nate." She kissed him once more lightly. "I've just about hit my limit tonight, I think. Why don't you clean up and then we'll just cuddle together. And what happens, happens." "All right." He stroked the side of her face, then got up to open the dresser. Pulling out a new pair of underwear, he walked to the bathroom and partially closed the door. He walked only a few steps away, in his sticky shorts, before leaning against the wall. His head fell back limply on his shoulders. [Cuddle? I'm going to go through a lot of underwear...] The first of Nate's sessions with Mulder started at 10pm the next evening. More precisely at 10:04 and eighteen seconds. He knew because he kept an eye on the clock, checking back as often as he could. There was no way that he'd let Mulder get away with more than the required hour. Reclined, his legs stretched out on the foot rest at the end of the couch, he tried to imagine his 'safe place'. It was a rather stupid theory, really. If Mulder expected him to climb into some ethereal hammock and dream sweet dreams, it wasn't going to happen. He only had one real safe place...in the arms of the woman sitting next to him. So, like a good little soldier, he imagined her arms closing around him. She would smile softly and tuck his head against her shoulder, maybe rubbing his back to soothe his flustered nerves. Lindy's touch always had a surprising contradiction...one moment it gently lulled him, and yet in another moment it would arouse him to the point of insanity. Feeling a small smile curve his lips, he mentally pushed away that response. This wasn't the time, and certainly not the space. Lindy had caught the small smile, although she was pretty sure that Mulder didn't know it's significance. She had seen it often, usually before Nate climbed on top of her, or she on him. She sighed slightly, earning a curious stare from Mulder. Lindy shook her head. She knew this wasn't what Nate wanted to be doing at all. But Mulder had been insistent. They both needed help. But Nate still had been stubborn, and refused until she asked him. Only then did he agree. Seeing that his patient was looking more relaxed, if only vaguely, Mulder started in on his questions. "Nathaniel, I think the best way to approach the issue's you're concerned about is to start out with recent events and how they coincide with Lindy's therapy. With that in mind, how have your moods been lately?" "Fine." "Could you elaborate, please?" Nate sighed inwardly. "I worry. More for Lindy than myself. I worry that she doesn't seem to have much interest in going back to work--to a job she loved, before Marrok...took her." He cleared his throat. "I worry that Marrok will try something again, and either hurt Lindy or Liam. That my wife will become withdrawn and virtually housebound, like Bryn. I worry that she'll be afraid and unable to trust people, myself included. Sometimes I even worry that she'll want to move to a different room and not sleep with me anymore." "You worry about sex?" "Yes." "And?" "That she won't even want me to touch her anymore, to hold her." "How does that feel?" "Lousy, what do you think?" He couldn't help the hostility in his voice. "I may be inhuman, but I still have feelings." "And you think she's rejecting you. That somehow you're a catalyst for her pain?" Silence. Then, finally, "Yes." "You think you're to blame for how she feels. Do you think you're to blame for what happened to her that night?" "No. I think I'm to blame for not finding her sooner. For not doing something--anything--to get her out of there." Tears were starting to leak out of the corner of here eyes. Lindy had known that Nate was carrying a burden, but hadn't realized how heavy it was. And she had tried to tell him before that it wasn't his fault. None of it was. But it was clear that her message hadn't gotten through to him. Mulder kept his attention focused on Nate for the moment. "And what should you have done? Specifically?" "Anything. I could've--I was right there, on his property. Standing there in plain sight of his daughter. Maybe if I'd taken something of his, if I took the girl, he'd know what it feels like to feel out of control." "Don't you think he already knows? You have his son, after all." Nate's eyes opened at that statement. "We didn't take Liam! We didn't steal him, he was left there to die and God's knows what else could've happened to him! He was a hell of a lot--" "All right, all right. Calm down. Close your eyes and relax." He waited patiently until Nate complied. Ê"I'm not saying that Marrok is right or that he even deserves to have his son. What I'm trying to tell you is that your solution wouldn't really solve anything. There was nothing you could've done that you weren't already doing." Nate was stubbornly silent, his face scrunched into a scowl. He even had his arms crossed. Sighing, Mulder continued. "I think deep down you know that, don't you? I think your real problem is a fear that she blames you for not doing more. Has that thought ever crossed your mind?" Again, a long moment of silence. "Yes." "But I don't." Lindy wiped at her eyes with her fingers. "I was the one who..." Mulder put up his hand, shushing her for a moment. "Lindy has told you before, several times, that she doesn't blame you for anything that happened. Not her abduction, and not you being unable to find her. Why don't you believe her?" "Because I don't understand why--" He sighed heavily, the sentence forgotten. He took several long minutes to gather his thoughts...or maybe to gather his courage. Well aware that she was sitting right next to him, he didn't want to say anything too bluntly. Too accusatory. "If she really meant that, she wouldn't be sickened by the thought of me touching her. She wouldn't sleep with four or five inches of space between us. And she wouldn't freak out at the thought of me making love to her." "Has it ever occurred to you that her response has nothing to do with you? That she might be reacting to a memory, mental or physical, that is too painful for her to endure with you as a witness?" Nate opened his eyes, tired of this 'relaxation shit'. It was getting him nowhere, and he'd much rather look Mulder in the eye while the man spouted psycho-babble in his face. "Don't give me that shrink talk, Mulder. I'm not stupid. I know she has memories, and I know they're painful. I know all about trauma and regressing, and how she must feel like crap because of what this is doing to us. I'm perfectly aware that she's afraid of experiencing that again. But I'm not just her husband. I'm her vampire mate--and that means a hell of a lot more than a few vows and a signed certificate. That means that her pain is MY pain, I suffer with her, and I sure as hell would do nothing to hurt her. There is not a thing she can't tell me, not a moment when she has to fear that I might think poorly of her. It means I am the only person, out of billions, who she can trust. I am the only one who can get her past this, who will hold her hand the entire way. You may think you're solving all of her problems with your 'therapy', but in the end you're nothing but a questionnaire. I'm her forever, and she knows it." He turned to Lindy. "'And what do you think, Lindy?" Lindy took a deep sigh and leaned back, forearms resting on her thighs, eyes closed. "He is my mate forever, and he says that the pain is ours. But he forgets that I'm the one who has to live the pain. And I know that it isn't his fault. I just don't know how to tell him any more." She let out another sigh. "And I feel guilty that I haven't slept with him since then. It's not that I don't want to. I trust him more than anyone in the world. But whenever I think about us making love I...." "You what?" "I'm afraid I'm going to wake up and find out this is all a dream again. That I'm going to be back in that cold, dank cellar." Nate turned his head to stare at her, brow furrowed. [She's making excuses. Not even very good ones.] "That's your explanation? You couldn't come up with anything better than that?" "Well what the hell do you want me to say?" Lindy turned to him, angry and still crying. "You want to know what I'm really thinking? Fine. I'm waiting for you to leave me. Again. I'm waiting for you to blame me for something I had no control over, using the mistake I made as an excuse and leave me. Again. And this time, I'm not going to be able to survive it." He let out a sigh, half-relief and half-regret. Swallowing, he lowered the foot rest and turned to face her. He reached out to touch her face, preparing himself for when she'd push him away and surprised when she didn't. Cupping her jaw, he used his thumb to wipe away some of her tears. "Yes, that's what I wanted to know, sweetheart. And now that I do, maybe we can fix it." Carefully leaning forward, he kissed her forehead, lingering there, his own eyes welling with tears. His voice was barely audible when he finally spoke, certainly not loud enough for Mulder to hear. "I'm so sorry I hurt you, Lindara. I was a stupid kid, barely bright enough to light a candle. Certainly not smart enough to keep you, and definitely not enough to deserve you. I wish I could take back what I did to you...I wish I could go back in time, run after you, and drop to my knees begging forgiveness. But I can't do that. I can only beg your forgiveness now. I am so, so sorry, solnyshko moyo. You are the only one I ever loved. The only one I will ever love." She trembled, sniffling and nodding. She wanted to believe him so badly, to soothe the ache in her heart. She took both of his hands in hers, lowering them to her lap. ÒYa prahshoy tibya," she whispered back softly. "Nyet. You don't forgive me, not yet. But you will. I promise." Despite her hold on his hands, he pulled them free and wrapped his arms around her instead. He pulled her close, letting his lips brush her ear as he continued to talk. "I know I made a mistake, one that cost me dearly. And I know I must work for atonement. But I will not give up. I will not walk away. And I'll be damned for eternity if I make the same mistake twice. I love you, Lindy. Do you understand what that means? I'm not a man who takes those words lightly. I have said them to only two women in my life, and one of those was my mother. When I tell you I love you, I mean it with my entire body, all of my heart, my mind, and every single bit of my soul. I love you and I will never walk away from you again. I love you and there's not a single thing you could do or say to change that. I love you and no one else could change that. I love you today, tomorrow, and forever afterwards. I love you until I can't see straight, until I can breathe without you, until it isn't worth existing if I can't see you smile. I love you in happiness and sadness, anger and despair. I love you every second of the day, week, month, and year. I love you, Lindy. Only you. Always you." She couldn't stop crying as she rested her forehead on his shoulder. She wanted to believe him so badly, and part of her did. But the older part of her that was Lindara didn't. Not yet. Not sure how to answer him, she leaned closer to him, let him hold her tighter. He crushed her to his chest, wrapping his arms as securely around her as he could. He could feel he was barely making a dent in the thick steel wall she'd built around herself. It wasn't just his abandonment of Lindara that was holding him back, but also Marrok, her abuser as a child, her biological mother, her father, the fear of losing Liam, the fear of being vulnerable, and every other single wrong she could ever remember being committed upon her. From a few traumatic days in that dark cellar, she was back to being that little girl again. The frightened young woman who shielded herself from the world. It had taken her over ten years to weaken the barriers surrounding her, and in hours it built back just as strong as ever. He knew it might take him months, years, to even get through to her. There was no telling what would happen if he upset that delicate balance again. Determined not to have another setback, he lifted his head and looked at Mulder. "We're done for today. We can pick this up some other time. Not now. I'm not telling you anything else." Mulder nodded in agreement. Lindy was clearly too fragile to continue on right now. "We'll continue on tomorrow night." Lindy nodded, even though she wasn't sure if Mulder could see the movement. Tucked in against Nate's neck, she didn't want to move. She was tired and just wanted to go to sleep. Or at the very least stay safely in his arms. "I'll see myself out," Mulder said quietly, standing up. "Please call me if you need to talk, or anything else." Nate nodded absently, barely noticing as Mulder walked out of the room. Slipping his arm under Lindy's legs, he lifted her up for a moment, settled down fully on the couch, and then settled her down on top of him. He yanked down the blanket from the back of the couch, draping it over her, and then wrapped his arms tightly around her again. "It's okay, Lind. You let me take care of everything. Your mom will be here later to bring Liam back, but she can let herself in. You just stay here with me and relax. Neither one of us is going anywhere." Sniffling, she rested her head on his chest, listening to his heart beat. She truly wanted to believe everything he said. But she couldn't. Not yet. But he hadn't proven untrustworthy in this lifetime at least. She felt so confused. Holding onto his arms tight, she snuggled closer to him. "I'm sorry," she whispered. He kissed the top of her head, lingering to smell her hair. "You don't have anything to be sorry for, baby. I made a mistake. I was the one in the wrong, and I should've apologized sooner." Squeezing his eyes shut, he slowly pulled in a shuddering breath. "I'm so sorry I've been pushing you lately. I know I said it was okay if we didn't have sex, and I do mean that. It's just taking me a little while to get used to it. I know it's stupid of me to ask you to be patient, so I'll just try harder. I'd become a monk if you asked me to. I just want to be with you...to be near you. It doesn't have to be anything more than that." She nodded against his chest. "I want to be near you, Nate. I wouldn't be so upset if I didn't want to be near you." She sighed, closing her eyes. "Part of me is just so afraid, and I don't know how to deal with it. I want to believe what you say but..." She tightened her grip on his biceps and opened her eyes. "Please, don't leave me." Lifting his hands to frame her face, he felt tears spill out of his eyes. His face felt so unbearably hot and tight, suffocating, and he had to breathe through his mouth. "Never," he said, staring into her eyes. He leaned closer, pressing his lips to her forehead, shuddering with emotion. "I'll never do something so stupid again. Never leave you again. I swear to God, Lindy, I'll never leave you again." She didn't know what more to say. She was tired and just wanted to be held by and to hold him. Lindy reached up and kissed his cheek lightly before resting hers on his shoulder, wiping away his tears with her thumb. Wishing with all her heart that she could believe him. "I'm going to take you away from here. I know it's inconsiderate to leave when Mulder is here, but he still has Anton and Bryn to deal with. I think you could use a break. I think we both could. I'll make the reservations tomorrow. Then you'll have a whole week to relax, just us and Liam." He closed his eyes, aware that she probably wouldn't respond. "I think it will be good for both of us." [What doesn't kill us...right, kid?] He had been tempted while at the office to come up with an excuse to not meet with Mulder this evening. Yes, a shipment had arrived, but George was more than capable of inventorying and removing pieces that needed repair or touch ups. There was no need for his personal supervision of it. But the thought of how disappointed Bryn would be kept him from chickening out. So he arrived home a few minutes before their agreed on time, hoping to have a few minutes alone with his wife and son first. No such luck though. Mulder was already there. "My session with Nate and Lindy ended a bit early. I hope you don't mind." "It's no problem." Anton nodded and took a seat on the couch beside Bryn, ready to get this over with. Leaning closer to him, Bryn took the opportunity to welcome him home, giving him a warm smile and a brief, soft kiss. "If you need some time to...relax or change your clothes, I can wait," Mulder said. Anton shook his head. "No, I'm fine." Although he looked like he could use a few minutes to relax, himself, Mulder nodded and got down to business. "Why don't you tell me what happened after the last time we talked? Did the two of you have a chance to discuss the session?" "Yes we did." Anton sat stiffly, clearly not at all at ease. "We discussed what Bryn said about me not lying to her." Mulder sensed there was more. "And what else?" "We also discussed that I was slightly jealous." "And why do you feel that way, Anton?" "Because I'm her husband. I've been telling her that I love her unconditionally for so long, and the first time she believes it she tells a stranger instead of me." Bryn turned slightly to face him, taking hold of his hand and squeezing. Resisting the urge to crawl into his lap and hug him. She knew that had been hard for him to admit, and she was a bit ashamed that she'd made him feel that way. They'd discussed it, and he said he forgave her...but she listened closely to make sure that he really did. "What's your response to that, Bryn?" She continued to look at Anton as she spoke. "I didn't mean to hurt him, and if I could've, I would have told him first. But I didn't even realize I'd made the connection until I already said it." She squeezed Anton's hand again, speaking to him instead of Mulder. "Does it upset you more that I said it to him first, or that it took me so long to believe you? Anton, I love you so much and I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to make up for hurting you." Anton lightly squeezed her hand back. "It's a bit of both. I know you have trust issues, and that it's hard for you to believe me before. I wish you had been able too sooner. But given your past, I know that may not have been possible. It's not something I blame you for, I just wish things could have been different. That's all." She nodded, holding his hand with both of hers. There wasn't anything either of them could do to change the way things happened, so she knew she should just let it go. Although the temptation to keep worrying about it was gnawing at her conscience. Seeing that they were both done speaking, Mulder said, "All right. I guess my next question would be: do you believe her, Anton? Does she really believe you'll always love her, or is she just humoring you?" "I believe her," Anton said firmly. "I can't explain what the difference is this time, but there is a change and I believe that she believes me." "And if she's wrong and she falters in her belief?" "Then I do what it takes for her to believe again." Mulder nodded. He could sense that Anton was either bored, or unwilling to talk about the situation. Either way, he'd gotten all of the information he needed for now. At the moment their marriage seemed to be solid. He would watch them carefully for any changes. "How old are you, Anton?" "One thousand and fourteen years old." "Where were you born?" Anton took a deep breath. "I don't know." "You don't know?" "From what Bryn has remembered, and what I've been told by...a friend of the family, I was born at my father's estate in Novgorod, Russia. But I never knew that until a few months ago. I'd always been told that I was left by my parents, and found by the count's villeins. That I was given to Ivan as sort of a sacrifice. They said his wife, Katerina, took pity on me and begged to raise me as her own son. In reality, I was her biological son by another man." Mulder raised an eyebrow. "That must've been hard for the count...Ivan, to swallow. Was that apparent in the way you were raised?" "Somewhat," Anton said. "I was basically ignored by him, unless I was into mischief, until I was eight years old." "And what happened to change that?" Anton was quiet, clearly disturbed. Mulder didn't think he was going to answer when the vampire spoke again. "I was assaulted when I was eight, and Ivan walked in during it." Bryn squeezed his hand tightly, lifting her other hand to gently rub his shoulder, very proud of him. She knew that had to be the hardest thing he'd ever done. Not only did it show a huge amount of courage, but it also opened up a great deal of heart ache. Like ripping open a badly healed wound. She only hoped this time it would mend correctly. Keeping her touch firm and constant, she tried to keep him in the moment. To keep him from regressing. She didn't want him to have to go through this alone. Anton squeezed her hand, grateful that Bryn was there beside him. He wouldn't have even considered speaking about this if it hadn't been for her. If Mulder had been surprised by his revelation, he didn't show it. "Can you tell me what happened?" Anton closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "There had been a soldier in Ivan's guard who was a pedophile. Even as a young child I sensed that he was a threat. Most of the time I had been able to avoid him. But that one time..." "He followed me to my room and forced me to perform oral sex on him. But he wasn't satisfied with that. Before he actually raped me, Ivan was there. I don't know if he was suspicious, or if it was just luck." "And what did he do?" "He killed Viktor. Fed on him in front of me.Ó Anton paused. ÒIt wasn't a fast death." Listening to him be so matter-of-fact as he talked about being 'forced' and 'raped' made Bryn's throat squeeze. Some disgusting and perverted man had his penis in the mouth of a terrified and horrified little boy, threatening him, beating him, hurting him irreversibly. It was a sickening image, made about a million times worse by the fact that it was her Anton. Her scared little boy. Her secretive and wounded man. She swallowed heavily, amazed that she still could. She felt such hatred, such consuming rage--for a man who had died over a thousand years ago. She clung to Anton's shirt sleeve, her eyes remaining locked on his face. She wouldn't let him see her turn away...for fear he might mistake it as disgust of him. [I love you so much, Anton. You're so brave. And I'm so proud of you.] "And what happened after Ivan...fed...on him?" Anton's eyes opened and focused on the far edge of the coffee table between himself and Mulder. He was aware of Bryn's hand on his arm, the only thing that was keeping him grounded in the present. "Ivan...Father checked me over to see how badly hurt I was. Dressed me with his own hands. Hugged me for the first time that I could recall and told me that everything would be all right." Anton slowly blinked, not looking at Mulder nor Bryn. "He had my quarters shifted that night to rooms closer to his and Mother's. Something was said to the soldiers and the servants, but from the looks I got, I knew that they knew. But nothing was said. He told me not to speak of it to anyone. Not the servants, the soldiers, not Mother, and not even him." A lone tear reflected the lamplight in the corner of his left eye, but it didn't fall. "And because I wanted his love and approval so badly, I didn't. No matter how badly it hurt." Mulder swallowed, his gaze meeting Bryn's. He could clearly see that she was almost as distressed as Anton. Also that she was begging him not to force Anton much further. He had to agree. For a first session, they'd already uncovered a huge issue that would need to be discussed much further. But that would take time and patience, from all of them. "This is the first time you've spoken of it, isn't it? Aside from telling your wife?" Anton nodded, a slight incline of his head. "You must have loved him very much to hold that secret from your mother, Anton. Either that...or very afraid of him. Which was it?" Anton swallowed carefully. "Both. For as long as I could remember, I had wanted his affection and approval. This was a way I could earn it. But at the same time, I had just seen him coldly kill a man. And even before I was eight, I knew that it could have easily been me." Bryn frowned at that. He'd never told her that before. She knew Ivan could be forbidding. Cold and distant. But she never knew Anton thought Ivan might kill him. Yet another thing they'd have to discuss later. "Did Ivan know you were afraid of him?" Anton shook his head. "I don't know. I don't think so. He didn't do anything to make me think that...until he killed Viktor, that is. Before that, it was things the servants told me." "Were you ever close to Ivan?" "I thought I was," Anton answered. "But given what I recently learned about my true parentage, I don't know any more. My relationship with him was better than the one between him an Nathaniel, but just marginally. At least until I was Transformed," he said quietly. "Only then did it seem that we became closer. And only after I had spent time away from him." "How old were you when you were Transformed?" "Thirty-two." "And you were still living at your parent's...estate? You didn't marry during that time?" "No. I courted a few ladies, but none that ever interested me that long. Ivan knew that I would never inherit, so he promised me a large share of his estate. I figured that I was set financially, so it was in my best interest to marry for love. I was willing to wait for the right person." "But being Transformed must have changed that considerably." Mulder watched him for a moment. "Did you ask to be Transformed, or did Ivan take it upon himself to do so?" "Ivan chose to do it to keep me from dying. I was suicidal after Mother died, and had slit my wrists after fighting with him. Again, I don't know if the servants said something or if it was luck or fate, but he was there before I died and Transformed me." "What did you fight about?" "If he loved Mother so much, why didn't he Transform her. Now I understand why, but then..." Anton shook his head. "Were you angry at him for saving your life? What was life like after that? "Somewhere in there I changed my mind and decided I want to live, but I was certain I'd bleed to death anyway. He did save me, and I was grateful for that...but I couldn't stay there with him--" "You left? With his permission?" "Yes," Anton said. "I think Father knew that I needed time to come to terms with everything that had happened - Mother's death and my Transformation. Mother had been a very religious woman, and early on it had been her wish that I become a priest. Ivan had allowed me to study at the Monastery of the Caves, but had me recalled when Mother took ill and before I took the order. It was there I returned." "And the priests allowed a vampire in their midst?" "Yes, because Mother's nephew, my cousin," he amended, "was the abbot. We had come to an agreement. I would restrict my feeding to those who were literally dying or to wild game and leave the other pilgrims and priests and livestock alone. In return, I would be granted shelter. And I stayed there for over 50 years, until Ivan asked me to come home." "Why did he ask?" "He wanted me home for the wedding. He was ready to take a new wife. Nathaniel's mother. Practically overnight, I gained a stepmother and a brother." Mulder nodded. They would continue their discussion about his stepfamily in the coming days. For now he wanted to focus on the most important factor of Anton's development. "What was it like, becoming a vampire? I know you experienced moments of it in your father's presence, but the majority of it you had to go through on your own. That must have been incredibly frightening." "It was." Anton's caution started to rear its head. He wasn't fully comfortable discussing this with Mulder, or anyone who wasn't intimately involved with or was possibly becoming a vampire. Sensing that a wall had slammed down, Mulder backed off the question. "I think we've covered enough for tonight. But I want you to think about it some, and we'll resume this later tomorrow night." Anton didn't look to pleased but nodded. He reached over with his free hand to rest it on Bryn's hand, which was still clutching his arm. She gave him a small smile, looking relieved that it was over. "I guess I'll see you both tomorrow at the usual time." Focusing his gaze on his patient, he said, "You did very well today, Anton. I hope you realize that." When Anton didn't reply, Mulder nodded towards the door. "I'll, uh, let myself out. Good night." "Good night," Bryn said quietly, but chose to focus her gaze on her husband instead of the man leaving the room. Leaning closer to Anton, she pressed her lips to his cheek, gently kissing him, then met his gaze. Her voice was hushed, as if hoping to keep from alarming him. "I'm proud of you, sugar." Anton let out a long exhalation. "Thanks," he said softly. He leaned over, resting his head on her shoulder, still taking deep breaths. He closed his eyes. A single shudder ran through his frame before he was able to stop it. "That was unbelievably difficult." "I know. I know exactly how much you dislike talking about that, which is why I'm so proud of you." She glanced over at the portable crib on the other side of the coffee table, making sure Max was still a